(Closed) Fiancé scared of wedding. Not marriage.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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caligirl0011:  I think its totally normal to be nervous about being the center of attention. However, when that fear starts affecting your relationships then something is wrong. It sounds like you have compromised a lot and I commend you for being so understanding. If you told him that you wanted to go to city hall right now, how would he react? I think counsleing would definitley help the both of you as premarital counsleing will address any concerns you both have. It might be helpful for your Fiance to receive information from an objective 3rd party. 

Sidenote: Would you be open to a city hall ceremony and a reception later that day? That way he doesn’t have to stand up in front of a bunch of people and you would still have a beautiful reception to plan. just a thought. 

Post # 3
Member
379 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know. I can understand being disappointed with a big wedding if you’re a private person, but you’ve already compromised on a smaller wedding and then…let’s be honest, it’s just a day in your life, it won’t bite or eat you. How can you be so frightened of a celebration and a party? Are you sure this “fear of the big day” doesn’t hide something else? From his words he seems to be torn inside. Premarital counselling is a good idea in this case IMO. He needs to figure out why he’s scared to the point of not being able to handle it. 

If he doesn’t change his mind even after premarital conselling, then reconsider your idea of having a traditional wedding. It’s NEVER a good idea to drag someone to do something. He could grow resentful and unhappy.

Post # 4
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee

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caligirl0011:  I noticed something in your post (and forgive me since I haven’t read your other ones on the subject) but you said that he mentioned putting the wedding off another year after you were showing something about the wedding. Is it possible that he feels that all interaction and conversations between the two of you deal with the wedding now? And if he truly does have anxiety over this (and only you know this) this could be affecting him in a big way.

I can understand that you want to celebrate this, as it is a milestone, but as you’ve stated you can understand an irrational fear so its a little like if he was sending you articles on labor and delivery and talking to you about your opinions on The Bradley Method vs. C-section: it’ll freak the hell out of you. 

I think you need to hear him out a little more on this, honestly, but this is just based on the information you’ve given.

Post # 5
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

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caligirl0011:  Have you seen Run Away Bride? Watch it. And maybe you can do something like they do at the end of the movie. 

Post # 6
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Does it seem like his fear is rooted in a phobia of public speaking? If that’s what’s going on there are a lot of resources available that can help. If it’s a true phobia that is getting in his way I would seek out counseling from a therapist who specializes in phobias. Pre-marital counseling wouldn’t hurt either, but he might require something more focused than that. Do you feel like there’s more to it than he’s saying? Or do you feel like he really is just completely terrified of being in front of people?

Post # 9
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Hawksnest Cove Beach St John USVI

What about having something small and private for the ceremony and having a larger reception later?  If he thinks of it as a party to celebrate something big (like a graduation party, awards ceremony, etc.) he won’t have as much apprehension. 

Post # 10
Member
7559 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Marriage takes a lot of compromise and sometimes it starts with the wedding. Have you considered eloping, Then perhaps throwing an elegant first anniversary celebration?

ps your fear is not “more legitimate” than his. Both are equal fears. Yours is more powerful to you. His is more powerful to him. You should try not to invalidate his feelings. Even if you don’t say it to his face, once you think his fears are not legit, it makes it much more difficult to find compromise. It is all a matter of perspective, and you need to respect his perspective. If an outsider said to you that your fear was “not legitimate,” you wouldn’t react well. Don’t do that to him.

you also need to seriously think about your own priorities. I would pick my partner’s happiness over the crap I saw on Pintrest, every single time. If it meant a courthouse wedding and pizza with friends because he had crippling anxiety, I wouldnt hesitate. You need to really decide if you want the wedding at the expense of the man.

Post # 11
Member
3584 posts
Sugar bee

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caligirl0011:  i know exactly how he feels. I’m excited to marry my Fiance but the thought of being in front of tons of people makes me nervous. I’ve always been shy when speaking on stage or just in front of a big crowd. So yea everyone better believe I will have a drink or 2 to calm my nerves before i walk down the aisle. Just tell him to stay focused on you throughout the ceremony and he will do fine.  

Post # 12
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee

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caligirl0011:  If you don’t want to force him into this then don’t force him into this. He’s not comfortable for whatever reason. You may have compromised (and I believe you have, truly) but he’s still not comfortable and you can either accept that or you can insist he move forward regardless of his feelings. Counseling is probably something to seriously consider, but I don’t think I would continue to put deposits down until you work that out between you. As I cited before, I don’t think when you get counseling for your fear of pregnancy and delivery that your fiance would be a very good fiance if he insisted on TTC while you were trying to work out your fears and got mad at you for your fears and feelings. 

Post # 13
Member
3882 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

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caligirl0011:  I don’t think it’s fair to call his fear “minor”. To a person with a phobia it is not minor at all. but at the same time you shouldn’t have to completely abandon the wedding you want either. I would suggest he go to a counselor if he is legitimately afraid of having a wedding. 

If it’s having this kind of impact on your relationship, it isn’t a minor issue, it’s a major one. Maybe a counselor can determine the root cause of his discomfort.

Post # 14
Member
1291 posts
Bumble bee

I’m a bit like your finace in that I really don’t like being the center of attention. I love looking at flowers, dresses and wedding details online…. but I really didn’t want to have a big wedding with everyone staring at me. It made me really nervous. I also am keenly aware that the marriage is far more important than the actually wedding.

Another thought (and of course this may not be what is going on with your fiance, but it definitely was with me)…. many of our friends were getting married around the same time we were. We were invited to many a wedding that I just found were an opportunity for a couple or their families to show off. The weddings (to me) seemed less focused on the love between the couple and the blending of their families…. and more a reflection of one-upmanship over the last wedding. This was a major annoyance to me and it made weddings as a whole come across as examples of self-indulgence. I am not a keeping up with the Jones’ type person and have zero desire to play this game.

A person can easily spend thousands of dollars on wedding details. Have you watched some of those wedding shows on TV? There are some bridezillas out there that have a hissy fit that the flowers are more cream than ivory…. and the cost that goes into these details could feed a small nation. this is really hard to justify in my mind.

I would wonder if your excitement over the wedding and showing him all the details is just stressing him out, like it did me. I would wonder what would happen if you did just stop showing him stuff, and instead share the minutea with his sister or a girlfriend. You do deserve to be excited and happy, but some guys just don’t care of you have roses or peonies at the wedding…  I think in my case, I found everything (flowers, dresses, table linens just too BIG!) my florist really ‘got me’ and understood who I was as a person and I kept saying ‘more understated’ please….. after an appointment or two, he just NAILED what I wanted. After some success with that, then I could strike flowers off the list, and move on to the next item of planning. This really eased my stress level ALOT!

I hope you are not offended by this, as it certainly isn’t my intent at all! I feel for you, I really do….. but I also understand your fiance and relate to his reticence about weddings. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing! (hug)

Post # 15
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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huskylove9999:  +1 . The idea of being married to my Fiance excites me, but the closer that we get (under 5 weeks), the more worried I get about the wedding. I don’t like being the center of attention, so I have been waking up at night wondering “what if” everything goes wrong? Ayyyy

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