Fiance unhappy with having a wedding

posted 4 months ago in Emotional
Post # 63
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Can you elaborate on what kinds of other problems there are with the relationship?

Post # 64
673 posts
Busy bee

jay6127 :  

It sounds to me as if the Chinese tea ceremony and having a respite between ceremony and reception so that your mom can rest and enjoy the day are the most important factors for you here, and I think they are entirely reasonable. I would open up to your fiance about these being your biggest wishes and see his reaction.

And as far as incorporating civil aspects into the ceremony so that the marriage can be legal, he is just going to have to suck it up. You can’t very well have a marriage that he state doesn’t recognise. 10-15 minutes of legal ritual is hardly asking a lot, so I really feel he is making a mountain out of a molehill.

I agree that you seem to have made lots of compromises, particularly on the cost aspect. I think the time has probably come for the two of you to agree on the essentials of the wedding (which will involve compromise on both sides), and for him to draw a line under his complaining.

Whilst it would be nice if we could have what we want all the time, adult life doesn’t work that way. In the real world, there is a lot of compromising and doing what is important and needs to be done. 

Post # 65
182 posts
Blushing bee

jay6127 :  I suggest telling him that a courthouse wedding will be rough on your mom, and see if that changes anything. I’m betting it won’t. He’s made it clear what he wants — for the wedding to be as secret as possible, and to strip it of anything that would make it special.

Anyone should be overjoyed that they’re formally joining their life together with the person they chose. He’s not. To me, that’s such a red flag.

Post # 66
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Maybe your fiance thinks the ceremony wording sounds “pseudo-religious” because he’s heard those words included in many church ceremonies. But he kind of has it backwards — the reason why the church ceremonies are worded that way is because that is what is required by the state for it to be a legally valid/recognized marriage ceremony. There is no mention of God (or any other deity) in the script for a legally recognized civil ceremony. (I know this firsthand because my fiance and I also looked into this; we are both non-religious and wanted to have a secular ceremony. Our officiant explained to us what needs to be in there for it to be legal, and we’ve read through it all ourselves. I’m an atheist and don’t have a problem with the wording, so I don’t get which parts he’s taking issue with.)

You also mentioned that your fiance is objecting not only to the ceremony wording, but also to needing to participate at all. I understand if there is some social anxiety at play, but it’s sounding like he would have a problem with this no matter how many or few other people are in the room with you. Honestly, that attitude would turn me off so much. He is going to make both of you forfeit numerous legal and financial benefits that may greatly impact your futures and well-being, all because he can’t say a few words and muster his way through a 10-minute ceremony? If you are in a situation where you are unable to make medical decisions that could save your life, he will not automatically be able to do that for you — all because he couldn’t suck it up for 10 minutes? 

I understand objecting to the costs associated with a wedding and not wanting too many people there, but objecting to the stuff that would actually make you married — the very essence of the ceremony? I’m sorry, I think that’s really shitty. It’s clear from your updates that you’ve already compromised a lot on your original “vision” in order to plan a wedding that you are both comfortable with, and he can’t do this one things for you after already agreeing to marry you? I’ve known several couples where the grooms weren’t that interested or involved in planning the wedding and complained about the costs involved, but when it came down to it, ALL of them were incredibly excited to commit to spending their lives with the person they love. The fact that your fiance has such a negative attitude about this is concerning, and I kind of have to agree with thunderbee : that it’s like he’s trying to make this a secret and non-special as possible, and I’m having a hard time understanding why. I’m so sorry for all the difficulties this has caused for you. 🙁

Post # 68
558 posts
Busy bee

OMGGGGGGGG. getting married to this guy sounds harder than putting pants on a two year old who does NOT want to put pants on right now. 

Squirming, wriggling, running- wtf. 

I would have thrown my hands up a long time ago without any real explanation from him that makes sense and can be agreed upon in a way that makes both parties look forward to it. 

He is making this so much harder than it has to be, and the biggest question is- WHY? 

Post # 69
10597 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

jay6127 :  

My concern, Bee, is whether this will be a lifelong pattern.

A wedding is small ball when compared to the plethora of compromises you will each be called upon to make over the next 50 or more years.  That’s pretty much the essence of a marriage.

Will he use sulking, pouting, and general negativity as his primary mechanism for avoiding having to give in? Is this his way of maintaining control?

Post # 70
4 posts

jay6127 :  Bee, I can relate somewhat to what you’re going through. Similar I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and he is not excited about a wedding at all (partially my fault because I take no initiative). You, however, have taken control of the situation and you’ve started all of the planning and he is not showing a bit of decency or consideration toward you. 

As much as I love these forums, I hate that the general attitude is always to leave your partner. I don’t ordinarily believe in ultimatums but this is one of those times where you need to set one to see if he cares enough to meet your needs as well. If you don’t see any effort on his part, then you’ll need to reconsider where you stand with him. It would be unfair for me to tell you to leave when I haven’t had the strength to do so myself. I suppose it’s important to at least recognize though that it may very well just be a waste of time. 

Post # 72
3947 posts
Honey bee

jay6127 :  I understand your need to please your parents once you said you were Chinese. I don’t know if therapy will help your fiance understand. You can’t fix cheap and stubborn.

Post # 75
580 posts
Busy bee

This relationship sounds like way too much work. It’s like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole when you have so many compatibility issues. I’m not going to suggest leaving him because that’s not really practical advice at this point as I know you want to go ahead with the marriage. All I can say is that you will need to be prepared to keep putting in hard work for many years. Get as much therapy as you can. There is the potential for many more issues when children come into the picture. I hope the therapy will help you both. 

I can relate to your SO on a tiny level as my SO has a big traditional Chinese family and I have a tiny European family where we just get married at the court house and go out to a restaurant. The latter would be my dream wedding. Unfortunately when there’s a big Chinese family involved it can’t really work like that – it has to be the whole shebang… I think if it were me I’d want to get legally married the day before by just going to sign the papers and then just having a tea ceremony and banquet the next day. Not sure if that’s possible for you but perhaps something to consider? 

I mean I have read your other responses so I know this just one of a number of issues which seem to revolve around your SO’s inability to compromise. He has strongly opposed views but then he gives into you completely and blames you forevermore, which is a very unhealthy thought process. Hopefully therapy can sort this out. 

Post # 75
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

If sulking and blaming you is how he handles everything, as opposed to just the wedding, he’s never going to compromise on anything in life. It seems like he mimics the behavior he learned from his father. It’s not fair that he offers you a bare minimum courthouse wedding as his “compromise”, and makes you plan everything because you want something more. It seems like you’re doing all the work in this relationship, and he’s never going to change. I know this is easy for me to say, but I personally would not stay in a relationship like that. No two people are ever going to have the same exact vision of a wedding, and BOTH need to communicate and compromise, rather than sulking until the other party gives in more and more. I honestly feel that planning something as expensive, important, and large scale as a wedding is something the couple should do together. How you each handle it is a big indicator of how you will handle finances and disagreements in everyday life. I’m not against therapy, but if you still need therapy and have been needing therapy, is this relationship really worth the trouble? There needs to be an end goal with therapy. It’s reasonable to need therapy during rough patches, but if you need it perpetually, is that truly a healthy relationship? It sounds like your family is somewhat traditional, imagine how they’d feel if this relationship ends in divorce. The whole, “I’d marry you Monday but I won’t stand through a 10 minute ceremony unless you do all the planning,” seems like a cop out. There are some bigger underlying issues. You have suggested so many ways to accommodate him, he has done virtually none. You say he has made some suggestions and accepted some of your ideas, but it seems very begrudging to me. I’m not saying he has to be enthusiastic about the wedding, but he is actively mopey and sulky, which is how he handles other aspects of life as well. That is the true red flag to me. He makes a compromise, then he can’t accept it and blames it on you. Working on a relationship should not be so one sided. Maybe you should have a serious talk with your therapist about whether this relationship is sustainable, as he is more familiar with the both of you. I truly wish you the best of luck!

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