(Closed) Fiancé thinks engage my ring is a waste..

posted 7 years ago in Rings
Post # 137
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@Schrodingers-Car:  That’s what I’m thinking, too. My grandma always says that ‘It’s never about the drapes’. Usually if you’re nasty to him, it’s because you’re really upset about something else. I can just really see both sides to this.

Post # 138
Member
434 posts
Helper bee

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@Nostawyn:  Totally agree – I hate how threads like this get so heated and polarized because there are SO many different ways this could have played out in real life, and the first one we think of as true is the one we latch onto. That’s why I’ve kept my thoughts about the actual fight out of it because there isn’t enough information.

However, it’s a pretty clear fact that he moved himself out of their house without even saying anything to her. So regardless of what happened leading up to that, I’m going to side with OP in this overall situation. Rather than cooling off and initiating a mature conversation with her about she made him feel, he just up and left. Honestly, SO would probably break up with me if I ever did that in response to any sort of argument! That shows so much immaturity and refusal to communicate, and that sort of behavior is completely unacceptable in my eyes.

Post # 139
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@Nostawyn:  Yes, I agree with your Grandmum. 

Post # 141
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Its hard to come to a conclusion when we don’t know what truly went on, but I suspect both sides have acted badly to some extent. I think that it may be worth looking into counselling to get communication happening again. 

 

 

 

If I had to guess what’s happening, OP is upset because she feels like she’s not being prioritised by her Fiance, whereas her Fiance thinks she’s upset because her ring isn’t big enough. OP may not have expressed her true reasons for being upset and perhaps came across as a bit if a bitch. However Fiance acted like an asshat by throwing his toys out of the pram and moving out. I think if they are to move forward, both of them need to figure out the true motivation of the other person and both need to acknowledge their share of the blame. 

 

Edit:Oops ninja’ed by the OP. That’s a really big conclusion for your Fiance to jump to, that by looking at someone else’s ring, you were trying to make a thinly veiled jab about your own. Have you told him before that you’re not happy with the ring. If his comments came after a series of comments running down the ring, then it’s understandable that it could have been the straw that broke the camels back. If it came out of the blue then it’s just weird 

Post # 143
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@missvyvy:  Seriously, though, what kind of laptop costs twice as much as an engagement ring? Is it for work or recreation?

Post # 145
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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@missvyvy:  From what you’ve said, it sounds like your FH is very selfish.  However, if you give in to his every whim (like when you “work overtime to buy the car of his dreams”), well… you are feeding this selfishness.  By begging him to be with you despite the fact that he continues to treat this situation with extreme immaturity, it lets him know that he can continue to act this way about whatever he wants, and it will be okay… he knows you’ll just end up begging him back. 

 I do so much for this man. I could care less about cars but here I am working  overtime and trying to save so that we can purchase the car of his dreams. So  all I wanted was for him to care about the things I care about even if something  like jewelry may seem like a waste to him.

It says a lot that you love him so much that you want him to have the car because it makes him happy… but why are you doing all this for him when he clearly doesn’t care to try to make you happy?  This relationship seems one-sided, but you both share the fault.  

Unless you want a lifetime of this type of behavior, you guys need to have a serious, calm, respectful conversation about this issue (not the ring, but the lack of respect and understanding for your wants/needs).  Why don’t you explain to him that you feel about the ring the way he feels about his car/computer/whatever?  If you were to pick out a huge diamond eternity wedding band for him because his choice of a plain band “didn’t do it for you” he’d most likely be ticked off and I can about guarantee he wouldn’t like it,  much less want to wear it. 

If your FH is unable to have a rational conversation with you, then he is definitely not ready for a commitment as serious as marriage right now.  He will continue to treat you exactly how you give him permission to treat you.  Relationships work both ways. 

Post # 146
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@msop04:  +1

OP, you did yourself a disservice by begging him back into your home.  You sound so sweet and caring; you deserve someone who will treat you the same way in a relationship, not someone who’s as selfish as your Fiance.

Post # 147
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

How much was his laptop?

Post # 148
Member
4251 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

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@missvyvy:  I really think you  need to practice some serious self love here.  Begging someone that treats you badly to come back is so sad to me.  And that story about him flying off the handle when you shared a pic of your friends ring… well, that is scary.

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@Schrodingers-Car:  no, I agree.

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@msop04:  YES!

Post # 149
Member
18 posts
Newbee

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@missvyvy:  Those laptops can be VERY expensive. They range in price from $1,000 to $2,500. So yes, I can see how this must feel for you.

Post # 150
Member
2529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The second a guy who claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me moves out of our home over an argment about a ring, I’d be done.
That is so incredibly disrespectful.
I wouldn’t beg him to come home, I’d change the lock and tell him not to bother coming back – I don’t play those kinds of games.

And I know OP said she never mentioned to him that she isn’t satisfied with her ring (at least before) but she does say that she IS unsatisfied, I have little doubt that it came across in her reactions, small comments about things (even not ring-related, like the laptop thing) and expressions. I’m sure he knew a long time ago.
I get it – that hurts, but his (and her!) lashing out is not the way to deal with it.

I think some personal and couple’s counseling would be a good idea if you can’t bear to live without this kind of “man,” but quite frankly I’d reccomend breaking up and keeping it that way.

 

Post # 151
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

missvyvy An engagement ring is a symbol of his love, just because he didn’t spend thousands on it is not a good enough excuse to call your engagement off.  

I am always sad when i read posts like this, be grateful he proposed to you and got you a ring in the first place.  For some people getting engaged is just all about the ring, which is really shallow.  Are you marrying him because you want to spend the rest of your life with him?  or just because you get to wear a ring on your finger? 

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