Fiance seems to be having second thoughts

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 17
158 posts
Blushing bee

“Somebody commented that I shouldn’t have been pushy about getting engaged. It’s true that for a while I brought it up a lot, but he didn’t complain about it. More importantly, I didn’t hold him to gunpoint to propose. He had a choice.”

Spot on, don’t let yourself be guilted about this! 

Post # 18
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Sweet bee you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your SO.  Prepare yourself.  You are completely right in that you didn’t force him to do a thing…..he’s a grown assed man  but this grown assed man is too much of a child to speak to you like an adult and say exactly what’s on his mind.  He’s actually quite deliberately hoping you do it and his behavior is indicative of that.  Hopefully things will work out, actually I know they will….even if its not how you expect.  Good luck bee.

Post # 19
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You need to talk to him about it, but simply asking him “what’s wrong?” isn’t going to get you the information you are looking for. It’s uncomfortable and chances are that the reason he is avoiding whatever the issue is, is because he hasn’t decided how he wants to handle it and men very often don’t want to engage with an issue if they haven’t already figured it all out on their own. So he will continue to say nothing unless saying nothing simply isn’t an option. 

You need to point out the specific changes you have noted in his behaviour at home and that you began to notice these changes shortly after you became engaged. Tell him that between the timing of the changes and the fact that his behaviour only seems to have changed toward you, it feels like it is a response to getting engaged.

With that out in the open, he has to at least acknowledge what it looks like to you and he can’t effectively get out of the conversation without at least offering some kind of explanation that either validates your concerns or provides an alternative explanation. From there, you’ll have to decide how satisfied you are with his explanation and whether the issue demands further probing or discussion (which it probably will).

You’ll have a better chance at prompting a productive conversation if you acknowledge that he may have felt pressured to propose and you are prepared to hear him out on how he is feeling about it all. Of course, you *do* have to be prepared to hear things you might find hurtful.

Post # 20
2844 posts
Sugar bee

How does he feel about weddings? Not being excited about the WEDDING doesn’t necessarily translate to not being excited about marriage. 

Weddings are huge, daunting events for people that aren’t huge fans of them or don’t like being the center of attention. There’s a ton of social pressure, a ton of work, a ton of money and stress and picking between two almost identical things… I loved my wedding, but I was so relieved when it was over because I hated planning it. 

It doesn’t answer the intimacy issue, but it could contribute to the pressure he might be feeling. 


Post # 22
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

It took my fiance a few months to sort of get his feet wet with wedding stuff.  At first he was really sick of hearing about it, but it turned out he was like that only because he didn’t know what to expect and was sort of anticipating it to be a stressful, awful thing.  But once I explained to him “ok, these are the big decisions I need your input on.  Everything else I can handle,” he was totally fine and has been really helpful.

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