(Closed) Fiance wants a break..

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Can you get back together after wedding called off

    Yes with couples therapy

    Yes if both people are willing

    No its beyond repair

  • Post # 2
    Member
    3029 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    I don’t think in all cases things can’t be resolved after cancelling a wedding. However, I think in your case that it’s time to move on. I would appreciate the good times, appreciate the bad for any lessons they taught you, and put focus/effort into just living for you for a moment. Then when you feel up to it, enjoy yourself and meet some new people. Life isn’t worth so much stress.

    I do know that if you both try getting back together again that there is no way there’s a chance for things to improve without counseling. The fact he refuses should be a red flag for you on top of everything else.

    Post # 3
    Member
    8969 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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    mily01:  It is so sad because I know you will see it as giving up on 12 years of you two as a couple, but actually what this is a get out jail free card so you can move on and find the love you deserve. He shoud be willing to try therapy and he should be wanting to fight for this, not just going on a break and going AWOl why you sit and wait for a verdict, it is just crule. I would say that it is done, and that you need to move on. I am so so sorry for you because I know how tough it will be to move on after such a long time together and planning to get married etc. Big hugs to you xxx

    Post # 6
    Member
    3029 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    View original reply
    mily01:  Have you considered going to counseling for yourself? I think a counselor can help walk through the relationship with you and examine the areas of it that you need insight on. At least then you have a support network set up and, if he comes back and is willing to do counseling, then he can come with you on sessions. It will be nicer having that foundation set.

    It’s completely natural for you to feel the way you do. It was a 12 year relationship which is not easy to give up on. You have a lot of time, effort, and feelings invested for twelve years so it won’t be easy. There doesn’t have to be abuse for a relationship to not work. Sometimes people grow apart or one outgrows the other. It sounds like you both met very young as well and I would venture to say that he’s still figuring out himself. Either way, it’s not okay to continually bail and run off when times get rough. Especially when planning to make a lifelong partnership with marriage. I would worry that his flight tactics will be his go to every time the relationship has a sour streak. I personally think to spend more time waiting on him is a disservice to the life you could be enjoying and leading currently. I also know that there is a healthier relationship out there for you when the time is right. However, only you can make the choice for what you want to do.

    What are the things you both keep fighting over?

    Post # 7
    Member
    3029 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    View original reply
    mily01:  You could flag it for a mod to request they move it to relationships. It’s the little flag icon on your posts.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2121 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Why does he keep giving you letters? Can he not speak to you? I agree with 

    View original reply
    soymilk, counselling is probably a good idea even if just for yourself. You need to tell him firmly that he either attends couples counselling with you and fights for this, or you’re walking away for good. If his response is more time apart, another break, or another letter, then it’s over. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1271 posts
    Bumble bee

    This sounds very familiar to me. My ex and I were the same way. There was no mistreatment, abuse or cheating but we were constantly arguing about dumb things and larger things like the lack of affection and sex. This was the last year of our relationship. I wanted to try and fix it but he wanted out. At the time it seemed silly to me to throw almost 11 years together down the toilet without even trying to save it but in the end it really was for the best. We cared for each other but we had grown apart (got together at 19) and were no longer right for each other.

    I am so sorry you’re going through this. It hurts and it will hurt for a while. I personally would consider the relationship over. He can’t keep deserting you when the going gets tough. You can’t live your life wondering what stressor is going to cause him to bail again. Good luck bee and take care of yourself. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2121 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    mily01:  I understand, I find it easier to express myself through written communication too. He really needs to learn to talk to you, though. I really hope he decides to ago to counselling, sounds like some work on communication would work wonders for you guys – as you say it would have been better to know how he was feeling much sooner. 

    In saying all of that, you can’t put your life on hold for him. You have to draw a line somewhere, and decide whether he has crossed it yet. Good luck bee, I believe everything will work out for you, one way or another xo 

    Post # 13
    Member
    192 posts
    Blushing bee

    I wouldn’t say expressing himself through letters is a bad thing. My mother always told me if you had a heated, emotional thing to say that could potentially hurt or anger someone, it’s better to write it out so that you get your point across calmly and completely before speaking out loud. Maybe he just doesn’t want it to turn into a yelling match or another argument and he thinks you will react emotionally. However, I am not defending him or saying he is right. 

    I would consider the relationship over. You’ve been together 12 years, already broken up once for an extended amount of time, and you are taking a break from your engagement. Your engagement should be one of the happiest times of your relationship. If he wants out, let him out. You deserve to be with someone who will fight for you, not with you. I know it’s hard to hear. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you nothing but love and happiness!

    Post # 15
    Member
    836 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    My opinion: walk Away. You gave this man 12 years and he’s given you nothing but problems. What kind of a a pussy writes his gf of 12+ years a letter like that. He is no man. You’ve dodged a serious bullet. I know that it hurts now but someday you will find a guy who isn’t too much of a pussy to tell you how he feels instead of writing these juvenile letters. I wish you the best. 🙂

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