Post # 76
He has been invited for Christmas, just not our trips. We recently started doing our annual overseas vacations over Christmas. My parents are super conservative and religious – they don’t allow him to share a room with me. He would be allowed to go if he was willing to pay for his own room, but that was never financially feasible for us (they pay for my siblings and I to go to an all inclusive). My sister got married two years ago and her husband is now allowed to join us. They adore my FI; those are just their rules on vacations. They’re paying, they get to decide.
We’re also not really the kind of couple who is joined at the hip; we usually spend holidays with our own families (we live 10-12 hours from each, and they are 3 hours from each other). Once we’re married we’ll alternate holidays. He’s spent Thanksgiving and Easter with my family, and I’ve spent holidays with them, it’s just our Christmas trip. I was saying I can relate to the OP’s Fiance and that spending time with family considering the circumstances should not be a big deal in my opinion.
Post # 77
If you would have included everything in your OP you would have gotten different answers. You have several issues going on here. The biggest – which you didn’t reveal until later – is that you are putting tens of thousands of dollars into a wedding fund and he isn’t contributing at all. This has NOTHING to do with the trip. This is all about you continuing to plan a wedding with someone who won’t help pay for it. Why have you allowed this to continue rather than having frank discussions about whether or not he really wants to get married?
Next – “I couldn’t be away from him that long” We were a military family for 24 years. I was the service member and my husband was the civilian spouse. Three weeks is nothing. I have been retired for 4 years. If I went home today and said, “honey, I think I’d like to take a 3 week cruise with my girlfriends” he would unequivocally say “Great! You should do it!” I would do the same for him if he wanted to go somewhere for 3 weeks without me. Why is not being together for 3 weeks such a big deal? And the clingy/doormat crap? Seriously? That made no sense at all. If my DH wants to go away for 3 weeks I am not a doormat for agreeing to that. If I can’t be without him for that long definitely begs the clingy question.
I think it is great he has this opportunity but I also think the business of him going to Spain and not investing any money in your wedding while you do is wrong. That is an entirely separate situation and that needs to be handled. If he hasn’t been investing in this wedding all along, you need to look deeper
Post # 78
Lol ok I was just curious, it sounded like he was being totally excluded by your family until marriage and I thought that was kind of sad.
Post # 79
I didn’t read every comment but I actually am on your side OP. Weddings are expensive, life is expensive. We are planning our wedding, thinking about a honeymoon, planning for a house, kids, retirement. As soon as we were engaged we became even more of a team and if we couldn’t afford to get married and were living apart and Dear Fiance wanted to use his new money for a 3 week trip without me I would be confused as to how in it he really was with me and sad. Unless we are talking like lottery winning new job which I don’t think you are since it doesn’t exactly sound like you are even planning a wedding yet.
Post # 80
Even if he only sees you on weekends, he still hasn’t seen his family in years. Doesn’t really help your case.
Post # 81
This trip is the least of your issues.
Post # 82
I haven’t read all of the posts, but based on your first post I’d say there’s nothing to be worried about. He’s visiting his family, and invited you. I get way more vacation than my Fiance does and I’ve gone on several trips with friends – not family – without him because I have the time. I would always love it if he could make it and I miss him when I’m gone, but I’m also 29 and want to see the world. If he were jealous or upset about that it would be a huge turn off.
Post # 83
Bees, she’s gone, and she’s not coming back, nor would I if I got the responses she did. Many of you were very harsh bordering on rude, (emotional abuse!??) and I wouldn’t blame her for never coming back here. Do we have to scare off new bees looking for support like that? Come on. Her Fiance got a brand new job and instead of helping out with the wedding is spending a ton on a trip. Without her. That totally sucks. I’d be bummed too. Yes he should see his family, but it sounds like she’s footing the bill for an entire wedding whereas he’s running off to Spain for a very long vacation. He could wait and go with her, go for shorter, wait until after he had saved some money to contribute to the wedding, the possibilities are many. But telling her she’s “crazy” and that other women have it worse because they’re married to military men is unfair. When you marry a military man, you marry the lifestyle, and it’s not a surprise. This is not that. Can’t we all just try to get along?
Post # 84
Seems to me the money issue is the biggest one. I personally find “tens of thousands” for a wedding overly extravagant, but it’s your wedding. My husband and I discussed every part of the wedding together and he had input on every part (except my dress and the decor). He helped pay for a lot because he was equally involved in the planning. Have you included him or just expected money? We also discussed cost of everything and remained in budget. Do you have a budget that he is aware of? My brother in law’s family lives in Greece and he goes for 3 weeks at a time, so I don’t find the time long at all. My husband couldn’t come on our annual family beach trip this year due to work, and I went without him! He was fine with it.
Post # 85
Good gracious – overreaction much? No need to be cruel. You really could have left the “grow up” part out, it makes the whole thing hypocritical.
Post # 86
- Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake
I wouldn’t be angry at him for taking the trip to see his family especially since he did ask you to go. That being said I would totally be pissed about the timing, not saving for the wedding letting it all fall on your shoulders & possibly not having time off left for your wedding/honeymoon or even a job when he gets back!
It doesn’t sound like you guys are on the same page. He doesn’t seem to care about this wedding at all. That is very concerning!!
Good luck bee!
Post # 87
I’m sorry but there is NO way I would marry or even started planning a wedding with someone that didn’t financially contribute to it. He is supposed to be your partner. I understand your frustration with everyone discussing he is going to visit his family and you need to stop being a Negative Nancy. I see that you are upset that he is spending money to go visit family instead of helping with a wedding. But in reality, you allowed him to not contribute to BOTH of you guys wedding.
Post # 88
Please be happy for him. Don’t ruin this. It must be so hard to not see family for a long time. My fiancé hasn’t seen most of his family for 13 years! When he finally gets the opportunity to go and see him, I’ll feel nothing but joy for him. Because time with family is finite. I doubt your fiancé is doing this to make you upset. Three weeks is nothing.
Post # 89
I’m on the side of your fiance. I’m taking my daughter to visit my parents and grandparents to France for 3 weeks and my husband is working and cannot come. You are bashing military spouses who chose this lifestyle, well, you are too. You are marrying someone who left a huge part of their life in another country. We are making sacrifices so I can visit my family once or twice a year, so that my parents can see their granddaughter grow up. I know that I will (and have) missed lots of lifetime events like funerals and weddings. I would be PISSED if my husband denied me the right to see my family (that includes grandparents, sibling, uncles, cousins) and trust me: 3 weeks go by extremely fast when you are trying to catch up with as many people spread out all over the place, and maybe catch up with your friends too.
You are marrying someone who had a whole life before you. If you can’t accept that, then don’t marry him. Just don’t expect that years of his life, hundreds of relationships, will disappear because you are getting married. If you choose to have children, that will be part of their identity too. Deal with it.
Post # 90
You seem like you have a chip on your shoulder. Someone is asking for input and opinions, not uncalled for rudeness. I think YOU need to grow up and handle your chip instead of transferring your uncalled for negativity to other people who have done nothing to offend you or warrant such rudeness.