Post # 1
I am pulling my hair out right now, I am marrying the sweetest man in the world in 3 months. I am really excited and have pretty much done the big planning decisions. My Fiance has had one job so far, book an appointment to give notice of marriage which he did and was fine.
Everything else has been me, when I ask his opinion I get a ‘yeah fine’ or ‘whatever you think’ he is totally uninterested. I know he didn’t want a huge wedding, so I get that he is worried about certain bits, but we have a big family so it cant be helped. I have cut out loads to make it easier, no first dance or speeches etc, but still but he doesn’t seem interested or excited at all!
Today I asked him to help me pick songs of or the ceremony. I finally thought I might have found something he would like, as he loves music. But even this was a chore! I asked him if he was looking forward to anything about the wedding. He said just said being married and then It all being over.
I don’t think he gets how hurtful I find this. It’s the most important day of our lives. Has anyone else had similar problems? Do you think is am being unreasonable in feeling so upset about it?
any advice would really help! Thanks
Post # 3
Men are rarely interested in wedding planning. I will never understand why women think they will be. I would: a) explain to him that his disinterest is hurting your feelings, and b) choose stuff yourself and let him know before you book/solidify anything.
Post # 4
@vorpalette: it’s not just about wedding planning, I wasn’t expecting him to pick out colour schemes with me. It’s about him having any interest at all even in the wedding day.
Post # 5
@Mimblewimble: For a lot of people, a wedding is just a party. Not just men, but women too. It’s a fun party, but just a party. (Yes, there are vows as well, but the big focus, all the hoopla, is on the reception) Not everyone wants to be the center of attention or have a huge fuss made over them, is this perhaps part of his issue with a wedding?
Have you asked him if he wants a wedding? Did he want to elope but is doing the big wedding for you? I’m not saying anyone is right or wrong, but it might help you understand where he is coming from more.
Post # 6
I guess maybe where you’re not seeing eye to eye is the whole “most important day of your lives” bit. Maybe to you it’s the most important day, but to him that might not be so. Lots of people don’t like big events, especially big events that put them at the center of attention. Some people just aren’t into planning parties (which is essentially what a wedding is) – and while it is definitely frustrating, you gotta remember that planning just isn’t everyone’s thing.
Try explaining to him that while you get that it’s not his cup of tea, it’d mean the world to you if he can find one or two things to be involved in – such as the music – and find some enthusiasm within him for those few details. Handle the rest with your family and girlfriends 🙂
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
I had the same problem with my Fiance. It was very painful for me because it is SUPER important to me.
But, I decided to look at it as it’s only one day and take a lot of emotion out of it when I talked with him about it. I just kept it to the facts.
But, we did have a really good talk about it and that fixed a lot.. I explained why it was hurting me and he explained why he wasn’t interested. For him, everytime we starting planning something, all he saw was $$ signs and that stressed him out because we’re paying for our wedding and don’t have a lot of funding to put towards it It also made him upset because he can’t give me my “dream wedding.”
After that talk, we quickly started communicating more effectively and are now doing great! He found things that he really cares about and wants to do (making manly benches for seating) and I get to plan and ask his opinion without getting an “I don’t know, whatever you like” or “it’s up to you” 🙂
Post # 8
@Mimblewimble I totally understand and feel your pain! It’s like pulling teeth to get Fiance to help in any way, even if it’s giving an opinion about something. I get a lot of jokes from Fiance when I ask him to help with the rehearsal dinner (like a redneck mud bogging theme – we aren’t that southern). So I decided from now on I’m going to put together all my ideas and present them to him as I go for his “approval”, then he feels like he’s helping. I’m not a control freak and want him to have an opinion and help, but this is just easier. I hope you are able to find some balance with him and start enjoying planning again. If you find any tricks that work to get him more enthusiastic, please do pass along. 🙂
Post # 9
Thank you everyone, nice to know its not just me!
Post # 10
I had the same argument with my Fiance, i said “you aren’t even interested in this wedding” but he actually just said “you seem to really love planning and having control so i didn’t want butt in” and he just wants to get married and he’s happy letting me run with it.
Post # 11
Face it, men know NOTHING about planning a wedding, nor know what is involved in a wedding or planning a wedding. My Fiance was unaware that flowers were involved in a wedding. Don’t feel bad, he’s a man – they lack knowledge of these things and it’s not instinct for them to know how to plan a wedding like us women.
They need “to do” lists. Usually something fun and interesting for them to do.
We are doing a DIY wedding, so I’m giving Fiance fun things to do, one, he loves music, so I’m letting him complile the list of dinner and mingling music for the reception for the iPod.
Just try not to be bossy about it, he’ll lose even more interest in it, or just back off from asking him to do things to avoid conflict and do it yourself. Men don’t know much about wedding planning.
Post # 12
I get that you are frustrated with your Fiance but some men just don’t like all the planning. As someone I know said (not Darling Husband although I think he felt the same way) they would rather have a nail hammered into his head than wedding plan. I think it confuses and overwhelms a lot of men. Don’t take it personal just continue the planning and tell him where to be and when.
Post # 13
Fiance hasn’t been TOO interested in wedding planning. he hardly ever brings it up on his own. when I ask for his opinion or suggestions, he’ll talk about it and give his two cents…but other than that, it’s been mainly me. I think it’s just how men are with these things!
Post # 14
my Fiance is excited to be marrying me but could care less about the planning and the details.
i told him i wasn’t doing this myself. i asked him what he wanted to be apart of (food, music, honeymoon) and what he didn’t want to be apart of (invitations, colors, flowers, etc).
then i made a To-Do list of what i expected his help with and gave him deadlines on certain items.
this is working very well for us.
Post # 15
i asked my fi to do one thing. i made all invites i just asked if he could put them in envelopes and send them off. so i did my side and his side r still sitting on the table 1 month later. I said i wasnt going to nag him because atleast my family will be there if he doesnt send them and none of his side comes them thats his problem!
Post # 16
I think I was getting upset because I am a bit stressed with the plans last few weeks, we are paying for it all alone on a tight budget and I am trying hard to make sure we still have a nice day, last few weeks have been quite busy with getting bits sorted.
I have not been pushy at all, I have organised everything and only asked him once to help, I have removed the things that make him most uncomfortable so its essentially the ceremony and then a big party after. I have wanted him to be interested though and have just let it go when he was not bothered, but I thought with picking songs this would be one thing he would like to get involved in and was looking forward to doing this one bit with him. Again barely any interest and I snapped. We have had a talk and loads of what you have all said rings true.
I think he is overwelmed and not looking forward to the attention. He also doesnt know where to start with the planning and he knows I will take control so happy to just let me get on with it. I think was confusing not being interested in the wedding with not being interested in getting married which was stupid. I know how much he wants to be married to me.
Thank you for everyones advice and comments. Really helped me put it in to perspective.