(Closed) Fiance says I'm getting fat and you better get that in control.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

Well, he’s clear that if he should begin to lose his hair, he needs to go have replacement hairs sewed individually to his scalp, right? Because you did NOT sign up for some baldy…

Delivery matters a lot, here. As others have said, if he was

  • expressing concern about your health
  • asking if you were having emotional challenges he could help with
  • requesting you join him in more physical activity
  • offering to make healthier food options
  • literally any other way of approaching this subject

it would be easier to take. His decision to threaten and shame you is troubling on so many levels. That he thinks this is the appropriate way to express his concerns demonstrates a disturbing lack of empathy and a breathtaking selfishness.

Someone who would approach the subject this way doesn’t seem likely to respond well to, “Honey, what you said really hurt my feelings. I would appreciate you trying to be more respectful in the future” Because he didn’t sign up for you to be a crybaby. 

Your weight is completely beside the point. The fact his reaction to something you’re doing that he doesn’t like is to try to bully and browbeat you is. There are ways to communicate certain minimum expectations about health, conduct, shared values, etc that don’t have to be delivered like ultimatims.

I think you should be taking a really hard look at how he deals with conflict/disappointment in other parts of your relationship and ask yourself if this is really someone you want to spend your life with. 

Post # 32
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Nope nope nope nope nope. He’s verbally and emotionally abusing you. I’d get out now before it gets worse. 

It’s a little embarrassing, but I’ve gained 40lbs since my fiancé and I started dating. I’m currently the heaviest I’ve ever been. My fiancé and I had a really difficult talk about my weight gain a little while back. I realized that our sex life is near non-existent, so after much prodding, he finally admitted that he’s less attracted to me because of the weight gain BUT he emphasized that it’s just a natural reaction for him and he doesn’t think anything negative about me. 

I’ve been trying to get on a good diet and exercise regimen for months now, but it’s been tough to form newer, better habits. My fiancé sent this the other day, just as random support/encouragement: “In case you’re having doubts about yourself today, I think you’re amazing, I love you, I miss you terribly, and I can’t wait to get home and lay next to you. Oh yeah, and you’re smart, beautiful, funny, and you work your ass off too. I admire the hell out of you. Anyways, I figured you probably needed a little encouragement because I know it’s not easy starting out something and I just want to tell you I’m proud of you and I believe you can do anything you set yourself to doing.”

That’s how a supportive SO should respond to the other person gaining weight. It’s totally normal to lose some level of physical attraction, but the way your SO is treating you is completely unacceptable. 

Post # 33
Member
5209 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

For me it isn’t so much about the weight. Attraction can come and go with weight loss and gain, there’s health concerns with weight gain and weight loss.

He told you that you EMBARRASS him. Fuck. That. Noise.

Post # 34
Member
38 posts
Newbee

“You’re cheating me of everything I’m entitled to.”

Are you seriously kidding me? 

Who in their right mind says something like this, you’re not his property for heavens sake.

Post # 35
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: St. petersburg, FL

This is so wrong on so many levels – you do not deserve to be spoken to that way! This is the complete wrong approach, and not motivational WHATSOEVER. I gained a good 25 pounds in the 3 years my SO and I have been together – I know it happens, and when it happens it’s not like we sit there and go, “oh this is fine, this is good, I don’t care”. Life happens, you have things going on, and I get the feeling of “i’m too tired for this”- and our SOs are supposed to be our partners, not our keepers or bullies!

Your Fiance is an asshole. Please do not let him be so awful to you! What  happens when you get pregnant if that’s what you guys wanted to do? RED FLAGS!

Post # 36
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

kels207 :  “He says, if you get fat you’re cheating me of everything I’m entitled to.”

And what about what you’re entitled to? A supportive partner? A person who loves you for you? He seems to be cheating you of that. Regardless, marriage is not about what the other person is “entitled” to. I believe this kind of thinking will only set you up for further issues. He has a need to control you by belittling you. And it won’t stop at your weight. Is this what you signed up for when you said yes?

 

Post # 37
Member
10032 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Whoa.  He is not your Dad.  He is way out of line and you deserve better.  He’s being excessively controlling and borderline abusive.  Your weight is none of his damn business.

Post # 38
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

kels207 :  Break off the relationship. What will happen if you have a kid and cant loose the weight? Hes a jerk. I was start telling him that hes going bald.. lol

Post # 39
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2018 - Blue Bay Grand Esmeralda

Me and Fiance are pretty big health freaks, and work out daily, but we hold the same standard.  If one of us where to ever get a bit overweight it would not be brought up in that manner.  I think he thinks you are just sitting there, complaining and not doing anything about it.  But he is forsure not going about this in a good way, hes trying to threaten you into losing weight… 

Were you super fit before, and let yourself slip a bit and hes worried its all downhill from here? It could be his fear speaking, but hes being a jerk!  Thats pretty much saying, if you are not perfect, then I dont want you, thats where the low self esteem comes in, which will probably make you not want to work out/eat healthy even more… thats the worst thing you can do to someone. 

Post # 40
Member
17 posts
Newbee

Physical appearance is a reflection of a person’s internal world and reflects a sign of pride in self and self-respect.

If not now, then when?

I think he should have said it in a tactful manner.But you can’t blame him because he is not attracted to you anymore.

Contrary to popular belief looks do matter.

Post # 41
Member
782 posts
Busy bee

what exactly is it about this guy that you find appealing? The idea that he’s so demanding is what worries me.

Post # 42
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

He’s a shithead. Drop him. Run. 

This is all a giant, massive, glaring red flag for abusive behavior. Get out now. 

Post # 43
Member
1738 posts
Bumble bee

The issue isn’t his desire to have a healthy mate, but the way he talks to you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not find fat people attractive and it’s reasonable to have a careful and loving converstation about how weight gain is affecting the relationship. There’s no reason he has to speak to you like that. Is this his normal way of speaking to you about his issues with you? If he thinks he can get his way by putting you down, there may be some established unhealthy pattern in the relationship. I’m not usually one to advocate dumping someone over something like this, but in this case I say leave him and find someone who’s nice to you. I’m worried that he’s taking advantage of your insecurities as a way to control you and that is not healthy at all and you should run for the hills.

Post # 44
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

Nope. Dump him. You don’t need his bullshit in your life.

Post # 45
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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