Post # 31
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
He is an addict. Being addicted to video games is a tough one because it seems like such a benign escape from reality. He should probably start AA, and you guys should start couples therapy. Sounds like you are in for an up-hill marriage. Time to rethink this life of loneliness now. Don’t wait till you’re already married!
Post # 32
I’m sure he isn’t a horrible person. I’m sure many bees on here could tell you that the guys that ended up not being the right one for them weren’t bad guys either. But that is the whole point OP, just because a guy is a general good guy doesn’t make him right for you. What makes a guy the right guy and ready for marriage is a long list that you obviously didn’t check your fiancé against.
And what we are all trying to point out to you is, the video games and going out and not spending time with you, and not caring how you feel, not wanting to work on it isn’t just one little thing wrong like you seem to think it is. When you get older you realize that deal breakers start small but aren’t really small at all. Believe it or not this “one thing” is and should be a dealbreaker for you.
You see, “ oh if he just stopped playing so many games and going out and spending time with me it would be perfect”
What we see, “ This guy isn’t ready to be anyone’s husband. He doesn’t have the discipline required to make video games a hobby instead of sucking his life away. He isn’t capable of setting aside his selfish wants to work towards making a home with his fiancé. If he can’t compromise about video games, how in the hell is he going to have time or energy to help raise kids, go on vacations, take his kids to the park ON TOP of maintaining a loving relationship with his wife?”
OP you both need to grow up. You need to do a better job of taking a close look at who someone is before deciding it is worth marrying them. And it’s ok that your fiancé isn’t marriage material right now. He will have to figure that out on his own. I have never in my entire life see a guy change for any reason or anyone but himself. NEVER.
Post # 33
So, the only issue that you have in the relationship is that he hardly ever spends time with you?
Everything else is okay is it?
Is there anything else?
You seems to have switched to defending him.
If he works 70+ hours per week (at least 10 hours per day assuming that he works every day of the week) and repeatedly stays out until 2 am in the morning then something is off. He won’t be getting more than 5 hours sleep every night (a risk for ill health) and goodness knows how he manages to cook meals, shop for food, wash clothes, and share in the housework.
I may be wrong but I assume that he gets you to do most of cooking and chores. Well, that’s very convenient for him if this is the case. You’re an unpaid servant.
If it is the case then don’t be an unpaid servant. Tell him that it is his turn to cook, etc., for the next few months. This way he’ll have to be at home. Tell him that you expect him to go out gaming no more than one night per week while you are engaged and no more than once a month when you are married. If he has any objections give him the engagement ring back.
If he complains that he has to split his time with everyone then tell him that he needs to spend 90% of his free quality time with you. His friends can share the remaining 10%. That’s what means being in a romantic relationship means – time and effort.
In the meantime, travel further afield and take up an exciting sport. Kitesurfing, fencing, rock climbing, fire-eating… You need something to stop you being passive in your relationship. Maybe he needs to fit in with your life rather than the other way round.
Post # 34
You get married with the point to share your life with someone. And you want to do this with….someone who has no interest in sharing their life with you? It doesn’t make sense.
Post # 35
lunaghost : THIS THOUGH
OP you are seriously in denial if you think that you’re only problem (him not wanting to spend time with you) isn’t a big one or your only problem.
He’s not going to change unless he’s receptive to you’re telling him how you feel, and it sounds like he’s not.
Post # 36
I’ve been trying to find things to do outside the house instead of just sitting and watching TV like a previous poster mentioned. That even bores me sometimes. We just live in an area where “things to do” includes almost entirely bars and restaurants and not much else.
Forget about the guy; I think this is what you need to work on. There’s always something to do. Go for a walk, or a run, or otherwise enjoy nature. Do some volunteer work (e.g., I enjoy volunteering as a Girl Scout leader). Join or start a book club. Take up some sort of crafting hobby (knitting, etc.). Get involved with a religious group or a political campaign. There are all sorts of things that you can do almost anywhere, for free or cheap.
Post # 37
I think your fiance is boringer. But I may be biased—I think anyone who would rather play video games than engage with a live human is boring 🙂
Do y’all have anything in common? Like, do you have conversations about things that interest both of you, or that you can even pretend to find interesting for the sake of the other? Do you talk about feelings and shit (other than angry and sad ones about your relationship)? I ask because I’m not getting the impression that this person is prepared to be in a relationship right now—if ever.
Post # 38
I think you are in denial due to your confidence issues. You are so desperate for love you are willing to put up with a relationship that involves 0% effort and involvement from your fiance. I think you should explore this with your therapist. And maybe even consider a new therapist for a different perspective.
Also, your fiance is not ready for marriage. Whether he is an addict or not remains to be seen. But he is definitely not living his life like an adult, which is okay given his age (our brains are not fully developed quite yet at 24), but he is not marriage material.
Post # 39
I was married to someone that sounds a lot like him. The problem is not with you. I remember reaching out for help at one point and being made to feel like it was wrong to be home “waiting” for him, like I had to haul myself out all the time being super social so he’d want to be with me. That doesn’t work. I realized later on when I met my current husband that I was simply with the wrong person, and someone who was immature. It is absolutely expected that he should love being with you. Of course there’s a ton of couples that basically act like they’re still single, going out all the time separately, etc. They can do that all they want, but that is not for me, and it doesn’t mean you have to be that way. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way or expecting him to be home. I hope this does not sound insensitive but: He’s bored… he does not enjoy his time with you. It isn’t something wrong with you though, that’s on him. He doesn’t know how to appreciate you. I get bored sometimes when I’m home as I’m sure everyone in the world does sometimes! But so often and needing to go out like that? I’m so happy home with my husband as he is with me, it is totally ok to want that. I learned I needed to find someone who thinks the way I do. That is a big part of the problem. I didn’t understand it that way in my first marriage. Find someone who thinks the way you do. Overall, understand that you’re not wrong at all for having these feelings of hurt from this.
Post # 40
aw9412 : “I feel like there’s no possible way I can be in the wrong here for just wanting some quality time” — It’s not wrong to WANT it, but it’s wrong to expect it when he is being crystal clear that he’s not going to give it. He does not want the same thing as you. He is happy with how he spends his time now. He is showing you and telling you that this is who he is, and this is what you can expect from him. It’s not going to change. I don’t believe everything else is as rosy as you say, but even if it is and this is the only thing that you’re unhappy about, then you need to decide if you can suddenly get happy about it, because it’s not going to change. It doesn’t mean he’s a terrible person, but it does mean you are not going to be happy married to him.