Post # 1
Hi Ladies, I need some advice – it’s a long story, but I promise I’ll make it short!
I’ve been with my now fiance for almost seven years (we are both 26 now).
We got engaged two and a half years ago. I always knew we were going to be together and so I feel like I’ve wanted to be married to him for a long time, but he’d been hesitating all along. We finally got engaged, but even then we knew we weren’t at a point to plan a wedding becuase we were both just fresh out of college.
He graduated a year before me so he’s had roughly 2.5 years now to figure out what he wants to do with his life (career wise). I feel like he wasted a lot of time because he was being indecisive. This year he finally applied to law schools, but he is also looking into med school as a Plan B (talk about two completely different paths!). Meanwhile we have both moved back in with our parents (we both lost our jobs last year) and the plan was to save money so that hopefully within a year we can get married and move out.
But he’s been too busy trying to figure out what he wants to do career-wise that he hasn’t really had a job for the past eight months. Now he is looking into get-rich-quick sales jobs as a way to make quick cash, which doesn’t sound too promising to me. He’s been helping out with a family business this whole time but he only makes about $1,000/month from that. He thinks the family business has a lot of potential for making big money and he can really make it work, but I am yet to see it happen! while he is figuring all this out, I am worrying that he doesn’t have a steady income. We can’t plan for our future if he doesn’t have an income. I have been supportive through out and I’m tyring to be as patient as I can be, but he has ALL THESE PLANS and there is no consistency or reliability in any of his plans. He just keeps on coming up with more ideas to add to his list and now I’m just worried.
Anyone else have a similar experience? What do I do to keep my sanity while he is sorting out all these plans? I have talked to him about it, but it doesnt seem like i’m getting anywhere with him. He won’t give up the family business idea – he is not even willing to pick up a part time job on the side (I suggested that because he only spends about 20 hrs/week on the business). Yet he is making very little money and it makes it hard for me to envision us being able to move out of our parents and start our life together!
I guess my biggest fear is: will he EVER figure it out? will he EVER settle on a career? will I be able to rely on him for financial support? I love him dearly but he concerns me. All of his previous jobs have lasted a short time (for various reasons) and I don’t know if he can be a provider when he flip flops so much.
Post # 3
@magentasky: well what about yourself? You have a degree right? There’s no rule nowadays that women cant be the bread winner or have to rely on the husband for financial support. As a matter of fact, nowadays it’s hard for a family to live on one income. Why not make a career for yourself? As soon as he sees you excel, his ego has no choice but to force himself to do better.
what is his degree in?
Post # 4
I dated a guy who changed what he wanted to be 10 times a month. Two years in, I found out that he was happy in his overnight job stocking shelves, and that’s what he planned on doing forever.
We broke up not long after that…
Post # 5
@magentasky: I guess my biggest fear is: will he EVER figure it out?
I sort of have this with my DH. We are OK financially so it is not the money I’m worried about but rather if he will ever be happy with his career, it is an area of his life that makes him depressed at times. I wish he could find a job/career/business that he likes.
One thing you should count on is the fact that this will likely delay any plans you have to marry, start a family ect, you probably won’t get a timeline from him since it is impossible to predict how long it will take for him to get it together.
All I can say is hang in there and definately work hard on your own career! This could swing both ways, you may end up being the major provider or he may eventually pull through giving you the option to be a SAHM.
Post # 6
@magentasky: As someone in the medical profession, my advice would be for you to not let him go to medical school unless he is literally 110% sure he wants to do that for the rest of his life. You end up in hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt usually, work long hours to the point where it can consume your entire life, and the future of the profession is somehwat uncertain now with all these medicare reform ideas up in the air. So yeah, unless he’s totally willing to do medicine and nothing but medicine forever, definitely don’t let him go that route or he (and likely you too) will be guaranteed miserable. If he’s expressing curiosity now, he could volunteer in a medical setting of some sort like an emergency room, in an outpatient office, or as a candy striper (if that’s what they’re still called?) on inpatient units. That would give him a little more idea of if he’d like it or not.
Post # 7
@Scar_cats_tic: I have an architecture degree. I consitently held part time jobs even when I was in school. Since I’ve graduated I’ve held a full time job, then I got laid off and now I’m just doing contract work. I’m not saying I have it all figured out, but at least I’ve been more consistent and I’ve chosen a career path, for better or for worse. I supported him when he was out of work – I paid for rent, food, etc. But at some point I would like to know that I can rely on him just the same way if I loose my job or something. I’m not expecting him to be the breadwinner ALL THE TIME but I would like there to be a balance.
@BrandNewBride: that’s the thing, my guy doesn’t even want to consider a part time job because he is afraid he’ll get stuck. He worked at office depot for a summer a few years ago and he was miserable – he doesn’t want to do that again.
@shaniqua: “you probably won’t get a timeline from him since it is impossible to predict how long it will take for him to get it together” –> this is exactly my frustration! how long do I wait?? I’m ready to move on with life but I feel like all I can do right now is just wait.
@pfinarffle and Sheepshead: I appreciate your advice. Let me start by saying that Law School employment stats are just HORRIFIC. This is why he is even considering med school. He comes from a family of doctors and he is well aware of the uncertaintly regarding the health care reform. But at the very least there is always a need for doctors, right?
He actually just ‘got accepted’ into a volunteer program at a prestigious hospital in the area. I’m glad he is exploring his interest, but being married to someone who is just starting med school- I imagine it would be a whole different life style. Not to mention that I will probably have no interest in hearing his hospital stories (I get queasy real easy and always knew I wouldn’t go into the medical field because of this…but I guess I could adapt).
Thanks for all the advice, ladies – it helps to know other people have had similar issues. keep the comments coming!