Fiancé seems uninterested in wedding planning

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

lindzrae :  I definitely feel your pain bee! My fiance also takes on the “whatever makes you happy” stance when it comes to wedding planning as he says “it’s not really my thing” and he doesn’t really have any preference. He will state his opinions at times (if I interrogate lol) but they’re all from logistical/practical point of view…like “I think venue A will be more convenient because it comes with the getting ready rooms and close to location A and B where you want to do photos” or “Venue B might be better because you said it needs less decoration, and might end up be more savings in the end” etc etc….

It used to bother me, but I came to accept it as is. He does listen to my vent/rant suuuuper patiently and offers his (logical) perspectives when I ask, which helps.

Post # 17
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

lindzrae :  why doesn’t he want a wedding cake?  That’s a really weird thing for him to be so opinionated about! 

Post # 18
Member
5038 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think its rare to find a man who actually wants a lot of involvement in the wedding planning.  The mindset, tell me where and when and I will be there is typical.  Please do not take it personally.  It sounds as if he is happy if you are happy so plan to your hearts content.  His behavior is not indicative of divorce simply because your brothers marriage came to that conclusion.

Post # 19
Member
2928 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Yeah, this was normal for us too.

The only 2 big things my husband cared about was having great food and the venue itself.  We had a short engagement and looked at a bunch of venues in a short time and he didn’t give much of an opinion on most.  As soon as we walked into “our” venue, he said literally “where do we sign?”.  He then went back to not really caring about all the details.

My husband was also much more excited about planning the honeymoon.  I basically planned the wedding and he the honeymoon.  Worked out for us very well.

Post # 20
Member
6820 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This would frustrate me as well!

What if you narrow it down to 2 or 3 and make him have the final choice? If he says “whatever you like” you can say that you like them all, which is why you picked them, so whichever of them he likes best is the one you want. Maybe he will pick blindly or maybe he actually does have a slight preference, but either way it makes it easy enough lol. 

Post # 21
Member
639 posts
Busy bee

I think it sounds like he’s just not into the whole wedding thing, which ha nothing to do with the actual marriage. I understand this as I’m doing courthouse and no reception so I might be the same way if my fiancé wanted a wedding and I was appeasing him. I even understand feeling strongly about the not having a cake and voicing when he definitely does not like something. I think I’d be the same way! So I’d try not to stress about it too much, just because one person isn’t into a wedding doesn’t mean they’re any less into being married. 

Post # 22
Member
4568 posts
Honey bee

I think you are conflating caring about the party with caring about the marriage. I’d be concerned if he didn’t care about the marriage. But different people care about different things. Does he have a hobby that you do not participate in or otherwise have much interest in except for the fact that he likes it so you try to take an interest? If he started asking you to make decisions about the minutiae of this is that really something you are going to care about? Probably not.

Instead of asking his opinions generally have you tried specifically asking him what elements He does care about? Or what he thinks makes a good party and therefore probably cares about? Have you tried narrowing things down to two or three options and then asking him to pick an option vs. Just asking his opinion about options. Like I personally do not care about what anybody except myself wears.  I don’t care about colors as long as it’s not Orange. I don’t care about centerpieces or specific flowers. I do care that the music have a good rhythm and generally be well-liked (which for my crowd means early hip hop and lots of classics, no country), no one has to open their wallet, and there’s a a big selection of good beer and bourbon.  If you asked me about anything else, I’d either shrug my shoulders or defer to someone who cares more about that stuff.  It doesn’t mean I’m not excited for the actual event, but the minutiae  just doesn’t interest me.  So if you NEED help, tell him you NEED help – if you just want his help to be inclusive, then I would figure out what he cares about and limit it to that.

Post # 23
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

As long as he’s still doing a bit of the leg work with you (and it sounds as if he is if he’s visiting venues, etc) I don’t think it’s unusual for the groom to leave a lot of the decision-making to the bride. He is probably using the “I just need to know when and where” line with other people because he doesn’t want to get into a discussion about flowers and venues and decor – fair enough. It would bother me if that was his actual attitude, not because I think it indicates a disinterest in the marriage, but because it’s unfair on you. It’s the same as housework – one person shouldn’t have to hear the burden of doing all the chores and organizing the household just because the other person doesn’t care about it. You will both benefit from having a nice, well-planned wedding (even if he doesn’t think he cares about some things, his guests will) so if he’s not pulling his weight I’d be letting him know that’s not OK and telling him to step up. It doesn’t have to be 50/50 but unless he’s inviting no one, the organising shouldn’t all be on you.

Post # 24
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My husband did this, too. It was his way of saying, “You know my tastes. I trust your judgement to make decisions that include what you know I enjoy.”

Run with it.

Post # 25
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

This is totally normal, and expected. If you had a fiancé that wanted to be involved, that would be unusual. It’s like asking your fiancé to go shopping at the mall. Most guys hate shopping, even if it’s for stuff they need.

I wanted to make our wedding as easy as possible, and gave my fiancé/husband the “gift” of just needing to show up. Of course, I did need his input on a few things, but I tried to do as much as possible, without him needing to be involved. We had a beach wedding, and when it came to his clothes, I ordered what I wanted, had him try them on at home, then returned what we didn’t keep. 

Post # 26
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My now-husband was involved in the planning stages. I realize that this is an anomaly. He still left a lot of the major decisions to me, however. But I would have felt pretty terrible if he didn’t show any interest in the wedding at all, even though the wedding is only one tiny part of the actual marriage. 

Take it as an opportunity to have the wedding you always envisioned. 

Post # 27
Member
39 posts
Newbee

Reading this, I wonder if this is how my husband & his family felt like towards me. I did NOT want a wedding. I begged to NOT have a wedding & it was what we originally agreed on but then he changed his mind so I told him “if you want a wedding, YOU plan it & YOU pay for it b/c I’m a college student & I find no point in wasting X amount of money when we could honeymoon w/ that amount or put it towards a house. & I have ZERO dollars to contribute. As I’m dirt broke.”

In the end though, my husband came up w/ this idea & I like it. 

He would narrow options down to 1-3. Ask my opinion. Then we would take one out. Now we are left w/ option 1 or 2. & together we would talk about what we liked or thought what would be good. 

Exmaple: pork, chicken, fish.

my answer: all 3 because I know YOU (husband) loves pork as well. But honey, I do NOT eat pork. I’ll throw down for salmon & grilled chicken though. We can do shrimp too if money permits it!

 

it helped a lot for us & maybe it’s an idea you can try. Just narrow things down. My husband was tactful & would talk about our wedding as a light conversation or make it seem really small than what it was so I wasn’t overwhelmed. It worked for us, especially since I was 100% opposed to having a wedding & had 0% interest in one. 

 

Good luck, & let us know what happens!

Post # 28
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

januari :  My husband was involved in every aspect of planning our wedding,  except for choosing my dress or bridesmaids dresses.  I didn’t realize it was that unusual to expect the person you’re marrying to be equally involved in  planning the event you’re both hosting.  Then again,  my husband  likes shopping more than me.  I guess we just don’t fall into typical sexist stereotypes  

OP, if your fiance’s lack of involvement bothers you then tell him. You can’t force his enthusiasm but ask him what things he cares about (good, music, etc) and ask him to help with that.  Sometimes,  I think men take a backseat in planning because they think it’s what we want.  

Post # 29
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2018

My Fiance is the same way, makes me feel like he doesn’t care about the marriage. I try to look past that, if he didn’t want to marry you he wouldn’t have asked. What other things has he done to show her wants to spend the rest of his life with you? What sacrifices or compromises have you made to each other? That is what makes a marriage last, doing anything for your significant other. Working together through the tough times and making the most out of day to day life. 

Heck, the way I see it is if you ask and he doesn’t care he has no right to complain or say he doesn’t like something. And if it really does bother you that much tell him that his opinion is really important to you, and give him 2 or 3 options you picked.

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