Post # 46
strawbabies: that’s a good point. I did ask him that when we first started the wedding planning process, but haven’t asked him recently.
He initially said he didn’t care. Then said he would just want to go to city hall.
His family is really excited for the wedding, so it would really suck to not have one at all. I hope we can figure something out that works for everyone.
Ill try asking him what he wants again.
Post # 47
I am the same way. I am having major panic attacks. Previous posters were asking how can someone be so scaredof 1 day and honestly I am petrified. It has nothing to do with my fiance. We are already haveing a wedding with only 40 people and it seems like hundreds to me. I am very socially anxious and not comfortable at all. If I could have switched things to an elopement I would have but we alreayd had family with plane tickets.
Honestly, having a small wedding for someone that is passionate about weddings is nice because you get to spend more money on things like decor rather than people meals. You can spend more on making things look just how you want.
Also maybe try doing a few things we are doing to reduce the discomfort. We are not having any traditional elements like a grand entrance, bouquet toss, garter toss, we still might cut the first dance. We didnt want dancing at all, I wanted mroe of a restaurant dinner with my family but our families forced us so I got a photo booth to balance it out and have somewhere I could go away from the dance floor and I also have the dance floor of in like a corner so I dont have to be near it since it makes me so anxious.
I think overall if you love this person, and ht epoint is getting married then you want him to be happy on his day too and not uncomfortable. Even if its just th etwo of you you can make it special and beautiful. Decorate a private room in a resturant, stay in a fancy hotel, have a long amazing photoshoot in your beautiful attire.
There is not 1 way to do a wedding. You can use your planning skills no matter what and have something beautiful.
Post # 48
kanlink: hey, thanks for sharing your experience and I’m sorry you’re experiencing that!
Ill definitely bring up some of your suggestions to my fiancé to see if anything else will appeal to him.
I love parties and being the center of attention.. But I also hate dancing. I don’t want a dance floor at all. Not sure what were going to do about that yet.
Post # 49
Before we got engaged, my fiancé and I were together for 4 years. I always knew he wanted to marry me but he was actually terrified/exhausted at the thought of an engagement/wedding so he put off proposing to me for quite some time. It was all the planning and, in his opinion, silly questions he’d have to answer and whatnot. If it was just up to him we would have just gone down to City Hall (which I offered to do but he said no because he knew it was important to me to have some sort of ceremony). But having been to soooo many weddings in the last 4 years I understood what he meant by saying he didn’t want to go through the whole planning process. It can be ridiculously exhausting and involves so many minute details that, honestly, the two of us don’t really care that much about.
So we decided to do a destination wedding. This way the wedding stays small (only immediate family and the wedding party) and the hotel down in Puerto Rico can take care of most of the planning and leave us less stressed. Also, even though there’s not too much to plan, my fiancé has left pretty much all the planning to me. I asked him to tell me the things that he really cares about and I’ll make sure they’re incorporated, but otherwise, it’s my show. Then, sometime after we get home, we’re going to have an at-home reception and invite all our friends. So it’s kind of the best of both worlds.
I know you said you already suggested a destination wedding to him and he said no, but maybe you could do something like an intimate small ceremony at home with those you really care about being there and then a larger party later. That way the wedding still is not huge and the party can just feel like exactly that: a party!
Post # 50
caligirl0011: one of my favorite things that I read said to make a list of three things that matter most and do those well.. So in that respect- sit down with him and ask him what does matter to him. Obviously something small is one thing. What else does he care about? Is there anything related to the wedding that he actually looks forward to? Then you can also find out what he thinks is overrated and see if those are things you are also willing to cut back on.
I realized going into things that there are just so many things involved and I truly hated the idea of a wedding and hated eloping. I cut back a lot and instantly felt better knowing I could focus on the things i really cared about. I put together some very personal details that honor the parents with a display that is filled with memories. Our dj let us record a special message to play for each parent at the beginning of their dances. For me the wedding isn’t just about us but its also a way to thank the people who matter most to us
Post # 51
caligirl0011: Do it at a restaurant! with lots of beautiful exposed brick or chandeliers or artwork or something. So much trendier than a lame hall!
Post # 52
kanlink: well, we were originally going to have it in a hall, but I was just browsing Pinterest and saw a photo of a wedding at an aquarium. I showed my Fiance, not thinking anything of it, and he said it appealed to him because the attention would be on the whales behind us, and not on us.
So I went ahead and got all the info for aquarium wedding, and that’s when he lost it.
I should also mention for like a year before he proposed, we talked of our future wedding often. He would take me places and say we can have our wedding here, etc. He brought it up quite a bit before. Which is why I’m so confused by his reaction now. I guess it seems more real?
Thanks for the ideas ladies. I super appreciate it!
Post # 53
caligirl0011: I did not read any responses so sorry if similar post happened.
Yes it happened to me. In fact it IS happening to me right now. My bf (soon Fiance, we got a ring yay) said he will marry me any day but he is freaking out about the wedding. Any time I bring it up he looks like I am asking him to get his hand chopped off. Like borderline panic attack. He would like to elope or do court wedding and that’s it. He HATES weddings and doesn’t want one at all. He keeps telling me he WANTS to marry me but he doesn’t want the whole show. I wish so badly that I was the kind of girl who wouldn’t care but i am not. I dreamt of my wedding day forever and I feel like he is robbing me of that experience. Maybe it is selfish to say but I don’t care. It is the truth and I can’t change how I feel. I wanted to set up a date as I will have people traveling from across the world that need to know way in advance (visas and such) but he is unable to have that conversation with me without losing it.
I have no idea how we will actually plan it. He doesn’t want tuxedo, he doesn’t want bridal party, he doesn’t want reception, he doesn’t want dancing or cutting the cake. He is medicated for depression and anxiety disorder and doing wonderful. But as soon as wedding topic comes up it is like he never took his pills to begin with. I feel horrible mentioning it and I am hurting inside. He knows how i feel and is trying to compromise but it hurts so much when I show him invitation with picture of couple on it and he is panicking because he doesn;t want his picture on it. He hates his family and doesn’t want anybody there from his side which is weird to me. And me being foreign will leave us with only like 15 people on my side.
I know how you feel so well and I know how freaking hard it is. I am trying my best to accomodate to him but not gonna lie, there were days when I just threw my hands in the air and yelled “Fine, lets just not fucking do it”. It doesn’t help the case at all because then he feels horrible and it is just a clusterfuck. I love him to death but idea of planing our wedding is just sad to me now because well, he kind of spoiled my excitement.
If you ever need to talk, PM me again 🙂
Post # 54
sylwia212: yes. This is how I feel!
I’m one of those girls who has been dreaming of her wedding since she was a little kid. If I can’t have one, I will be heart broken. Can’t change how I feel despite a few bees calling me a horrible person.
It sounds like your guy is a little worse than mine tho.
What are you going to do? My guy suggested he needed therapy, so I’m hoping he would actually go if it came to it. It seems crazy to have to have therapy to have a wedding, a celebration!
I want to support him though, so im being patient and trying to stay calm. Sighhh.
Yes, feel free to PM me too 🙂 we have so much in common!
Post # 55
My fiancé hates being the center of attention with anything birthday, special events, he doesn’t even want a bachelor party. He hates people buying him things or making a big deal over him. He has said the same things he can’t wait to marry me just not too excited about the show but I know once he is in the moment he will love it with all of our friends and family there. 4 months to go!!!
Post # 56
Mrsmello2015: omg, the description of your man sounds exactly like mine! He hates bdays, he hates getting gifts from people, etc. When is your wedding? I would like to know how it goes!
Post # 57
caligirl0011: it’s 4 months from Tuesday. He is a shy guy Very personable and outgoing once he knows people or had a drink or two and once he’s out he has a great time. He’s the baby of 5 and I think since his siblings teased him he feels embarrassed plus he’s a public person no facebook and all of that. He said he doesn’t want to feel like he’s faking it. i think it will be fine after a few mimosas 🙂 I’ll definatley keep you updated.
Post # 58
caligirl0011: not to mention his mom is the same way! She hates parties thrown for her, hates presents, hates people making a fuss over her!!
Post # 59
I would just like to (gently) say your comment that a few bees calling me a horrible person is compeletely inaccurate. One person called you out on comparing your phobia to your fiance’s and suggested you were sounding insensitive to him in your posts. Nowhere did she say or imply you were horrible and was, I think, careful to keep her comments to behaviours not personality etc .
You said at some point I am not a horrible person though no one had said you were. Just sayin’ because I think you may be getting a touch of the guilts and projecting it on to others – which we all do at some time of course !
I do wish you luck, it is a very real dilemma you have.
Post # 60
elderbee: I disagree. While nobody may have used the word ‘horrible’, several bees said I am insensitive and said I want a party more than my fiancé’s happiness. That, to me, means they think I’m a horrible person.
I stated in a previous comment that I feel like his fear doesn’t compare to mine, and i also pointed out that I feel bad for thinking like that.
It is hard to relate to another persons irrational fear. So far, our wedding plans are on hold. I don’t want to go ahead and book it, and have him not show up on the day or suffer through what is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.
I came to WB for advice from anyone dealing with a similar situation, and instead got judged by people misunderstanding my stance.
Its a shitty situation. Especially since my Fiance has said to go ahead with it, but refuses to talk about the issue.