Fiance says I'm boring?

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

I’m curious….how did you spend your time together before you lived together?  I’m just wondering how you came to love someone enough to live with them and become engaged to them….did all of that abruptly stop when you moved in together?  

Anyway….that’s really not even the point.  The point, I’m sorry to say, is that the two of you are entirely incompatible.  A couple doesn’t need to share every hobby and interest, but certainly have some commonalities…sounds like you have literally none. That will never work.  Your inherent  ideas of a day to day existence just don’t match.  Marriage won’t fix that.  It will highlight it.

And…this is important….when I was dating my husband, if I expressed a concern about how things were going, he would move heaven and earth to fix it, because how our relationship was going was equally important to him.  The way your guy dismisses your feelings and does nothing to find some common ground and make you happy is the BIGGEST red flag you will get.  PLEASE do not ignore it.  Please.  Find someone who is better for you.  (Yes, you can.  Trust me.)

Post # 17
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

It sounds like this is a both of you issue. When he said  he’sbored at home he did not say ‘you are boring’ and it’s not fair of you to stretch what he said and then hold it against him. Sitting at home and just talking all the time sounds pretty  boring to me too. Even though I love my husband and don’t find HIM boring I would get bored if that was all we did together. You need to get out of the house and develop a hobby. Then you’d have something other than work to talk about and you wouldn’t be as bothered by him not being home all the time. Now him. He needs to be coming home at a decent hour. Out till 2 am is bachelor behavior. Also video games? Really? You may want to punch him towards your new healthy hobby 😉 You both have some growing to do and if you intend to marry this boy (yup his behavior puts him in the boy category) you’re going to need to push the envelope on that growing up. 

Post # 18
Member
5562 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Your fiancé is a child. You can’t change him because he likes the way he is living now. You DESERVE to be with someone who brings you happiness. People find it lonely to be alone but there is NOTHING like the feeling of feeling alone when you’re in a relationship with a person who makes you feel that way

You deserve better, I hope you find the courage to realize that and to change your life

Post # 19
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Don’t marry someone if you don’t like how they are and how they treat you right now. 

You and your Fiance are not compatible. If you also wanted to go out every night with your friends and only expected one date night a week, this would be fine. But that’s not what you want so dump this guy and go find someone who prioriizes their relationship and enjoys spending a lot of time with their partner. Don’t waste any more time here; this guy doesn’t care what you want and doesn’t plan on changing for you.

Post # 20
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I honestly am at a loss for words at what you described OP. Why on earth would you ever even consider getting engaged and married to a guy who wants to be out every night at 1-2am to play video games?! Seriously? 

OP this is going to sound harsh but you need to hear it. You didn’t spend anytime actually looking at your fiancé to figure out if he was marriage material or husband material. You had no business getting engaged to him in the first place. Being young makes you do stupid things. I know because I also made some dumb choices with men 5 years ago. 

Here is your problem. You should marry a guy who you can say hell yes about all these questions. 

– Does he have a career/ job that he sticks with, is proud of, and works hard at and takes seriously?

– is he financially independent from his parents? 

– Does he have a job that would help support a family? 

– Do you two agree on how to raise future kids? Do you agree on religion when it comes to kids? 

– Do you both have the same life goals? Like have kids, travel, have a home. 

– Does he treat you with respect at all times?

-Does he treat anyone he comes across with kindness and respect? 

– Does he make decisions with you as a team? 

– Does he work really hard to be kind to you? To not yell and scream, to talk through issues calmly?

– Does he genuinely cherish you and care about how you feel, and want you to be happy? 

Honestly I could go on and on and on. Point I’m making is, this guy your engaged to is NOT marriage material. He is selfish, and if he is going out every night at 1-2 am he must not have an actual adult career job. OP you don’t pick a husband because you love him, or because you’ve been dating for a while. You marry someone because they treat you amazingly, they cherish you, they want to spend time with you,  Someone told me once that marriage is a 50 year conversation. You two already ran out of things to say and your 24… 

stop getting engaged to people who you shouldn’t. Pick better. If you don’t know how, go read some books, make a list of qualities you want in a husband. 

Post # 22
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Do not marry this man. It will be the biggest mistake of your life. I know sometimes it feels like just staying in it and hoping things change is easier than leaving. But bee, you are worthy of so much better than what this marriage, which is already doomed, could ever give you. Do not marry him. Do not have children with him. Do not try to change him and do not sit back hoping things go back to the way they were. This marriage would literally be a commitment to staying sad and lonely, and we both know this isn’t how you should be spending your engagement.

Post # 23
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

View original reply
aw9412 :  I get wanting to blow off steam after working 70+ hours a week, but when you are blowing off steam so often that you are spending less time with your fiance than your friends, thats a no go in my book.

You need to find someone who prioritizes your relationship over video games. At 24 its okay to play video games, but playing video games til 2 a.m. in the morning is not good. It means he is still focusing on the joys of his youth instead of maturing into an adult who has taken on being engaged and deciding to marry.

I wouldnt marry him and you shouldnt want to either. Its okay. Your life wont be over. You deserve someone who is present and active in your life on a day to day basis. Is it okay to go out occasionally and enjoy friendships, of course it is, but not at the expense of your relationship with your partner. 

Post # 24
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

The answer isn’t yes to all those questions. You are lying to yourself. You wrote in your post all the ways he doesn’t check those boxes but now you wanna tell me he does? Right…. The guy doesn’t cherish you, he doesn’t put you first, and isn’t husband material. He yells at you when you want to discuss the time you spend together. He doesn’t treat you with respect, and you said in your initial post that he doesn’t include you in his decision to go out and doesn’t even give you a heads up. 

Everything I said stands. Your marrying a loser. You know what a normal way to unwind is? Go to the gym, read a book, go on a run, play 1 hour of games at home. It isn’t- go out at 1-2am to video game. 

 

View original reply
aw9412 :  

Post # 25
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

70+ hours a week?!?? That would be just about 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.  And still he finds time to be out several nights per week til 2:00 am?  Sorry but I’m calling bs on that.  And just by reading your first post, there are at least 4 of the PP’s list questions that would be answered with a “no”.  So you’re not being honest here, in my opinion.  

Not sure why that is….you may be trying to convince yourself, but my advice is to stop and really pay attention to the sound advice that these more experienced Bees are giving you.  They know what they’re talking about. 

Also, very few towns don’t have some great volunteering opportunities…charities, hospitals, animal shelters, boys/girls clubs, etc. if you want to fill your time outside of bars.  

Post # 26
Member
5007 posts
Bee Keeper

70 hrs a week? And he doesn’t get home until 2am? Quite frankly I’d wonder if he was doing cocaine, given the lack of sleep this suggests.

Post # 28
Member
5562 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
aw9412 :  It can be worked through IF he’s receptive to your feelings and wants to change things to make you happier.

He has not shown any of that. He wants to do what he wants to do, regardless of you feeling lonely and hurt.

You deserve someone who will listen to you and want to work to make you happier

Post # 29
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Someone who treats you with respect at all times would not be out at all hours of the night without texting you, ignoring your feelings and worries, and making you feel like a boring person.

I am not saying he’s a horrible person. I understand what it is like to work 70 hours a week – I was that person literally all last year. And yet I still managed to prioritize my husband, respect his concerns, and text him regularly. The concern you expressed in this thread warrants a breakup regardless of how he treats you during the 2 minutes he chooses to spend with you. Please do not make the mistake of waiting around with the hope that things go back to the way they were in the beginning. That simply does not happen. Reread those questions above and genuinely consider whether he has checked those boxes in the last few months. The way he treated you in the honeymoon phase does not count. 

The reality is that he chooses to prioritize spending time with everyone but you. That’s all I need to know.

Post # 30
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

There are a number of issues here, Bee.

-he gets angry when you try to bring this up

-he is dismissive of your feelings

-therapy hasn’t resolved this issue

-he makes you feel neglected and boring

-you have a history of codependency, which may be only partially resolved

-your fiance relies on playing video games until 2 am daily to relieve his stress (assuming that indeed what he is doing)

-he somehow has the energy to stay up till 2 am despite working 10 hour days, each day (this is suspicious, is he on uppers?)

You say that you have no other problems with him. But this is a reflection of many problems, the biggest one being he doesn’t seem to care about your needs and he doesn’t like to discuss it. Has it occurred to you that you don’t see other problems with him because you see so little of him? Why can’t he play video games at home? Is he blowing all his money on an arcade, or is he with a friend? Where is he when it’s time to make dinner, do laundry, vacuum the house? Where does he find the time to function in real life?

You’re just making excuses for him and letting his dysfunction erode at your self esteem. Anyone can tell you that he needs a healthier and less time consuming way to relieve stress. If you fail to see that, neither of your are mature enough for marriage.

I am sorry, Bee. You deserve better and sometimes it just takes more life experience to realize it.

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