(Closed) Fiancé scared of wedding. Not marriage.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I only read the 2 pages of this whole thread because I don’t even need to! I’m in the same position as you! I don’t have any type of phobia so I have nothing to compare to my Fiance phobia of the actual wedding. After we got engaged at the end of June, we didn’t start even looking at venues until late September…during those month though we disagreed a lot! I come from a large family and I’m the youngest of 4 girls, I’m also the last to get married so a wedding was important to me. Some things we’ve done is keeping the ceremony to only immediate family. Then our reception will be about 125 people. For the reception we will only have standard round tables and we’ll be sitting at one with our bridal party instead of a crazy head table. As far as talking about the wedding I make sure to only talk to him about certain important things because he can only take so much before his anxiety starts up…I keep it short sweet and to the point! Lol also before I bring something up to him, I ask if it’s something he even cares about. For example he could truly careless about flowers or cake so I know to not even say anything while ordering those. I will say that tomorrow we are exactly 20 weeks away and things have gotten ALOT better with him….I just had to learn to take things slow and not over do it with him. Be patient and work with him because if he’s anything like my Fiance it will get better! 

 

Its funny that your Fiance brought up city hall lol so did mine! It’s not the marriage….it’s having an important event that’s all about them.

Post # 63
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yes it sucks but I’d probably give. Hin what he wants. Plan it all yourself and tell him all he has to do is show up and say I do. My Fiance is similar but no where near as bad.

it seems like he is being honest with you and trying his best. You should continue planning for the original date and he should get his own counselling. I think you just need to accept he can’t be part of the planning process.

Post # 66
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

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caligirl0011 :  caligirl0011 : So, what happened? Did you get married this summer?

I wish I had found your post sooner, I had a friend with terrible social anxiety who was terrorified of the wedding ceremony and she was the bride. She can’t stand to be the center of attention whatsoever and was considering eloping to avoid having to deal with being the focus of the day despite having a religious and very close family. She did end up having a small wedding in a park with a total of 12 people, all family and myself, her best friend and my boyfriend in attendance. She was still very uncomfortable and required anxiety medication to get through the day. She did buy a dress for the ceremony, but changed out of it immediately. She clung to my side and kept commenting how people were staring at her. I had to tell her one, that they weren’t staring and two, that she’s the bride it’s her day everyone was there for and these were all people she was comfortable with and had known for years. As much as she wanted to marry that man I know she would have rathered done it in private and without onlookers. It was her wedding day and she just wanted it over, it shows in a lot of the pictures.

From your posts your fiance sounds like he has similar social anxieties. I can even relate because there was a point in time when such attention would have horrified me as well, I used to cry when the waiter would sing happy birthday to me in a restaurant. It’s so easy to get caught up in what we want in a wedding we forget about the point and that’s the marriage. If you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person, why not just get married at city hall and start your marriage? He can continue to work on his social phobias and maybe y’all can have a bigger reception or renew your vows down the road.

That’s just me, my significant other doesn’t like to be the center of attention either and dislikes social situations. He’d rather see his family for Thanksgiving just because he’d be more comfortable. If he does ask me to marry him (fingers crossed, because I really want to), I know he would not want a big ceremony or to make a big fuss about it. I have it easier than you though because I don’t care about having a ceremony or honeymoon I just want to be married to him. I’m very content to go to city hall in a white dress. The best advice I can give is try not to force someone who is shy and uncomfortable into a very public event, I hated and resented it and it took me years to get over and my friend, the bride, still struggles with it. If it’s really pathological for your finace you might have to choose between him and being married. Also, if it’s pathological consueling really can help.

Post # 67
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
caligirl0011 :  Honestly, I’d ditch the public wedding and go with what he wants, a courthouse wedding. It sounds like it’s a genuine anxiety, not an unwillingness to spend money or whatever. It’s not really fair on you but then he can’t help it, the marriage is more important than the wedding and could you enjoy the day knowing he was miserable and fighting panic?

Is he phobic about being the centre of attention in other scenarios? If it’s only the wedding and he’s Tom Cruise-on-Oprah in any other social situation, then I’d push for therapy. 

Post # 68
Member
2548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Sounds like he has social anxiety. You should probably just elope if you want it to be a positive experience for both of you. I have similar issues and am resultingly planning to send out no more than 15 invites, though I originally told my fiance I only wanted 5 guests (my mother, my sister +1 and his best friend +1) lol, he has a few friends he’d like to invite and so I’m inviting a few more people than I had originally planned so it’s not just his friends.

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