Post # 1
Hi, I’m fairly new here and would like some advice please. My Fiancé and I have been engaged for almost a year now, we agreed that night to keep things to ourselves until we settled on a date out of fear that people would keep asking us when? when? when?, which they do ask anyway bkoz we’ve been together for about 5 years. We’ve settled on december/2011, have been since June, we’ve been planning on our own, we even booked a few things already, I’m excited and ready to at least tell my family but my fiancé thinks we should continue to wait, and I don’t see the point. We’re not waiting on rings or anything, everything’s up to date. There’s no doubt that he loves me and he’s been planning with me and all but I can’t help but feel that something is wrong with that, I hate to bring up the subject as it may seem that I’m pushing him to do something he’s not ready for, please let me know, How do I approach this, is it a guy thing? It’s been really hard for me, trying not to refer to him as fiancé in front of family and friends and trying to not refer to him as bf when we are with vendors, I have things I’d like to start looking into for the wedding and don’t feel comfortable talking to him about them bkoz there ae woman stuff, and I need to be able to talk to my friends/family. Please help!!! thanks
Post # 3
if he insists on keeping your engagement a secret, there’s a serious issue somewhere.
seriously, it’s been a year already and he still won’t let you tell anyone? even though you’ve already started booking vendors? sorry, but it sounds like he might not go through with the wedding. you need to have a serious talk with him. give him an ultimatum — tell people about the engagement, or break up. he’s playing games with you, and you’re letting him walk all over you. it needs to stop immediately.
Post # 4
I agree with @kitzy: My wedding is in October 2011 so your December 2011 wedding is not far from mine. We’ve been engaged for over a year already, and told everyone the day it happened. I’m not really sure why he wants to keep it a secret still? Do you have to hide the e-ring if you’re around family/friends? This is kind of a weird secret to keep, especially now that you have the date set.
Post # 5
@butterfly25: i’d tell him that the wedding is fairly close to christmas, so you want to send out STD’s soon so people will plan accordingly. if he still says he doesn’t want to go public, you need to ask why.
you’ve already booked things, which means money will be lost if the wedding is canceled, which most guys care about more than public perception, so its hard to guess where he’s coming from.
Post # 6
I’ll be honest – his refusing to tell people really concerns me. If I were you, I’d insist that not a single other wedding related thing can be researched/planned until you both tell your family and friends that you’re engaged. If he balks at this – huge red flag. If he really wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of his life, he should want the world to know it!
Post # 7
I’m with kitzy and FutureKMM.
Why would he want to keep it secret–especially for so long? Get out the phone, go over to him, and say it’s time to call parents. If he balks, then have the talk.
Post # 8
It does sound odd. What’s he hiding and why can’t people know? Why does HE get to decide? Most people can’t wait to make that announcement.
Post # 9
Uh, yeah. I’d say there is something majorly wrong here. I’d sure insist on getting to the bottom of it or end this thing.
Does he have parts of his life that he keeps from you?
Post # 10
Keeping an engagement a secret isn’t “a guy thing” as you ask. And, as the pp have indicated, it should be a huge red flag. You sound like you are worried about bringing this up to him – as your FH, you should be able to talk with him about anything and not worry about “pushing” – why does he want this to be a secret?
And, if you are planning to send Save the Dates then you may want to get them out in the next few weeks – what are his thoughts on sending them out?
Post # 11
Hmmmmm. I understand the whole ‘we don’t people pestering us about when the wedding date is until we know’ thing, but this is a little over the top. You’re saying your parents don’t even know (I know that not all guys ask for the father’s permission)?
Even though we broke things off recently, my ex-FI and I couldn’t wait to tell people the news. HE was super excited, as was I. It’s a time you want to share with others.
Ask him what the deal is. If he’s not willing to come to an agreement with you over it, you may want to consider counseling or taking a break. Good luck!
Post # 12
It conerns me also that he wants to keep a secret. when a man gets engaged, he should want to tell the world that he’s marrying this amazing girl! You don’t deserve this wish-washy crap, i think he’s seriously playing with your emotions, and you don’t deserve it. you need someone who is proud to show you off, proud to announce your engagment. i’m not a big fan of ultinations, but it sounds like you might need to make one. either start telling people…or you’re walking, because you don’t deserve to be treated like this, like a secret. good luck, hun!
Post # 13
Well, I’m stumped. What would be a “good” or “reasonable” explanation for his behavior?
Post # 14
Welcome to WB!
Your family doesn’t know you are engaged, and you have been for over a year? I find that troubling. I agree with PP about asking him why he is hesitant to call you his FI and not booking another wedding related vendor until said discussion is held.
Good luck with this, and keep us posted.
Post # 15
Just remember, that we can talk ourselves into thinking that many bizarre behaviors are actually rationale… its our emotional mind playing tricks on us. Take out the emotion, stop yourself from saying, “well nobody knows our relationship like I do”, and look at the facts objectively.
And what this “omission of engagement” says about him and what he is capable of/not capable of in a long term relationship.
A year is a very long time to not share the news of an engagement, with or without good reason.
Post # 16
Just start telling people or plan a surprise engagment party and tell everyone at once.