Fiance told me to work on myself before we get married

posted 7 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9573 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

What do you mean is it valid?

Post # 3
Member
3721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

He doesn’t sound completely out of line. I’m typically not a fan of pointing fingers, but you admit that you react emotionally to everything. It would get old to have your partner constantly question everything. You don’t mention what kinds of ups and downs you’ve gone through, but if you’ve resolved them, it’s not good to always bring them up as reasons for your anxiety unless the issues truly haven’t been resolved. Have you considered couples counseling or individual counseling to help work on your communication and conflict resolution?

Post # 4
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

I am sure the comment he made to you is only going to further your anxiety/questioning.
I think you should go to counselling and try and work through some of your thoughts and feelings. This will teach you how to express emotions in a productive manner. I think anyone can benefit from counselling!

You haven’t provided much detail about the previous issues (downs) in your relationship so we have no way of knowing if this guy is just stalling and saying terrible things that make you react emotionally. Assuming he’s a good guy, I would take his advice and work on you 🙂

Post # 5
Member
1436 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think it takes two in a relationship and while you’re not perfect, laying the blame of your problems all at your doorstep is complete and utter BS.

I think you guys need couples counseling. You may be insecure but the fact that you’ve had “ups & downs” tells me that you are not reassured in this relationship and that’s a fault that falls on BOTH your shoulders.

Soooo maybe find a therapist that will work with you individually and as a couple and go from there.  Good luck

Post # 7
Member
9573 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It sounds like you need individual and couples counseling. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1436 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

lovelylatina :  Yes bee, you need to get therapy for the frankly childish behavior so you can figure out why you behave this way and learn to behave in a more appropriate manner.  Coming from a place of fear is not healthy and that needs to be addressed as it is negatively affecting your relationship.  However, I don’t for one second believe that you are 100% at fault for the problems in your relationship. No way, no how.

Post # 10
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Based on the limited details you gave us, I would say that he isn’t out of line by being honest about his frustrations. My best friend is marrying a woman who has anxiety issues that have caused a lot of problems over the years in their relationship and in their friendships. It’s very frustrating to watch unfold, because he tries so hard and is so patient and he doesn’t deserve to have to deal with the same bullshit over and over. He was honest with her about it when she started pushing for engagement and told her that he needs to see genuine progress on these issues before he can commit to marriage. She entered counseling and started anxiety meds, and about 6 months later he proposed. She’s now pregnant and off her meds so things have been a bit up and down again, but she has made a lot of progress in the time I’ve known her. I only hope she is able and willing to keep it up once the wedding is done. I worry about him and it sucks because I really love her and think she’s a great person, but I get really frustrated with her behaviour sometimes, and the rest of our friends feel the same way. 

Post # 11
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Just saw your updates and your behaviour sounds extremely immature and out of line. He is absolutely right to press pause on the wedding planning if that is how you react to disagreements. 

I think you should agree to press pause and get yourself into individual therapy and then perhaps couple’s counseling. 

Post # 13
Member
5926 posts
Bee Keeper

Why haven’t you gone to therapy or couples counselling? Reading books is a great start, but it seems like you need some new strategies to respond to conflict better.

Post # 14
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee

I definitely suggest couples counselling if you want this to work.

You need to learn healthy ways to react to conflict that don’t involve dramatics and ultimatums. Threatening to leave every time something doesn’t go your way is manipulative (and some even categorize it as emotional abuse). You may FEEL like the victim because you’re sensitive and are suffering from feelings of insecurity and anxiety – but it’s your responsibility to learn how to deal with those feelings in mature ways that don’t hold your fiance hostage to them. 

Does he do anything specifically that makes you feel insecure? You haven’t really said what triggers these outbursts so we can’t really tell how disproportionate your reactions are or if he has some things to work on as well. 

Post # 15
Member
2909 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

lovelylatina :  I think he’s right in this scenario, I would be really annoyed if my future husband was constantly questioning my feelings for him or if he was unable to communicate like a mature adult. 

If he hasn’t given you any reason to doubt his feelings or level of commitment to you then you really need to figure out where these fears are coming from and learn how to work through them.

As other bees have suggested, therapy is likely the best solution.

 

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