Fiance wants a prenup encouraged by his mother. Am sad and confused :(

posted 7 days ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5490 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds as if the two of you have bigger issues than a prenup.

You need to work through how you handle conflict–a good counselor can help. He needs to have some autonomy from his mother including learning to manage his own personal finances. Neither of you sounds ready to marry. 

FWIW it sounds perfectly reasonable for there to be a prenup separating the business from marital assets. 

Post # 3
Member
38 posts
Newbee

I don’t have a problem with a prenup, especially when there is a family business or extensive property or holdings.

However, I do have a problem with his reasoning and financial decisions. You need to sit down and have a major talk. One, discuss how you handle confrontation. Explain that you need time to decompress and frame it that way. Two, you need to separate finances. His personal finances should be completely separate from his mother/business. How/why does she have any say on his spending? Bizarre. He shouldn’t be hiding spending from her, and you shouldn’t be hiding spending from him. And why are you working for him? That doesn’t seem like the best idea given your financial concerns.

You both need to mature and figure out your financial future. The prenup isn’t the problem, your (you and your fiancé) financial habits are the problem.

Post # 4
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

This will continue to be a point of contention in your relationship if you get married, whether you sign the prenup or not. This financial situation is a compicated one, and frankly, I think you should have a serious discussion about the prenup and his mother policing his financial decisions BEFORE you get married. Even if he agrees to forego the prenup, do you really want a third party then policing all of YOUR financial decisions? You two are adults — you should be able to handle finances independently, and you should be able to have these serious discussions constructively. This relationship needs some reevaluating and possibly some counseling. 

Also, it was a bad idea to get a credit card simply to “keep up” with his lavish lifestyle. If you cannot afford something, do not do it. Now, you are in debt and are (according to the limited info provided in the post) dependent on him (and his mother, lol) to get you out of debt. 

Post # 5
Member
4418 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This is all kinds of no. Just, no. This is one big hot mess.

You’re blaming your decision to rack up debt on the lifestyle that he lives? You went to work starving because you couldn’t tell him that you were broke?

Where is your ownership of your responsibility in this? How would you feel if he stormed out of the house every time you argued because that’s how he “cools down”

That’s one thing he has right, that’s not a way to resolve arguments so he’s right to fear divorce because of that

I’m not even going to touch on the fact that he’s attached at the hip to his mommy, that the umbilical cord was never cut.

Walk away and learn to take responsibility for your life choices

Post # 6
Member
3809 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

A family business is a texbook example of when a prenup is useful.  I don’t understand why you have an issue with it.  Things need to be thought out in advance so his family don’t lose out from their own work if you two divorce. 

I also don’t understand how you are managing to blame him for your debt.  It sounds like he is being more than generous with you, selling his things to pay for your debt etc.

I don’t understand why his mother would be on his account, he is an adult and this needs to be addressed.  However it doesn’t sound great when you complain that his mother controls his fiances when you aren’t doing it for his benefit, you are doing it so he can pay for you.

Post # 7
Member
8825 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

This whole situation sounds like a hot mess.

I wouldn’t sign shit OR get married until he gets unmeshed from Mommy Dearest.

Living above your means to keep up with a boyfriend is ridiculous irresponsible.

A prenup to cover a family business is very typical and not anything I would be upset about. Get your own lawyer.

Post # 8
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I think prenups are prudent when partners are coming into the marriage with significant assets and/or debts. In this case, he has assets and you have debt; it doesn’t seem out of place at all to have a prenup, regardless of your current conflict resolution habits or his mother’s opinion.

So his request for a prenup alone wouldn’t give me pause, but his involvement with his mother would. “His mother controls all of his finances” – that wouldn’t sit well with me. Nor would “He told me he can do what he wants and if I’m not happy then I should marry a bus driver.” Sounds like his conflict resolution skills are not that productive either.

And if I were him, to be honest, your relevation of your “debt problem” after engagement would give me pause as well.

If your gut is telling you that you might not be ready for marriage, then that’s probably the case. It sounds like the two of you haven’t had much discussion of your financial backgrounds or plans, which is significant, given that finances are one of the main stressors in marriage. 

Post # 9
Member
3134 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think you both have a lot of growing up to do. 

Yes, it’s important to decompress during an argument so you can discuss things rationally. However, storming out of the house in a fit of rage is not OK. Getting a credit card to rack up because you cant afford to keep up with his lifestyle is incredibly immature. You should have been up front about not being able to afford things from the beginning. 

Being a grown man with a successful business is great! The fact that his mother is involved is neither here nor there. the fact that she also controls his personal finances and has to HIDE his own personal spending from her is not OK. He needs to become independent from his mother. How are you two going to handle finances once you’re married? Is dear old mommy going to handle them for the both of you and nit pick what you are spending money on? 

All in all, I dont think a prenup separating business from personal finances is a bad thing. My Fiance is taking over the family business and we will purchase it as a couple but will discuss a prenup and how that would work for the business if we ever split up. It’s not romantic or nice to think about such things, but it’s mature and logical. 

I think you two have much bigger issues to tackle than a prenup for the business and I think you have a lot of hard work to do together. I suggest a couples counselor.

Post # 10
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

The prenup in your situation seems reasonable. However, if they don’t want you to have a financial interest in the business development, then I’d be getting my own job outside the family business. If things went wrong you’d be out a job and the growth of the business that you helped to build. Having a separate career and retirement seems prudent. 

The rest of your situation is a hot mess. If you can’t afford something, don’t do it. Don’t move in with someone if you can’t afford it… explain and maybe you could have reached a compromise. 

And for heavens sake don’t marry somebody who can’t gift you his own money without mommy’s permission. 

Post # 11
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

sophierobbie :  I don’t see anything wrong with the prenup itself, but I can see why you’d be hurt based on WHY his mother suggested you two need one, and that he is just going along with it. 

In this scenario, I think the actual prenup is the least of your worries. I would not want to be married to someone who allows his mother to control him and his finances and can’t even acknowledge it even though he has to hide the fact that he buys you gifts, wtf?

Post # 12
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

sophierobbie :  

When we first dated, I couldn’t stand him paying things for me so I opened up a credit card account so I could keep up with . I was working full-time as an office manager, but his lifestyle was so expensive (flight tickets and contributing to trips he organsed, dinners, uber journeys because he’d only take ubers). Before I thought to plan to pay off my debt he asked me to move in with him, which meant more expensive rent. It reached a point where I didn’t have any money to support myself and I’d go into work starving because I was so ashamed to tell him I was in debt.

 

Here’s where it transitions from hot mess to dumpster fire. He asked me to move in with him. Ok . . . . which meant more expensive rent. No it didn’t. Paying the higher rent that was not affordable for you was 100% your choice. You had options. You could have waited longer to move in; and found a way to increase your income. Alternatively, you could have looked for a more affordable place together. He is renting, which means he is not stuck.

His relationship with his mother is not healthy and will not change. He will pack you up and send you off to go be with a bus driver before he will even consider standing up to his mommy. You have been warned.  Are you thinking this will change if you marry this guy? It will get worse.

Your SO’s idea of a solid financial plan to get you out of debt? Giving you his stuff to sell on eBay.  Both of you are in urgent need of a course in personal finance. No doubt, mommy has done her best to keep baby boy financially illiterate.

Mommy maintains iron fisted control over all of the finances. Money = power. You have neither. 

Your way of dealing with conflict needs some work, he’s right to be concerned.

It’s pointless to even talk about should you or shouldn’t you agree to a prenup. It creates the illusion that you have a choice. You don’t. It will come down to sign the prenup or no wedding. Count on it.

Post # 13
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

A prenup is logical in this situation and the least of your issues. 

His statement, “He said he believes there’s a chance we would divorce…” and  this statement, “He told me he can do what he wants and if I’m not happy then I should marry a bus driver,” indicate that you’re nowhere near ready for marriage with this man. 

Then, if you combine what he’s said with your irresponsible treatment of money in an effort to match your boyfriend’s style of living, and his helping you pay off your debt in secretive ways to keep his mom from knowing all add up to a bad situation. 

Divorce should not be a word thrown around between an engaged couple as they plan their wedding, nor should careless threats that one of the couple should go and marry someone else instead. An adult should not have to hide how he spends his money from a parent. 

Surely you can see that this won’t end well?

Post # 14
Member
1163 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

sophierobbie :  

So a few telling things:

I couldn’t stand him paying things for me so I opened up a credit card account so I could keep up with him.   MMKay…..you’re going to own how ridiculously irresponsible this decision was 100% right?  Getting into crazy debt so you can “keep up with the Mr. Jones” is complete and utter stupidity and he is completely blameless for any fallout from this decision.  Shouldn’t have even been mentioned in this post.

 He said he believes there’s a chance we would divorce because of the ways I handle our arguments. I typically storm out the house when we have massive rows because it’s my way of calming down for an hour or two.  You obviously are not paying attention.  Aside from this being a childish and ineffective way of resolving conflict, its a tactic that’s already old to him and he’s telling you he won’t tolerate the behavior for much longer.  This is a red flag for both of you really.

 “why do you care, it’s my money”  Sorry, this is 100% true.  Its irrelevant how, when or where he spends it…its his and to some extent, his mother’s.  You are bringing nothing to the table financially.  In fact you are coming in at a deficit because of your reckless choices.  He has every right to want to protect his assets, especially those that are not “marital assests”.   You are offended by the word “stealing” and understandably so but this is what you need to address not whether or not to sign a prenup.  You can let your own lawyer deal with that.

After we got engaged, I told him about my debt problem.  You let pride get in the way being upfron with him and also waited until you were engaged to tell him the truth of your financial situation and you wonder WHY he’s coming at you with a prenup?  From his point of view you are financially irresponsible and could be trapping him (that’s probably coming from his mother really….after being told of your financial sitch within that 5 hour convo) and that could come to bite him in the ass down the road.  Bee this mess is partially YOUR creation.  Why are you working for him in the first place?  Have you no sense of independence?

He told me he can do what he wants and if I’m not happy then I should marry a bus driver.  Umm, I’d want no part of him after that statement.  Its immature, elitist and downright nasty.  You don’t get to talk to me that way and I marry you…. uh, uh no way.

Simply put, you are right bee.  Neither of you are ready for marriage since neither of you know anything of the words communication or compromise.  

 

Post # 15
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

The prenup sounds reasonable in this situation.

Neither of you are ready for marriage, however.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors