(Closed) Fiancé still want to keep engagement a secret

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

if he insists on keeping your engagement a secret, there’s a serious issue somewhere.

seriously, it’s been a year already and he still won’t let you tell anyone? even though you’ve already started booking vendors? sorry, but it sounds like he might not go through with the wedding. you need to have a serious talk with him. give him an ultimatum — tell people about the engagement, or break up. he’s playing games with you, and you’re letting him walk all over you. it needs to stop immediately.

Post # 4
4162 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with @kitzy:  My wedding is in October 2011 so your December 2011 wedding is not far from mine.  We’ve been engaged for over a year already, and told everyone the day it happened.  I’m not really sure why he wants to keep it a secret still?  Do you have to hide the e-ring if you’re around family/friends?  This is kind of a weird secret to keep, especially now that you have the date set.

Post # 5
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@butterfly25: i’d tell him that the wedding is fairly close to christmas, so you want to send out STD’s soon so people will plan accordingly. if he still says he doesn’t want to go public, you need to ask why.

you’ve already booked things, which means money will be lost if the wedding is canceled, which most guys care about more than public perception, so its hard to guess where he’s coming from.

Post # 6
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’ll be honest – his refusing to tell people really concerns me.  If I were you, I’d insist that not a single other wedding related thing can be researched/planned until you both tell your family and friends that you’re engaged.  If he balks at this – huge red flag.  If he really wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of his life, he should want the world to know it!

Post # 7
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m with kitzy and FutureKMM.

Why would he want to keep it secret–especially for so long? Get out the phone, go over to him, and say it’s time to call parents. If he balks, then have the talk.

Post # 8
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

It does sound odd. What’s he hiding and why can’t people know? Why does HE get to decide? Most people can’t wait to make that announcement.

Post # 9
9127 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Uh, yeah.  I’d say there is something majorly wrong here.  I’d sure insist on getting to the bottom of it or end this thing.

Does he have parts of his life that he keeps from you?

Post # 10
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Keeping an engagement a secret isn’t “a guy thing” as you ask. And, as the pp have indicated, it should be a huge red flag. You sound like you are worried about bringing this up to him – as your FH, you should be able to talk with him about anything and not worry about “pushing” – why does he want this to be a secret?

And, if you are planning to send Save the Dates then you may want to get them out in the next few weeks – what are his thoughts on sending them out?

Post # 11
105 posts
Blushing bee

Hmmmmm.  I understand the whole ‘we don’t people pestering us about when the wedding date is until we know’ thing, but this is a little over the top. You’re saying your parents don’t even know (I know that not all guys ask for the father’s permission)?

Even though we broke things off recently, my ex-FI and I couldn’t wait to tell people the news. HE was super excited, as was I. It’s a time you want to share with others.

Ask him what the deal is.  If he’s not willing to come to an agreement with you over it, you may want to consider counseling or taking a break.  Good luck!

Post # 12
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

It conerns me also that he wants to keep a secret.  when a man gets engaged, he should want to tell the world that he’s marrying this amazing girl!  You don’t deserve this wish-washy crap, i think he’s seriously playing with your emotions, and you don’t deserve it.  you need someone who is proud to show you off, proud to announce your engagment.  i’m not a big fan of ultinations, but it sounds like you might need to make one.  either start telling people…or you’re walking, because you don’t deserve to be treated like this, like a secret.  good luck, hun!

Post # 13
9127 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Well, I’m stumped.  What would be a “good” or “reasonable” explanation for his behavior?

Post # 14
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Welcome to WB!

Your family doesn’t know you are engaged, and you have been for over a year?  I find that troubling.  I agree with PP about asking him why he is hesitant to call you his FI and not booking another wedding related vendor until said discussion is held.

Good luck with this, and keep us posted.

Post # 15
34 posts
  • Wedding: February 2011

Just remember, that we can talk ourselves into thinking that many bizarre behaviors are actually rationale… its our emotional mind playing tricks on us.  Take out the emotion, stop yourself from saying, “well nobody knows our relationship like I do”, and look at the facts objectively. 

And what this “omission of engagement” says about him and what he is capable of/not capable of in a long term relationship.

A year is a very long time to not share the news of an engagement, with or without good reason.

Post # 16
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Just start telling people or plan a surprise engagment party and tell everyone at once.

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