Post # 16
futuremrs2020 : The plan at the moment is to have family and wedding party (no other friends) present for a cultural and civil ceremony on the reception grounds. The courthouse part – is something he’s suggested and I have some qualms about. One, it will turn out to be more travel during the day, I prefer the venue a lot more, but mostly because I have people flying in 16 hours to be there, and I feel a courthouse wedding isn’t significant enough. Am I being selfish here? I just want a nice ceremony that feels more substantial than a no-frills courthouse wedding? I’m not even having friends at the ceremony…
Post # 17
bellabelle12 : Yes, I guess it makes logical sense. I just feel so isolated and lost. I don’t know how to change that. On the one hand, this is my one chance to have this day. On the other hand, I feel guilty about wanting it and making it happen. Even though I’m busting my ass to make it happen! I feel like he’s decided it’ll be terriible and won’t give me/anyone a chance to change that.
Post # 18
bellabelle12 : jay6127 : I can completely relate to what bellabelle12 said. I am that person who tries to not be too invested in things so I’m not disappointed if things don’t go the way I planned it.
I also relate to what your fiance says in the sense that I was never keen on a wedding either and also think it’s a lot of money that I would have rather spent on something else. I say the same things to my fiancé that your fiance says.. I’m happy to get the legal stuff done.. But everything else feels fake and pointless to me.. FH and my family really wanted a wedding so I’m just going through with it to oblige them but I have been super resentful and annoyed the whole time.
My suggestion would be to continue not talking about wedding to him and instead talk about it with your friends or family. The less he thinks about it, the less he’ll complain about it or be sulky about it. If it were me, I would’ve been happy just to show up on the day of and go through it and not have to respond to people’s questions about it. If people ask him about the wedding, he could respond something like “we’re yet to decide it” or “we’re still planning that”.
Post # 19
Personally I feel like there needs to be a better compromise.
What is most important to you, the ceremony.or reception? Where will he feel most vulnerable?
I feel like you should give him his courthouse wedding, and then have your tasteful reception celebration meal without too much shebang. You need to take his anxiety into consideration. He should not be terrified or dreading the day because it’s too much for him
Post # 20
- Wedding: November 2018 - Australia
I was the woman in our heterosexual relationship, but I was like your fiance. I wanted marriage but not a wedding. I only agreed to one because my now-husband wanted to do it for his family. I moped. I complained. I dreaded the day. Worse yet, I had to be the one to plan most things because a lot more is expected of the bride. And the planning process was painful, because it gave my emotionally abusive mother the opportunity to criticise me “out of love”. People would not stop asking me about the wedding planning and could not understand a woman not wanting a wedding.
My husband put up with all my whining and I put up with the wedding. It was a memorable day. It was not the worst day of my life, but if I had to redo it I probably wouldn’t.
I hope your fiance is strong enough to get through it.
Post # 21
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
He was completly honest with you from the start. Now your going to have a wedding (he dosn’t want), and reception (he dosn’t want) with family and friends. But your dismissed his idea about a court ceremony, the one thing he asked for? Were is the compromise? He definatly want’s to marry you, so the pp’s that are saying he dosn’t I don’t believe that for one minute. He has been honest with you from the start about how he feels. It’s not just your wedding it’s his as well. He maybe grumbling and mooping about it but he has told you he doesn’t want anything to do with it but yet he is still wanting to marry you so that should tell you something.
Post # 22
Okay, it does seem there’s more going on here than just preferring a courthouse wedding. Even if he’s not a party guy, he should at least be excited that he’s finally getting married to his person. But he’s not.
I think there are some compatibility issues to work out here. You’ve both been in and out of therapy but it did not solve the underlying issues. 7 years would have been plenty of time to figure out that you two don’t want the same things, and to find some middle ground.
Like other bees said, he seems unwilling to compromise. He should be happy to make you happy for one day, even if it’s not his favorite thing. If he has anxiety, giving in and just going to the courthouse will solve nothing, because he’ll just find something else in your marriage to stress about.
My best advice is to go through with it, and hopefully he’ll be OK once the festivities are all over. If you cancel everything now, you’ll lose the deposits, and that will trigger his money fears. But I think you should be prepared that the wedding won’t be the last time he does this.
Post # 23
So basically you didn’t compromise at all you only focussed on what you want and what your parents/family want and disregarded how your “partner” felt, he conceded under duress and now you want advice on how to handle a situation that you created by bullying your team mate…honestly this is ridiculous you can’t get all your own way and then get upset when your lack of consideration for the person you want to spend your life with bites you in the behind. Hopefully your wedding day brings you enough comfort to make up for the *hardship* you’re feeling now
Post # 24
jay6127 : I totally get your fiance’s view of weddings in general. But parts of your post are very troubling. He was honest, which is great. But it sounds like you’re dragging him, kicking and screaming, to this point. I don’t see compromise here on either side. I see that you got what you wanted and he is angry and resentful about having to do anything it and is constantly telling you this. It’s not compromise to give in and then bitch about it over and over.
At this point it sounds like what’s done is done, but it isn’t what I would have advised.
Post # 25
It sounds like a good compromise would be to do the legal ceremony at the courthouse, then do the cultural one and reception later.
My FH and I didnt want our ceremony to be a show but wanted something special, we are taking our witnesses on a cruise and getting married overseas on a gorgeous beach with no frills, just us, the officiant our witnesses and a champagne toast after, easy, romantic and still special. We will be having an anniversary party with some of the frills of a wedding reception the following year so we can still party and play games and have the fun without the pressure for the “perfect day”
We have been together 8 years(9 the day we get married) and just dont think it should be a big show.
Post # 26
jay6127 : This doesnt bode well for the future. Sometimes we have to compromise and be supportive for our partner. What other things is he going to lay on your shoulders and do nothing to help with?
I did not want a wedding at all, I would have been happy to have just my FH and I alone on a beach somewhere in simple clothes with an officiant. He wanted more, so we compromised on a small family only wedding. I HATE the planning. We get married in 49 days and I havent even tried on a dress. But I LOVE him and cant wait to marry him so we worked together on planning the logistics – location, meal after, photographer, etc. Just because I loathe wedding stuff doesnt mean Id abandon him to do it alone.
Post # 27
jay6127 : I guess I’m not seeing the compromise here on your part…
He wanted NO wedding at all. You wanted a traditional wedding. He compromised saying he’d so a civil ceremony at the courthouse. But you said no and are continuing to plan your traditional wedding.
Post # 28
If there is one time in your entire life at which your whims should be indulged, it’s when you’re a bride. Of course, there are limits, and no one has an unassailable right to be Bride or Groomzilla. And no Bride will get 100% of her dream wedding.
But, within the parameters of good manners and budget; weddings, for better or worse, are still about brides. Loving grooms get this. They go along. They compromise. They give in. And, quite often, they find the day becoming far more special and important to them than they ever imagined it could be.
None of this is to even suggest there’s not plenty of squabbling. There is for many couples.
Most grooms aren’t especially excited about wedding planning. Some surprise themselves by suddenly caring about something or other, but, overall, it’s the bride’s show. It’s her BFD.
Bee, is this really enough for you? Can you truthfully say you won’t carry an enormous pile of resentment into this marriage?
I won’t speculate on what’s in your fiancé’s head. All we can judge is his behavior and judge, I will. He is withholding what he knows is most meaningful to you. He is choosing to deny you the chance to enjoy being a bride and everything that goes with it. He wouldn’t give you the symbol of your love and commitment that you wanted for the world to see.
Your fiancé has an absolute right to hate the idea of a wedding. He doesn’t have to have one. Fair enough.
The issue is whether this is really, truly ok for you.
Post # 29
sassy411 : I honestly find your comment the biggest pile of sexist drivel. Why is it that only the bride should be indulged for her wedding day but a loving groom should be the one to compromise, go along and give in? That is totally ridiculous. The idea that weddings are all about the bride is sexist, outdated and false.
OP it doesn’t seem like you are really prepared to compromise, the only thing you have done is not include friends for the ceremony and then everything else is exactly what you wanted and exactly what your SO didn’t want. You really should have had a deeper discussion about what each of you could let go of and what you could compromise on. Instead you went ahead and planned the sort of wedding that you knew he didn’t want and now you are upset that he 1. isn’t helping you plan it and 2. doesn’t actually want the wedding. I think you both need to have a pretty big come to Jesus talk before the wedding or you are going to have a lot of resentment towards each other to kick off your marriage.
Post # 30
zzar45 : I agree with you 100% the afformentioned comment is honestly kind of gross and I believe sums up a lot of problems in relationships and is similiar to the idea that for some reason men need to keep women happy, so far from what I belive makes a long term successful partnership where both people are actually happy.