Fiance unhappy with having a wedding

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
6667 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sassy411 :  …What?

I’ve never seen you spout such dated, sexist nonsense before…

Post # 33
Member
2040 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Unless he had a gun to his head, it seems that OP’s fiance agreed to the general idea of the wedding and also consented througout the process (giving his OK to book various vendors), so I think it’s a little unfair of him to be so unpleasant and punitive about it now. I do think the OP could have compromised more, too. She seems to be having exactly the traditional wedding he didn’t want. If he wants to cut the ceremony, I think that’s fair.

OP, I would go to the courthouse the morning of the wedding with your parents and then have the reception later in the day for the larger crowd. This isn’t about your parents’ dreams, but about you and your future husband finding common ground and both being happy.

Post # 34
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

jay6127 :  “I find it hard to give up parts of my envisioned wedding day” 

It should be yalls day. That was something my FH and I had so many conversations on. I was having a hard time putting firm lines down on what I wanted what we wanted, and giving into what others wanted. It’s not fair to him to have his feelings fully ignored. Either you compromise some or you’re bulldozing the day for all your wants and he is going along because you want, not because he wants. He has told you he is uncomfortable, he has asked for courthouse for whatever reason. From your posts you have gotten everything you want and are mad because he isnt excited for something he doesnt want anyway.

My FH was begrudgingly looking at venues and talking with me about where we could do a ceremony locally and how many people we had to invite and all. When we looked at it together we both realized it wasnt what either of us wanted and I was uncomfortable with going through with a full wedding if he did not want to have a full wedding, that’s no fun. 

I think you need to sit down and talk about how you can accommodate both of your wants. You seem inflexible to change anything and it truly wasnt fair to go ahead and plan something and be so set on something he has already said he is against(for some valid and some personally valid reasons) you dont sound truly ready to be married if you cant think about his feelings or desires at all. Sounds like he has thought of yours by agreeing to let you have full reigns, you cant expect him to feign interest if hes genuinely not.

Again, my FH at least tried but we had to have a serious talk about it. It’s not okay for him to be mad and mean to you either, but you must see that you brought a lot of this on yourself by not listening to him from the start

Post # 35
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

llevinso :  I actually don’t see the compromise on his part. A civil ceremony at a courthouse is usually the minimum to be married. It seems, however, she did compromise often on the nature of the wedding.

Post # 36
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

jay6127 :  Your envisioned wedding? That’s your problem, it’s his wedding also! What are you not understanding. 

Post # 37
Member
6667 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

anonymousbee001 :  Courthouse ceremonies can go 2 ways: 1) go and literally just sign paperwork and treat it like any other random day; or 2) make it into something special with a dress, flowers, photos, a few guests. It seems he’d rather do the former but says he’d be okay doing the latter. I’m not saying OP has to do absolutely nothing like what she wants, but it does sound like he’d prefer something much, much, much more low key and what OP is planning sounds just like every other wedding I’ve been too. 

But re-reading OP’s posts, it sounds like there are going to be 2 ceremonies…? Is that right? In the latest update she wrote “she was okay with the idea of a City Hall wedding as long as there is a rest-time between ceremonies” so I’m really confused. 

Post # 38
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

llevinso :  So in the state I was married, the ceremony, including vows and witnesses were a requirement. It’s weird that he objects so strongly to the minor changes involved in a change of clothes and location, and a few pictures. Certainly, during a marriage there are larger compromises.

Post # 39
Member
6667 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

jay6127 :  Another thought. Maybe it doesn’t HAVE to be a courthouse ceremony. Maybe he’d be okay if you seriously scale down what you’re planning. From what I’m reading you’re having 2 ceremonies (can it just be 1?), engagement photos (are those necessary?), a bridal party (do you need to have that? can you stick to 1 person each maybe?). These are just a few ideas but it sounds like the only compromise you’ve made so far is not to invite any friends, but otherwise all the other traditional wedding elements are there. 

Post # 40
Member
2899 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

jay6127 :  I don’t really understand what you’re saying about the ceremony either, there are two events?

Can you explain what the plan is currently? I think if you laid it out, it might be easier for us to give advice.

Post # 41
Member
10410 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

llevinso :  

Just calling balls and strikes.

Even in 2019, weddings are still more about brides than grooms.  Not always, but, in general.

How come no one gets outraged when we acknowledge that the guys are still the ones doing the proposing?

The point of my post was that OP clearly has her heart set on a traditional wedding. Her fiancé hates the idea.

Someone has to give up quite a lot to make this work.

Op is the one here asking for help.  So, my question remains the same.

OP, if you give up the wedding that you want, will you be able to make peace with it?  It would be awful to carry resentments into a new marriage.

 

 

Post # 42
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I just want to add, there seems to be a lot of focus on what will make other people happy, like your parents, over your Fiance. It’s your and his wedding. Not your parents’. I get your dad will be disappointed to not walk you down the aisle, but I’d be very upset if my partner said no to what *i* want for our wedding bc it goes against their parent’s desires. I’d feel like a second class citizen in my relationship .

Post # 43
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I don’t really understand why your fiance is okay with a ceremony at the courthouse, but not at the reception venue. It’s basically the same ceremony, just in different settings. What is he envisioning for a courthouse wedding, and why can’t that be replicated at your venue? Is he concerned about the number of people? I wouldn’t normally recommend this, but perhaps you can limit the ceremony to a few important people and then have a larger reception. I guess I’m just having a hard time understanding which elements of a “traditional” wedding he’s not okay with, so if you are able to provide any clarification, that would help us in giving you advice. 

Post # 44
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

OP, for what it’s worth, I think you compromised well.  You’re having a very small, scaled-down wedding that is nothing extravagant and is really only one peg above just signing a paper in a court house.  I think you’re fine and your fiance’s side of the compromise is that he needs to work a little harder at not being so mopey and negative about it.  You scaled down your vision to accomodate his anxiety, now it’s his turn to meet you in the middle.

Post # 45
Member
2625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

jay6127 :  so  you said he told you (basically) that to keep you, he will suck it up and marry you, albeit at the courthouse. I’m sorry but I don’t think this is about a wedding event itself. He gets mopey and  is dreading the wedding and seems to want to minimalize marrying you as much as possible. I think he is dreading having to get married. Period. Your relationship has been rocky over the years and I think he probably has significant reservations. I’m sorry but I think even if he goes through with marriage to you,  it’s not going  to end well long term.  Sorry not what you want to hear I know….

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