Post # 1
We’ve been having small issues with Fiance mom regarding the guest list. Long and short of it is We invited Aunts and Uncles but no cousins unless in the wedding. So 2 females cousins who are preforming the duties of seating, passing out programs, pressing play on songs. That stuff. Their sister will be there as her husband is a groomsman, she is also a hair dresser so will help all the ladies. So that is all the cousins invited on his side. I have 2. My cousin who is officiating and the daughter of my godmother who is handling ALL the food.
Well Future Mother-In-Law kept making little comments regarding how she wishes her nieces and nephews could come and how now that the Save the Dates have gone out a lot of people are disappointed. It’s been a huge point of contention that I have reigned in my mother and draw lines while he has not. This brings us to Wednesday.
NOTE: THe wedding is at my parents home. So not a ton of people can attend and this has also saved us on the cost of renting a venue.
Fiance went to have lunch at with his mom at her house. She starts in on her comments again, after being told multiple times our reasons. He started by explaining that after this conversation this subject is never to be brought up again.
Tells her that while yes he understands that some people are sad they can’t come, but unless someone is willing to write a $6000 check to book an actual venue and arrage for foor for an additional 35 people for a wedding in April then nothing is going to change. We not only do not have the space, but do not have the money for that kind of thing. Told her that while it would be lovely to have everyone he refuses to go into debt for family members who in all likelyhood would never make the 5 hour drive to our venue, rent a hotel room and leave their children with family as our wedding is Adults only. Reminded her that without a text or call not one showed up for his surprise birthday after assuring me they would be there and that’s only 10 mins away and they had 2 months notice. Then he asked her why she refuses to support her son and future daughter and seems more concerned with people that have treated every one of us poorly? (story for another day)
She got teary eyed. Said something about just wanting her family there.
This is when Fiance got up to leave and told her one final time. We are your family. Your husband, sons, nephew, mother and sisters will be all there. But if she continues to take her nieces and nephew sides over supporting her son then she is more than welcome to skip it.
I know it all sounds a bit harsh but this has been a long time coming and I am SO glad that he took over and nailed the coffin shut on this situation. I have been corned at family gatherings and gotten sad passive aggressive emails over this for MONTHS! But she would never ask her actual son about this. Just me.
This topic was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by bassbee.
Post # 3
bassbee: Good for him. I doubt that it is really about wanting her family there. More likely she has this vision of the “perfect family” and “perfect family events” and has not accepted the fact that she doesn’t have that. Most of us don’t.
Post # 4
My mom cried when I told her we were going to have a small wedding. 2 of my brothers had previously gotten married and they did small weddings. She’s been to her friends (since highschool) kids weddings and would pay to recriporcate. Hubs and I are introverts and didn’t want to do that. Heck, we only invited 2 friends each, I didn’t want to invite my mom’s 5 besties and their husbands.
She got over it, but I think she was less upset because I was sympathetic…plus I refered to my brother who wasn’t yet married :p Poor guy,he’ll have a huge wedding by the looks of it.
We’re married now but I think she’s still sad a bit, but both of us realize its her problem not ours.
Post # 5
bassbee: julies1949: Good for you guys. Agree 100% with julies1949.
Post # 6
Yep, my Mother-In-Law did the same. Wrote 2 nasty e-mails, trying to get estranged relatives invited (we only hosted 95 guests, so we just ignored her). In one, she said “I think weddings should be a time for family;” in the other “weddings should draw families together.”
Of course, she didn’t contribute one cent. She left after the cake was served – missing the last 1.5 hours, of the reception. I was never more happy to see the back of anyone going out the door, than her’s.
Unfortunately, I don’t think my husband, or anyone else, has ever stood up to her, so congrats to you and your husband to be.
Post # 7
julies1949: It can never be “perfect” for everyone. And you’re right she has this view of how exactly it should be but that’s not our view. So we will make it work as best we can.
I called her today to touch base on a sudden family tragedy. We talked, I told her I love her and to give my love to everyone and that I will be praying for them. She said, “Thank you. I love you too. You do know that we really do love you?” I think my Fiance really got through to her that she was pushing us away and making us feel bad. I told her that of course I know she loves me.
Post # 8
bassbee: This is so perfect! Not only is it so awesome that your Fiance stood up to her, it is just a ridiculously valid point…..I wish we had used that argument in all of our guest list discussions with parents!!!
Post # 9
Good for him! You two are a unified front and that’s great!
My family is far from conventional and it’s all coming to a head lately with exactly 3 months to go. Everyone has a vision of what it should be and who should be there, what role they should play — I’ve been told that it’s their “right” to be one thing or another. No — your wedding is not a platform for folks to have what they want– without contributing a dime!! You really start to see how parents become manipulative in these situations!