Post # 16
Giant red flag flapping in the wind.
Any attempt to isolate you from family or friends should set off all of your alarms. It’s what controllers/abusers do.
I’m sorry your current therapist is not picking up on this. Many therapists are not qualified to handle these situations. Couples counseling is a bad idea here–it suggests equal accountability & he may use what you say in session against you later.
Trying to stop you from seeing your father under the circumstances is appalling & signals a profound lack of empathy along with his control issues.
Post # 17
Oh. I just looked at OP’s username & realized who she is. Good grief. Totally confirms what I posted above.
Post # 18
I got a sense there was more to this so I had a quick read of your first post too. i’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m a bit of a thinker by nature so my own engagement hasn’t all be glitter and rainbows so i do “get” that aspect however to me it sounds like more than that OP 🙁 I’m sure that’s really hard to come to terms with. You take your time mulling everything over and doing what’s right for you and you alone. +
I think you’ve received some great advice already. If you’re sure you want to keep trying then re: spending time with your Fiance I would set aside a date night. Hanging out before or after work is nice but it’s not always quality time. Rather than feeling guilty about spending time with your family, which is really important particularly at this time, make sure you guys are both committing to spending a proper night together doing something you love or trying something new. I would also be really clear in letting Fiance know now’s the time he should be supporting you more than ever with your father sick – which I’m really sorry to hear about By The Way xx
Post # 19
Partners (and friends/family) support each other. The best time to determine if someone is right for you/should be in your life is how they act in tough times. Someone who cares for you supports you through your hard times. Someone who doesn’t care for you prioritises themselves over you in tough times (whether that be an SO whinging about you supporting a loved one through cancer or a friend who focuses only on their wedding whilst you go through some tough stuff).
You know what you need to do here. Stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve.
Post # 20
This is not the guy for you! The right guy would want you to spend as much time with your sick father as possible. You need to leave him before you waste one more second with him instead of your father. How would you feel if you rushed home to be with him and your father had a horrible reaction to the chemo and died? Would you think *whew*, glad I got home in time to show Fiance how much I love him? Or would you be pissed that you had to prove your love to this idiot and it kept you from spending time with your father?
Post # 22
My father passed away of cancer – he was in relatively good health (frail and a little tired but able to be at home, walking around on his own, eating and drinking whatever he liked) thanks to chemo and a new immunotherapy treatment that extended his life for about 2.5 years longer than the average expected from the time we found out it had recurred.
Time is precious and I am so thankful for the days we spent with him while he was relatively well. And that I accompanied him for chemo a few times.
You will never regret spending time with your father.
And if your fiance does not love and support you and your family through this, he is not the right person. Hold out for the right one – it is worth it.
Post # 23
Of course he’d rather you spend time with him than accompany your father who has cancer to his chemotherapy appointment because he is incredibly selfish and narcissistic. He is just awful.
Post # 24
Please spend as many days as you can with your dad, he is ill. Your Fiance and you have the rest of your lives together, and he should realize the time between your dad and you should be cherished at this time in your dads life.
I went through cancer with my dad, mom, and my husband. They are no longer with me. And I wish to this day I could of done more, and trust me I did alot. Im still left with guilt for not staying by my husbands side till the end, but I never thought he was going to leave us that night. I was tired, and his body was tired of hangin on.
You need to re-think about being married to this guy. Id call off this engagement real quick.
Post # 25
No. Dad with chemo > self-absorbed Fiance. If he doesn’t get that, he is not an understanding partner. You’re only going for a day and as you said, he will literally miss you for 3 hours. He needs to tell whoever keeps hitting him with the “stupid stick” to lay off, your dad is undergoing cancer treatments for Pete’s sake!
It bothers me that you feel you need to walk on eggshells when you argue about stupid stuff. He sounds REALLY insecure and if I were you I would at least postpone the engagement until he gets his head screwed on straight in therapy.
Post # 26
Thank you all for your reassurance and kind words- I haven’t gotten out of bed yet today, I am just paralyzed by my inability to make a decision.
I promise you all- I never used to be this weak.
He has spent all day texting and calling me to tell me it was a misunderstanding- that he didn’t realize when chemo started, when it ended, thought I would be gone all day tomorrow, that “of course he wasn’t telling me not to take my day to chemo”- but I just can’t drop it. I can’t stop feeling as if his needs are all that matters in his mind- that though he “didn’t tell me not to” he still set conditions/made me feel guilty for not meeting his expectations. I don’t even think he sees how truly isolating he has become. He just keeps saying I don’t want to spend time with him, that’s it all about my wants. Meanwhile I thought the fact that I was basically spending all day waiting for him to come home and postponing leaving till 630 pm (when I will most likely be driving through the dark) WAS a compromise.
I am so tired of trying. I am mourning the possible loss of the future we planned but I know I wouldn’t miss him much. Why can’t it just be okay to recognize that things aren’t working?
Post # 27
Also a special thank you to any of you who shared your personal experiences regarding loved ones with cancer. I think we all share a unique bond due to the pain we’ve been through and the silver living is that we get to learn from each other. I am so thankful to have this opportunity to learn from you.
Post # 28
You tell us. Why do you think it can’t just be enough to know it’s not working? What story do you have in your head that says “I can only leave if…x,y,z situation occurs”? You’ve already admited you won’t miss him. So this isn’t about him or your love for him. This is about you. If you leave, what do you think that says about you? (I’m a loser that no one will love. I’m a quitter because I didn’t try hard enough.)
Post # 29
Just go.. Going one day on your time off is not asking alot. He needs to find a way to deal with it!
Post # 30
You’re allowed to leave the relationship if it’s not working. You don’t have to feel this way. Your partner should be your support and your best friend- not someone who just selfishly takes when you are already doing all you can.