- 5 months ago
- Wedding: October 2019
I’ve been with my fiance for 7 years. We had a really good first few pseudo-long-distance years. 3 years ago, I was finishing my training and had a chance to move to his city. We had the “talk” about where our relationship was headed. We agreed we intended to get engaged and married. Then we moved in together, and the first year we fought a lot. We almost broke up on several occasions. I ended up going to therapy, and he did a short stint in therapy. Things seemed to improve.
One day, he tells me he doesn’t want to buy a ring or have any wedding celebrations at all. He just wants to go to a lawyer’s office or city hall and sign some papers. I told him that wasn’t how I saw my wedding going. It was a shock. I come from a traditional, somewhat superficial family where throwing a wedding is culturally and socially important. It doesn’t have to be big, but it’s a sign of respect and embracing each other’s families. It’s sort of a slap in the face for the parents if you don’t. I have to admit, I just also want a day and process when I get to, for once, be the center of attention and feel beautiful. I didn’t need a crazy wedding, I just needed A wedding. Nonetheless, I went to my parents and tried to “sell” not having a wedding. It broke my heart how disappointed they seemed and they said that they felt it wasn’t “right” and I could tell it was like I crushed their dreams. It honestly also made me feel crummy myself, the idea of not having any significant event to mark the start of my marriage.
I went back and I told him I really did want a wedding. He told me he really didn’t. He said he hated everything involved with a wedding. Eventually, I told him this would be really hard on me and my family if I had no wedding at all. Over time, he relented by paying for a ring that I sourced and initially bought. He agreed to have a wedding. The catch is that I have to organise everything, which I have. I did everything alone; visiting 7 venues, finding/meeting/booking all the vendors etc. I get the deal, and I’m following through.
Every couple of months, he has a day or two when he will be quite mopey and it’ll be because he’s been asked too much about the wedding by others or just thinking about it. At first, he told me what an astronomical waste of money it was, how miserable it makes him, how pointless it was etc. I finally told him he was ruining a meaningful, joyful thing for me, and he eased off. He still tells me how much he dreads it and can’t wait for it to be over still. Tonight, he told me I was dragging him through shit just so I can get what I want.
I offered to add whatever he wanted, I’ve tried to think of ways to make the process more enjoyable. I told him how much I appreciated him agreeing to the wedding even though it was really not his cup of tea. I asked his friends to help. I tried to entice him with food choices I thought he’d like. But he says he wants nothing. Literally nothing – as in no wedding. At this point, things are booked, people are informed, I’ve put a lot into this, not to mention that’s not practical or fair to say that. He gave me the go-ahead before I put anything into motion. He still says the only way he’ll be happier is if I cut out things, like the ceremony. I know that will hurt my dad because walking me down the aisle is important to him. I even told my fiance that.
He suggested therapy and I enthusaistically agreed, but he seems to procrastinate putting this into action.
I feel like I’m putting in SO MUCH EFFORT to make a wedding happen. I’m paring it down to just engagement shoot, day-of-photos, cultural ceremony, legal ceremony and reception. I’ve done literally everything. I don’t even talk about the plans to him unless he has to know e.g. engagement shoot, choosing groomsmen. I’m afraid to even bring up the wedding. It’s like a secret I have to keep because he’ll be upset if he hears about it.
Have other people had to deal with this? I realise guys are not always gung-ho about weddings – but this just seems so much. What have other people done with similar situations?