Fiance unhappy with having a wedding

posted 5 months ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
735 posts
Busy bee

jay6127 :  

Something that has stuck out to me with your posts is the idea of making your parents happy.

I understand – most of us are raised and socialized to believe that being a “good daughter” or “good son” means living up to our parents’ expectations, but actually, you need to try and put that aside.

Sure, it’s nice if your parents can get on board with and support your decisions, but you cannot base your choices on what they will and won’t approve of. At some point, you have to figure out what it is you want, independent of them.

I recommend that you spend some time thinking, really thinking about a) your own personal desires/dreams for a wedding (just yours, no one else’s), b) what you can compromise on, c) what you can live with. Between you and your partner, get a clear idea of what the two of you want, no one else. Then, see what overlap or middle ground there is, and stick to that. Your parents and other people may be disappointed… but they’ll get over it. It isn’t their wedding, and it isn’t their marriage.

As for your partner, I’m concerned about his attitude towards all of this and the fact that you describe his words to you as “unkind” some of the time. Bee, this behaviour rarely comes in isolation. If he is inclined to sulk and lash out at you over this, this is probably going to rear its head in other situations as well. He is entitled to his feelings and preferences, but he is not entitled to belittle yours and make this miserable for you. If I were you, I would try to assess how much of this is about the wedding only, and how much of this is his character. There might also be some compatibility issues here.

 

Post # 47
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

indigobee :  

I agree. The OP doesn’t seem like she is ready to be married since she is so dependent on her parents’ approval. I wonder if her fiance sees how much the OP is influenced by her parents and has issues with that as well. 

Post # 48
Member
26 posts
Newbee

I’m sorry you’re having this problem, OP. I think from reading your posts that therapy is probably a good idea, because it sounds like coming to a happy compromise for you both has been a challenge. It sounds like you are both trying in your own ways, but not meeting each other’s expectations of what that compromise should be. I also am a little wary of when you say things about being unkind to each other. It’s probably not the best foundation for your relationship overall. 

For reference, my FH have a similar problem. He wanted absolutely no wedding, signing some papers, and no ring. I am not a big wedding person, but I wanted something to mark the occasion. It took a lot of talking, but I explained why I felt an engagement ring was important to me and he agreed, so I chose one that was affordable for him, he bought it, and I happily wear it. Weddings have never been a big to do in his family, and he thinks they are a waste of money. My parents never had the opportunity for a wedding (different time, different culture), so it is super important to my mom that I have one. I would ideally like a small, family and close friends wedding. In the end, we settled for a tiny ceremony with only our parents in a public garden, followed by dinner at our favorite restaurant. We are getting dressed to the nines and having a wedding photographer at my request (but no engagement photos), he gets minimal pomp and circumstance, and we will be well fed and spend relatively little. I’m doing most of the planning because he doesn’t care so much about the details, but it’s a lot less of a burden since I’m planning for a handful of people. As another compromise, we will take a separate trip out for him to meet my family across the country (I have met most of his since they live in town). I’m calling this our victory tour. 

I have gotten some comments from friends, family, and colleagues. My mom was disappointed because none of our family was invited; but was over the moon at the suggestion of the victory tour (at my FH’s suggestion, btw). For the others, I have approached it by saying “this is what we want”. Is it everything we each individually want? No. But we have reflected on what is important to us individually and as a couple and then reflected on what we were willing to give up. Now we are both pretty excited for the day. I truly hope you and your FH can come to an agreement about your day that gets you both excited about starting your lives together. 

Post # 49
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

From my point of view, you’ve basically guilted, bribed and manipulated him to have gotten your way and now you want him to be happy about it.

I get wanting a wedding. I get him not wanting a wedding. Surely you guys could have met in the middle somehow?

Post # 50
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

I can understand not being that enthusiastic about a wedding. The thing about events like weddings is that the meaning is symbolic – which means it’s totally subjective. 

I struggled with the idea of having a traditional wedding, because to me weddings had always seemed kind of materialistic, self involved and patriarchal. Not to mention an astronomical time & money suck. 

The more disturbing thing to me is his attitude. A wedding was important to my husband and my family and when I realized my negaitivity was hurting their feelings because of what it meant to them, I scaled it back and tried to see the good in it that they did. 

BUT – it also sounds like you didn’t compromise enough on your end either. There’s a lot of options in between signing papers at the courthouse and the grand traditional wedding you’re planning right now. 

I’d break it all down with him and focus on the meaning behind the things that you want.You want your family there because you feel it’s about merging families? Great! You want engagement photos so that you have photos for social media? Nope – compromise. etc. 

Post # 51
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

How have you guys handled other disagreements (did you have different ideas about what neighborhood to buy your house in, haw many bedrooms/square feet you needed, how much to spend, the necessity of a mud room)?  What will happen if you don’t agree on whether to take a job in another state, use crying it out with your baby, invest in high-risk stocks?  Is the wedding the only sticking point or this a broader concern with difficulty reaching a compromise?

Post # 52
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

I can see where your fiance is coming from. I’m the person in my relationship not wanting a big fuss. Anxiety, not liking to be the centre of attention, that won’t change. I could suck it up and go along with a big wedding but what would be the point? I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t take my feelings into consideration and compromise with me.

This wedding has to be a compromise between you. It shouldn’t have anything to do with what your parents want, they had their chance at their own wedding. If you are having a party that you want, I think you need to give him some more control over this – you definitely have to work with his desire for the courthouse ceremony! Worry less about what others think, and more about what makes him comfortable.

Post # 55
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

jay6127 :  Given the update, it seems pretty clear to me now that you have tried to compromise and trim the fat so that your fiancé will be more comfortable. But he won’t meet you in the middle.

He doesn’t want to play a role in his own wedding ceremony at all? He doesn’t care about accommodating his very ill future MIL? He might not even want to say “I do”? This guy has issues that have nothing to do with the wedding.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, bee. I hope you can get to the bottom of it.

Post # 56
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

You said: “ He kept confirming he wanted to be together for the long run and if it meant getting married, he’d marry me. ” 

So  he’ll marry you if he absolutely *has to* to keep you around. I doubt this is about the wedding event itself. He is mopey, difficult and unhappy about the wedding and anything related to marriage with you.  He seems to want to minimalize marrying you and is dreading it, period. You mentioned your relationship had been rocky over the years. It would seem that he may have significant reservations that he is unwilling/ unable to vocalize.  I think even if he goes through with marriage to you,  it’s not going  to end well long term.  Sorry.

Post # 57
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

hickoryhills :  

You raise a good point that seems to have gotten lost here.

While OP is tying herself into knots to create some kind of wedding that her fiancé can stomach, he is pouting and griping.  Is this how he will deal with not getting everything he wants, exactly his way, for the rest of their days?

Where is his effort to compromise?  Is, oh, all right, I’ll marry you, if I have no other choice, supposed to count as a grown up, good faith effort at a meeting of the minds?

Within the context of the new information posted by the OP, there is his complete lack of compassion for OP’s mother.  This, I would find extremely disturbing.  I’m a complete stranger, and want OP’s mom to be able to enjoy this bright spot. I dare say, most normal humans would.

This guy is also completely comfortable with disregarding OP’s cultural traditions.  

Thus far, I haven’t read any compelling argument in hs favor.  I don’t wanna does not constitute a cogent defense. Why can’t he reach out and be more accommodating?

It would be one thing if he had a legit issue, eg social anxiety.  But, I’d expect him to be getting treatment, not hiding behind it.

The more OP posts, more concerning this guy becomes.

 

Post # 59
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

jay6127 :  

Then I stand corrected.  I apologize if I misunderstood.

Do you feel that your fiancé is making the effort to meet you in the middle? 

Is he empathetic toward your mother?

And, to circle back yet again.  Bee, if he holds his ground, will you be at peace with it?  Can you go into your marriage free of resentments?

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