(Closed) Fiancé taking 3 week vacation without me… Thoughts?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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peaches332 :  I wouldn’t be bothered by this at all.  I go out of the country for Christmas and New Years every year with my family and Fiance isn’t even invited (he will be once we get married – parent’s are old school).  He has no problem with it and I wouldn’t have a problem with him doing the same.  Your Fiance invited you and you were not able to go, he rarely sees his family?  Plan fun things to do with your friends while he’s gone, hit the gym, craft, etc. and you’ll just be extra happy to see each other after being apart.

ETA: Fiance and I have only gone on one real vacation together in the entire 9 years we’ve been together.  It’s not the end of the world.

Post # 62
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yeah, what the heck guys?  Even if money wasn’t an issue, I would be concerned that he now has NO time to take off, paid or unpaid, for the wedding and the honeymoon.  

OP never said why she can’t go with him for part of the trip, but perhaps she is saving up all her vacation time for the wedding.  Yet another example of OP contributing to the wedding while her Fiance is not. 

I married a guy from Spain and I am from China. He would not go to Spain let alone for three weeks without me, because it’s difficult for us to both get large chunks of time off, so we must be very careful about coordinating.  As in, if either of us took a 2 or 3-week vacation without the other, that would mean that we wouldn’t be able to vacation together for a long long time.  

When my Chinese friends get married, the customary thing to do is to roll the family visit into the honeymoon–They take their husbands to China with them so they can do some sightseeing and also so their extended family can meet the guy.  I never heard of anyone taking a three-week long trip before the wedding.  Like, why does he have to take the trip BEFORE the wedding? Are his grandparents ill? Doesn’t he want his extended family to meet his wife??? You could do worse than a honeymoon in Spain so why can’t he wait until after?

If it were me, I would talk with my Fiance about making our wedding more of a priority. 

Post # 63
1989 posts
Buzzing bee

I dont get some of the harsh responses. I’d be annoyed, too. 3 weeks sounds like a really long time to be gone, when you guys are supposed to be paying for a wedding, and had to hold off plans as a couple because of finances. Like OP said, he’ll be visiting family, but also going out, spending money, relaxing etc, while she’s at home trying to save $$ for the wedding (which he hasn’t been able to contribute to).

He sounds selfish to me. I think its totally fine to go on vacation without your SO, but not the way this situation has been described.

Post # 64
4234 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
peaches332 :  I don’t think you are being crazy, clingy, or any of the other things many Bees have called you in this thread. A lot of times I feel people are trying to play Devil’s Advocate, but when several people do it, to varying extremes, it’s definitely a little overwhelming. I will admit to reading some of the responses and shaking my head. 

OP, I agree with you that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my DH leaving for three weeks, even to visit family. That’s definitely a long time to be apart and when you don’t get to see each other as it is and have the stress of the wedding (which it seems like you are shouldering all your own). Do you normally see each other during the week? If not, then instead of 21 days, just try to think of it as three weekends you won’t see him. My suggestion is to plan a bunch of activities in these days to pass the times. And with technology at it’s peak, there is no way you couldn’t text, Skype, email, or call whenever either of you wanted. 

When he gets home and he is rested, I would bring up the issue of his contributing to the wedding and what your expectations are moving forward. 

Post # 65
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

OP, while you may think some of the comments were harsh, you left out crutial information in your original post.

When I first read that he was visiting his family for 3 weeks, my initial response was that this is not a hill to die on.  My boyfriend lives out of state from his family and we had planned to take a quick getaway this month, but some stuff changed for me with work and I cannot afford to take that time off.  Because he already had the time off, he’s taking some time to visit his family instead.

But after reading your updates, it sounds like the real problem is that you don’t feel he carries his weight financially.  There’s no way I would have agreed to be the only one saving toward the wedding unless there were some special circumstances, like he had recently lost his job and was saving prior to that.  From what I can gather, it sounds like he hasn’t saved at all and I can see why you would be resentful.  However, you obviously agreed to do this (saving alone) so at the same time you really cannot be mad.

You need to sit down and have a big talk.  Money and financial problems can tear a lot of relationships apart and are one of the leading things that lead to divorce.  I would not assume he would automatically start saving for the wedding because he got the job, and yes, even though he got the OK from his boss to take this time off, I would be concerned as well.

I hope you can come to a compromise.

Post # 66
10479 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Fiance takes trips with our friends without me all the time. And this is just stuff like going to follow concerts around the country not things like seeing family. Doesn’t bother me, nor would this bother me. You were invited, you couldn’t go. Doesn’t mean he can’t go.

Also I don’t see the big deal that he’s “up and leaving you” for three weeks since apparently you only see him on weekends in the first place. It’ll be alright, be happy he gets to go see his family.

Post # 67
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I also don’t get the harsh responses. I understand how OP feels and I don’t think she’s being crazy or clingy at all.  If my DH did this (now that we’re married or when we were engaged), it would not be ok.  I believe a couple should discuss and plan these things together.  In my relationship, it’s totally ok for us to travel separately but we would discuss and plan it together and figure out the implications ie how does it affect our wedding plans and ability to take other trips together, if one of us can’t do the trip now can we do it together a different time, etc etc.  It sounds like OP’s Fiance did not consider her at all in making these plans and that would be a problem for me.

Post # 68
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Just caught up on all the responses and updates.

OP, how are readers supposed to infer that your issue is him not contributing to the wedding rather than him going away for 3 weeks, when you made no mention of that in your first post? 

Also, how are readers supposed to know you’re in a long distance relationship if you don’t tell us that? This is not a reading comprehension fail, it’s a writing fail…you left out key information and then are getting testy that people aren’t magically intuiting all the stuff you left out.

 Would I be pissed if I paid tens of thousands of dollars for the wedding and Fiance didn’t contribute a dime, and then left for an expensive 3 week vacation? Hell yes. But I would have never gotten into that situation in the first place cause I would have established with my fiancé from the get-go how we were affording the wedding.

You need to talk to your fiancé about your concerns. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he doesn’t realize how resentful you are. Or maybe he does, and doesn’t care because he’s a mooch. Either way best to figure out the character of the man you’re marrying NOW, before you actually marry him.

Post # 69
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I took a 3 week “vacation” to go on a solo backpacking trip about 9 months before my wedding.  Hell, DH (FI at the time) wasn’t even invited.  It was something I wanted to do before I was married and he understood 110%.  

So, to respond to your post, no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your Fiance wanting to take 3 weeks vacation to visit family.  What I do see a problem with, is his complete lack of (at least financial) contribution to your wedding.  That kind of seems like a red flag to me that you’re saving tens of thousands of dollars and he’s taking unpaid time off.  It appears that you are WAY more invested into this wedding than he is. That’s just my observation. 

Post # 70
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

It doesn’t sound like it’s the trip that’s the problem, but your Fiance and his lack of financial responsibility for your wedding.  I wouldn’t be pissed if my Fiance decided to take a three week trip to see family, but I would sure as hell be pissed if he’s spending all this time and money and not contributing a penny to our wedding.  Have a conversation with him about this. 

Post # 71
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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peaches332 :   Lots of great responses here but I am adding my two cents’ worth anyway.  🙂

Did he discuss his travel plans with you, or did he drop the news in your lap as a fait accompli?  

As far as the wedding plans and saving money, was that discussed also – were there any plans for him to add money to the wedding fund once he had a better paying job?

And, it sounds as if his new job is very new – does he actually have a larger paycheck already or is he spending money he doesn’t have yet? 

My last question – is there room for compromise here?  Could he, say, go for one week to visit on his own, you could join him for a second week, then you both fly back and put the money he would have spent the third week into the wedding fund?  Or something along those lines….

Wishing you the best as you work this out.  

Post # 72
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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missinthecity :  you’ve been with your Fiance 9 years and in that time he has never been invited to spend one Christmas with you or your family? 😕

Post # 73
97 posts
Worker bee

Hi Bee!
Sorry you’re going through this because it sounds like a rough patch that you’ve been keeping to yourself. I agree that there’s definitely a lot more to this than the time he’s going to spend away. I also can’t blame you for the lack of details in your original post, maybe you wrote it while you were upset and venting to avoid calling him about it. You did fill us in with a whole lot of more information so no big deal.

I can’t take his side at all because he sounds like he lacks priorities. How does someone ask for this much time off after being fairly new at a job? Unless he has a reason -a weeding/funeral/special anniversary of some sort- I don’t excuse him just spoiling himself in that way. Sure he invited you, that’s not the issue. It’s the fact that he’s not taking into account what YOU are and HE isn’t doing for both of your futures. He also should be setting money aside for the wedding. Has he taken into account the time off at work for the wedding? He needs to be more worried about job security if he wants to start a family with you.

My suggestion would be that you talk to him about this. Cool yourself off. Write down your valid points. Don’t emphasize on the time apart (even if it bothers you that much) because then he’ll do the same and call you clingy, selfish and question if this is what he’s getting into by marrying you. In other words, he’ll turn it around on you and make you feel worse. Whether you choose to talk to him before or after the trip is up to you (someone said to take those 3wks to do some soul-searching); granted by then he’s already used up the time and money. And time off from work, whether paid or unpaid, will look poorly on his part if the vacation and your wedding both happen within a short period of time. Best of luck and keep us updated. 

P.S. I’m also wondering how soon is your wedding and could it be stress that has you this upset? Don’t get me wrong I would be too! My wedding is in 6 wks and Fiance has been out for 2 weeks visiting his mom/brothers out-of-state. He was very helpful and hands on with planning with the exception of these 2 weeks he’s been out. I have to admit i’ve thrown a few fits while he’s been out due to my stress level (as well as of a combination of several DIY projects & planning a wedding in 2 months!) I apologized for my tantrums since we had accounted for his trip and he’s helped out with a few minor details since then.

Post # 74
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

3 weeks seems like a long time to be gone. My husband and I will go on weekend trips or 3/4 day trips alone, but we save the long vacations for when we can both get time off. Different things work for different relationships and if you aren’t okay with this, you need to talk to him about WHY you aren’t totally okay with him ducking out on his responsibilities for 3 weeks. He might think you are fine with the way things are going if you have been acting fine with it. 

Post # 75
410 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t be thrilled, but would be understanding of him taking the trip now. He hasn’t seen them in years and likely won’t be able to again for a good amount of time in the future (with the wedding, maybe buying a house together, TTC, kids etc- don’t know your plans of course, but life gets busy), so it seems now is the only time. So if that was the only issue, I would be supportive about him going to see his family for a few weeks. 

The bigger issue that has come to light through your updates is that he hasn’t contributed anything to the wedding while you have saved very heavily. This would bother me to know end and would make me wonder if he just didn’t care and the wedding or if it was the whole marriage. Your resentment about his lack of contribution is understandable and I think you need to get to the bottom of his unwillingness to contribute.

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