(Closed) Fiancé taking 3 week vacation without me… Thoughts?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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Mrs.DK :  My DH is in the military. What is your point? Totally different situation and neither here nor there. OPs SO is doing this by choice and frankly I disagree with the majority. I think he’s being excessive, selfish, and irresponsible. 

3 weeks is an obnoxious amount of time to spend in a different country when you just got a new job. That alone would piss me off. That’s just ridiculous. He’s only thinking about himself because he obviously couldn’t give two shits about your upcoming joint financial situation or wedding. Unless he’s thinking this wedding will be in 5 years or so? Idk what he does for a living but I find it hard to believe he’ll still have that job when he comes back unless he’ll be taking work with him. 

Doesnt he want his future wife to meet his family? Can’t you go for a shorter amount of time? 

 

Post # 47
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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peaches332 :  

I didn’t read all the responses, but i am surprised by the harsh response you got…I think you have a few very valid points…

1. Paid or unpaid, taking 3 weeks off for this vacation will absolutely limit the amount he is allowed the rest of the year…I assume he told his boss when he took the job that he planned this trip, so they agreed to it when hiring him (as unpaid time off)…that said, a few months down the road, he probably can’t go and take another vacation…as you are starting a life together as a COUPLE, family or not, I wouldn’t be ok with my fiance using all his time off with his family without me…couples need to make decisions like these togther …also, unpaid, that is 3 weeks that he isn’t earning money…

2. Does he REALLY need to go for 3 weeks?!?! I can understand 2, but 3??

3. Now that he has a well paying job, what is his plan to contribute to the wedding?

FWIW, I don’t get the sense that you are clingy…I think you have responsibilities that you can’t pick up and walk away from for 3 weeks…that said, if you can take some time off and go with him for a week, you should! 

Post # 48
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I personally would be livid. Sure visiting family is important but 3 weeks? While you guys are supposed to be saving for a wedding, right after he landed a new job and it isn’t paid leave. I think he is being rather selfish. He should cut the trip to a week and a half and better yet, push it back a few months. Or maybe save it for your honeymoon so you can join and meet his family too. 

Post # 49
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Half Moon Bay

 Sounds like the trip is a reflection of bigger issues in your relationship.

Post # 50
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

A trip to see his family that he’s not seen in years seems fine by me, though I’d question whether it needs to be 3 weeks. 2 seems much more appropraite in the circumstances. 

You were invited to go, but can’t. I don’t think you can be annoyed that he’s going without you.

You’re saving for a wedding, he’s not contributing. Now that’s a bigger issue to me than the trip.  I wonder if you’re viewing the trip as the problem when the main problem is that he is having a carefree lifestyl without having to contribute to the two of you setting up your lives together. In which case, the trip is the least of your problems.

TLDR – I don’t think you’re clingy, I don’t think the trip is a problem if it’s to see family but it could be shorter in the circumstances. I’d be kicking his backside on the wedding finances through because that’s the biggest issue to me.

Post # 51
Member
7442 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think this is okay since it’s family. If he was just going on some trip with friends or by himself for that long, it would bother me, but it’s his family, and as you said, he hasn’t seen them in years! Spain is far away and takes forever to get there…of course he would want to go for as long as possible. My fiance is currently visiting his family in a foreign country for a full month. I went with him there for the first week, but couldn’t stay any longer due to work, so now I’m back in the states while he remains there for three weeks. Fiance has much more vacation time than me so he was able to go for longer. He only gets to see his family once a year usually cause they live so far away, so of course he wants to make the most of it and spend significant time there. While I miss him and there is a selfish part of me that wishes he wasn’t gone for so long, rationally, I totally get it, and I would do the same thing if the roles were reversed.

Post # 52
Member
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think some bees are quite harsh. Op I think it’s resentment on your behalf over spending of money than anything. It’s hard bring away from your OH and I’ve spent probably 9 days vacationing away from mine and we still had a phone call etc. 

> I’m guessing he has chosen to use unpaid leave.

> Although he asked you to go did he consult about shelling money for the flights? Could you take a week break?

> Get on same page about saving money for the wedding.

Post # 53
Member
4527 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

How come no one has mentioned that he probably just invited her as a face wash, one of those half-assed, “oh you can come if you want.” Bullshit. He knew she wouldn’t be able to swing that, especially with her job & the fact that SHE is only one saving up money for a wedding that they had to push back for financial reasons, etc. 

OP, your original post on the surface seemed a little ridiculous to be mad over that but reading more of your updates makes me take your side. This would make me angry and I would be questioning whether or not he’s actually serious about marrying you. Sounds like he is not.

Post # 54
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

Yes, you’re a bit crazy to be upset about your fiance visiting his family in Spain, even if that means he’s spending wedding money on that trip. He hasn’t seen them in a long time and even though you’re engaged he’s a free man and is allowed to do trips without you. 

Post # 55
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

You’ve allowed him to not pay anything towards the wedding. If it was this big of an issue for you, why did you continue wedding planning? If it’s this big of an issue for you, and you’re becoming resentful of the fact that he hasn’t paid anything, then you need to stop planning the wedding, put him on notice, and take him to task. Is he even aware you’re this resentful that he hasn’t paid a dime towards the wedding?

It sounds like this is your issue here, not taking the trip per say. If he had been contributing to the wedding, would this trip even bother you? I think you need to examine what you’re really upset about, and hash it out with him before you go any further. 

And honestly, I would take the three weeks he’s away and really do some soul-searching. Sure, you may love him, but if his priorities are so vastly different from yours, and you’re resentful now as it is, and he clearly doesn’t mind letting you ‘slave away’ with working, wedding planning and the stress of paying for the entire thing – is that someone you really want to marry and depend on? Food for thought, only you know him and your relationship.

Me? It would have never gotten to tens of thousands of dollars without DH contributing, and if he didn’t have it, and we didn’t want to wait, it would have been a simple courthouse affair. Resentment like this could be a death wish in the long run. 

Post # 56
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

I don’t see a problem with him going for 3 weeks to visit family, especially since he doesn’t get to see them very often. It also makes sense that he would want to take some time to travel around Europe while he has the chance to be there. He invited you to go with him, it’s not his fault that you are unable to. 

It sounds like you’re more bitter about him not contributing the money for the trip to the wedding instead. Does he want the expensive wedding? Or is he just going along with it because it’s what you want? There are many more important things in life than an expensive party, and you don’t have to put your lives on hold or work yourselves to death to spend tens of thousands of dollars to get married. It sounds like the expensive wedding isn’t a priority for him. 

 

Post # 57
Member
9152 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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peaches332 :  I would be upset, but mostly because of what the financial part says about his priorities. People do what’s important to them. They spend money and time on what’s important to them. If he hasn’t spent any money on the wedding, it’s not important to him. Has he spent any time on it? If not, it’s not important to him. Have you talked about him contributing now that he’s got this well-paying new job? If he’s not willing to help pay for it, I would ask him to clarify whether it’s the wedding or the marriage that’s not important to him.

Post # 59
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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peaches332 :  My SO is in Spain right now for two weeks with his family. They don’t live there, the four of them are vacationing. They invited me, but he and I decided that it would be nice for him to have that time with them alone. His little brother is getting engaged soon, and we are getting married next year, so after that these vacations will probably include two more people instead of just kids and parents. I miss him, but I planned to have two girlfriends stay with me for four days out of the 14. It has been great! I see how meaningful it is to his family to have that time with him, and even though they would’ve loved me to be there too I think that for this trip I would just suck up missing him and let him go. My advice is, send him off with a smile and plan lots of nice things to do while he is gone. I understand the money and employment thing, but he’s a grownup and gets to make those choices for himself. Of course you should talk to him about your concerns, but he is going to make this choice either way. 

Post # 60
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee

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amb1030 :  the point is… Like I have mentioned earlier, they will be apart from one another sooner or later because all couples do, and that some have it worse. Sure, like she said, it’s a choice on who you chose to be with, but just because he’s not in the military, doesn’t mean he can’t go somewhere without her? 3 weeks is not a bad thing at all? and it sounded like she doesn’t even want him to go party or have fun with his cousins. And yes, he is doing this by choice because he’s a human being and he can do what he wants. Now if the money was the main issue, then why doesn’t she just tell him? She didn’t even mention anything about her talking to him about the money

You’re asking: doesn’t he want his future wife to meet his family? Can’t you go for a short amount of time? 

If you read it clearly, he invited her, but she’s not able to go due to her job, so it seems like going with him wasn’t an issue, or at least it didn’t sound like it was an issue, other than her job not letting her.

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