(Closed) Fiancé thinks engage my ring is a waste..

posted 7 years ago in Rings
Post # 107
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

I feel like maybe he puts his own feelings first, which doesn’t set the tone for a great marriage.  I think there may be a deeper issue than just the ring.

Post # 109
Member
4251 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

He should have bought her a ring she loved because it would have made her happy, that is the point.  In a healthy relationship, both people do things to make the other happy.  You don’t worry about yourself because someone else is worrying and caring about you.  My DH loves cars.  I have bought him rims, transmissions, tires…steering wheels… all sorts of random things that I know nothing about because I know that makes HIM happy, and he will not buy those things for himself.  He buys me jewelry, just because I love it.  Calling someone shallow because she wants her partner to do things that make her happy and feel loved is not really fair.

OP, I think you dodged a bullet here.  I would not want to marry this person.  I know it feels bad now, but you deserve a person that puts your feelings above their own.  We all do.  And he sounds selfish.

Post # 110
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

@missvyvy:  It’s not the ring that bothers me , it’s the reaction.  You want to look down and see something that you love and that should be important to him too. This might not be romantic, but find something you love and that you/him can afford and show him .  Take out all the leg-work if he’s the impulsive type.  Idk , that’s what I’d do . Good luck , that’s frustrating. 

Post # 111
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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@j_jaye:  agreed. This thread makes me thankful I am not a man. I bet if women had to purchase a gift that mirrored the value of their ring, their tunes would change.  An engagement ring is not an investment in the woman or in the future, it’s a pretty symbol of the intention to marry.  

Heck, I’m pretty materialist and had a lot of specifications for my ring, but I also put up the capital to make it happen. 

Post # 112
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Okay, my first reaction is… what kind of laptop does he have? Mine was only $400… My second reaction is–how did you bring it up? Fighting over the SIZE of your ring is going to come across as materialistic to him. You need to let him know what the actual issue is.

As for your update, either both of you are overreacting about this, or this isn’t really about the ring.

Post # 113
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

In the end, you have to be 100% happy with what you are going to be wearing on your finger for life. Now it seems to me, from what you said that he didn’t take much time to pick it out, customize it etc, but if he did then this would be another story. But since it seems like he showed no effort then I would speak to him about it. In the end you have to be happy. BUT where you are totally overracting IS the fact that you will leave him FOR it. You love this man and the ring he gave you shouldn’t effect your LOVE for him. Now you can be unhappy with his choice etc, but this should not be the deciding factor by any means. If he is showing little effort in YOU as a person, then it may be time to cut the cord.

 

 

EDIT: saw your update. I’m so sorry, if he didn’t even give you a chance to speak your mind then maybe its for the best.

Post # 114
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2006

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@jcent:  +1000 I totally agree…

Post # 115
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I am disgusted by some of the comments on this thread.  It’s pretty clear that the OP isn’t being bratty and/or materialistic… she simply wanted her FF to think about HER instead of himself for a change.  For those of you that insist on bashing her, you need to figure out that the ring isn’t the issue — it just provided a perfect example of her man’s lack of consideration, laziness, and selfishness. 

OP, I think you have dodged a bullet.  I’m not saying this just to make you feel better — I truly mean it.  Think about this… This man is supposed to love you so much that he wants to spend his life with you.  This means putting your needs above his sometimes (as you would put his above yours). 

Although you don’t “need” any specific ering, you do deserve to be treated better than an afterthought, which is what he is doing.  I get it.  It’s not a ring thing or a money thing, it’s a simple issue of a lack of consideration and respect.  It’s obvious he has money to spend to make himself happy, but isn’t too keen to spend it to make you happy because it “doesn’t do anything for him.”  Well, guess what??  Neither should you.  I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m so thankful that you were able to see his true colors before the ink was on the paper!  Good luck and much happiness to you — everyone deserves someone who will love, honor, and respect them… and everyone includes you. 

Post # 116
Member
675 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@msop04:  agreed, very well said

Post # 117
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2006

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@msop04:  +1000 Well said and my thoughts exactly

Post # 118
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@msop04:  So not spending as much on a ring as a laptop = afterthought or not loving and respecting someone? Are you serious? Do you really think this guy gave no thought what so ever about the future? Isn’t that what a proposal is about? Not a freakin ring? The ring doesn’t do anything for him, so what. He still took the time to select a ring he probably thought she would like.

The OP was bratish and rude to say those things to her Fiance. There are quite a few posts on this very site about women who didn’t quite like their rings. But instead of chucking a childish tantrum, the OP could have waited until the excitement of the actual engagement (as opposed to the ring) had subsided and maturely talked to her Fiance about not totally loving her ring. maybe then they could have worked out a compromise. Take your rose coloured women glasses off and try and see it from his point of view. the women he loves and wanted to spend the rest of his life with just trivialised his proposal and his feelings and to him seems to care more about a bloody ring than him and their future together. Talk about not respecting your partner. I think this guy saw the OP’s true colours and decided he didn’t want to be with someone that couldn’t respect him.

Post # 119
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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@j_jaye:  I don’t think you understand what the issue is… it’s not about what kind of ring or how much he spent, or even if she likes it.  It’s the fact that he won’t hesitate to spend on himself, but not for the woman he will marry — his attitude and reaction about the whole issue. 

Regardless of how he feels about a ring, he should at least respect what it may mean to his future wife.  I think you would agree that if the tables were turned and she told him to sell all of his video games, computers, and electonics because they “didn’t do anything for her” and they weren’t important, then she would be out of line — because that’s something he likes and feels is important.  

A mature caring reaction would sound something like this, “… ya know, it doesn’t do anything for me and I don’t understand it, but if it’s important to you, then it’s important to me.”  That’s how a partnership works.  The fact that he “moved out” after she tried to discuss it with him shows just how unbelievably immature he is, and that he isn’t ready to be married.  To anyone.  In his world, he is #1 and there is no close 2nd, and that is fine — when you’re single. 

The real issue has been explained ad nauseam on this thread — we can try to explain this to you, we cannot make you understand.  You’ve said what you think, so let it be.  There is no sense in your continual bashing of this woman.

“I think this guy saw the OP’s true colours and decided he didn’t want to be with  someone that couldn’t respect him.”  <— to this I say CONGRATULATIONS to both of them… as it seems to abandon the relationship is the best thing for both parties.

Post # 120
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@msop04:  And she should respect what the ring and accompanying porposal means to him?  I mean after all it is his gift to her right? So why hasn’t anyone questioned what the OP has bought for herself lately opposed to what she has bought for her SO?

And your example is not anywhere the same. If she told him to sell the stuff that he bought for himself well that would just be out of line. If he complained about the cost of a gift that she had bought for him, that it wasn’t good enough, that she spent more on say her last pair of shoes than his gift then yes he would be out of line. But that is not the case here.

I think you are missing the point that the OP threw the first punch so to speak. She complained about the ring vs laptop to him. So an arguement ensued and he said what he said. He was probably feeling attacked and made to feel TO HIM like the ring was the most important part for the OP. Are you seriously saying that if you proposed to someone, thought about your future together and that person scoffed at the ring and therefore your proposal and therefore you, that you wouldn’t be upset? That you would actually stop and think at that point oh how inconsiderate of me to think that asking you to marry me wasn’t the most important thing?

He wanted a laptop so he bought a laptop. He wanted to marry this woman so he bought a ring and asked her to marry him? I really do not see what the problem here is?

Are you saying that men always have to spend their money on the women in their lives over themselves? Because that seems rather sexist right? Does the OP or you stop to think before you buy something for yourself whether you should be spending that money on yourself or on your partner? Yeah I think not.

I understand perfectly well that the OP feels like her So didn’t think about her or put her first. But a real relationship, not one where the women feels like she gets to be in control of everyones feelings and demands everyone bends to her feelings on a subject, is a two way street. The OP clearly didn’t think about her partners feelings when judging his ring. And the real issue that the OP is guilty of doing exactly what she and others in this thread are accusing her SO of doing. Obviously you are never going to understand that. So maybe you and the others bashing this poor guy could stop doing that too hey?

Post # 121
Member
666 posts
Busy bee

The way that guy flounced off like that, along with the attitude that seemed to go along with the giving of the ring makes me think this guy is a control freak.

and his treatment of her is relative to how he treats himself.  With the limited information OP gave, it sounds like he treats himself better than he treats her.  I bet if the OP gave us more information there’d be a pattern of behavior which resulted in the ring blow out.

but I wouldnt blame her for not coming back to this.

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