Fiance told me to work on myself before we get married

posted 9 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Listen, having anxiety isn’t your fault. But knowing that you have it, and not seeking help is. If you love this man, you should realize that your behavior is hurtful to him, and take the necessary steps to fix it. Frankly, he shouldn’t have to ask you to stop doing things like constantly questioning him, or giving your ring back. 

Post # 17
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

What are your arguments about?  Why do they escalate to the point that you’re removing your ring?

I’m inclined to say your fiance is right. However- if he’s calling you names, threatening, abusive, cheating, or crossing other boundaries, your behavior may be a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. 

Post # 18
Member
2577 posts
Sugar bee

Anxiety is a bitch and I do recommend seeking help for it, whether it be therapy or a Rx. 

However, without knowing you beyond this post, I would venture a guess that you aren’t feeling very secure in your relationship, which could be causing your anxiety.

 

 

 

Post # 19
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Go get some therapy to find out why you keep needing such intense reassurance from him. You either trust someone or you don’t. Therap is a good way to adress your insecurities and give your boyfriend a sense that you are finding new strategies to manage these issues 

 

lovelylatina :  

Post # 20
Member
664 posts
Busy bee

I think you need to think about how you argue and how to break yourself out of the cycle. Counseling can help with that. For all we know, he can be intentionally or unintentionally pushing your buttons, causing your overreactions. 

Removing yourself from an argument isn’t necessarily a bad thing but running to your parents for it is. You need to recognize why and when an argument is going downhill before it gets ugly and call time-out. Go outside and cool down for 5 minutes, think, and then consider picking up the conversation later. 

I may try to give advice but we’re not perfect either. Some things that I sometimes struggle with when arguing: breaking out of the mindset that you can “win” an argument, repressing the desire to “get the last word,” listening to the underlaying meaning and not getting stuck on his poor choice of words (using his words against him). Do you have any of these issues? 

Post # 21
Member
1868 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

He isn’t out of line. My brother told his wife she needed to stop being so emotional before they got engaged & she did. However once she got married she went back to her old ways 🤷‍♀️. Ha.

 

Post # 22
Member
265 posts
Helper bee

I think you would really benefit from the relationship modules in dialectal behavioral therapy (DBT). 

Your fiance is doing the right thing by saying you need to work on yourself before getting married. Constantly breaking up with someone in arguments is emotional abuse. You two should not be committing to each other for life until things improve.

Post # 23
Member
6097 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

lovelylatina :  It sounds like you need some therapy so that you can learn to communicate effectively and maturely. The behaviors you described do sound challenging to deal with in a marriage. 

However, the person that suggests their partner needs therapy often needs therapy too! So your SO likely would benefit from some counseling of his own.

Post # 24
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

 It sounds from your updates that your fiancé has very valid reasons for saying what he said. Running to parents and removing a ring is a very immature way of dealing with conflict and is basically a form of emotional blackmail. I get you have issues but you really need to access professional help to teach you how to deal with these negative behaviours and emotions and not just for your relationships sake but for your life outside it as I’m sure it impacts everything you do. 

I also think you’d both benefit from couples counselling as I’m sure your fiancé may also be contributing to this  by the dialogue he uses towards you in conflict. You both need to learn how to communicate to avoid causing unnecessary stress to you and exacerbating your condition and reaction.

Good luck and I hope 2019 brings you a healthier and happier you. 

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