(Closed) Fiance wants his "best friend" who he used to be in love with, to be in wedding

posted 4 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 2
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

There’s a lot going on with this but my first thought is that it is 100% reasonable to not want someone in your wedding party who has openly disapproved of your relationship and has gone so far as to say that your fiance could do a lot better. Especially since this is a person your fiance has had strong feelings for in the past.

Only you can know if you are really okay with it, but I have to say I am with you that it just doesn’t feel like a good idea.

Post # 3
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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simplyshort :  She doesnt like you but she’d support him proposing? How generous of her *rolls eyes*

She should be out of your wedding party and out of his life. If someone told me they didn’t like my fiancé I’d tell them to hit the bricks. 

Post # 4
Member
702 posts
Busy bee

She sounds like a nasty girl and I wouldn’t even have her at the wedding let alone even contemplate her being in the wedding party. Does your fiancé know what’s she has said to you? If he does he should think about whether he even should be friends with her!

 

im so sorry this is happening and you’re faced with this decision! 

Post # 5
Member
10217 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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simplyshort :  

Absurd.  Your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.  Why would you martyr yourself on the altar of your fi’s crush?  He shouldn’t even be asking it of you.  Knock off the Cool Girl routine and tell Fi hell no to the ‘one that got away’.

Your mistrust is misplaced. The One That Got Away isn’t your problem, your Fi is.  She owes you nothing.  It’s up to your Fi to set limits on TOTGA.  And on himself.

Which brings us to the next issue.  How are you okay with hearing that there is a ‘one that got away’?  It certainly sounds as if your fi is completely comfortable maintaining a relationship with a woman who trash talks you and did not want him to propose, saying he could ‘do better’.

He should have dumped her like radioactive waste out of respect for you.  Instead, he wants her in your wedding party.

This is absurd, Bee.

And going to bed for days, ‘completely heartbroken’ when this woman?  Not normal.  

Either he’s totally obtuse or he’s intentionally pitting you two against each other.

Post # 6
Member
822 posts
Busy bee

No, just no. I wouldn’t even have her at the wedding let alone be in the wedding party. You’re getting married, he should be putting you first, the wedding vows are ‘forsaking all others’ not ‘have an ex who was rotten to my fiance in the wedding party/photographs/album for all eternity’. She should have no part in or be attending his Batchelor party, or any wedding related events. Your fiance may have no interest in her but you don’t know what her intentions are. You need to draw the line now before she becomes a part of your marriage.

Post # 7
Member
1758 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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sassy411 :  has nailed it. Utterly ridiculous to have someone that openly doesn’t like you and bitches behind your back AT your wedding, let alone in it. 

I think your Fiance is completely out of line here. I would not tolerate this at all. 

Post # 8
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not a jealous person at all. I’m not needy and I don’t check up on my Fiance. I don’t care if he goes to strip clubs with his friends or whatever. I trust him completely and all that hoopla. I’m saying all that so you understand when I say, NOPE! I wouldn’t want her in my wedding. It’s more than she used to be someone he was in love with and view her back in the day as “The One that Got Away”, but why would you want someone who does not like you or really am completely supportive of the relationship IN YOUR WEDDING? You want the people that are there for the relationship. Plus, I believe in trusting your guts. If you feel something is off, trust it. 

And as another bee said, he shouldn’t want her in the wedding either. That’s just weird. He used to be in love with her, got his heart broken by her, TOLD YOU when you guys started she was the one that got away. And did you say she’s the best Wo(ma) in the wedding? That’s like no. She only been back in his life for a year and 3 months and now he’s back to her being his best bud enough to be a best women in the wedding? That’s also just rubs me the wrong way in my book. 

I would have shut it down the day she came back into his life. It’s one thing to be ok if they were friends when you guys first met, but if she was out of his life when you guys met then came back in, I feel like as an important part of his life, you have a little more say in him not associating with her. Because it’s understandable for him to not hang out with someone he used to be desperately in love with. But now it might be too late to tell him he can’t hang with her without causing major issues. But you really shouldn’t have her in the wedding party at all, let alone the wedding. 

My Fiance used to date his best friends. They were best friends for 6 years and were roomates before they even started dating. He always had a thing for her but was in the friend zoned. He broke out of the friend zoned and they dated and were in love. Luckily for me, she was a user and another side of her showed up once they started dating. He didn’t know that side of her before and it was a no go for him. When I had met my Fiance, the best friend/ex have been out of his life for a few months and had moved away once they broke up. She tried to come back into his life, but he shut that down. Another female friend of his told him she didn’t like me and she would let him move into her house if he broke up with me and needed a place to stay. And guess what? They’re no longer friends. I don’t dictate him who he can and can not be friends with, but if there is a female who is a threat to our relationship or does not like me, he knows what to do and if I have to ask him to not associate with the person, I would hope he also understands. 

Had the two of thema lways had a good relationship? How long were they apart before she came back into his life?

Post # 9
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

So does this lady thinks she is the “you could do better” part? I don’t know if I am getting it right but I somehow feel like she might have some kind of feelings for your FI?

But I wouldn’t want to have her in my wedding though.

Thanks.

Post # 10
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

“The one that got away” makes me think that he still thinks about it. 

Post # 11
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

She would be lucky to even get an invite.

Do NOT let her be part of your wedding party. And I’d seriously be side-eyeing Fiance. “The one that got away” and he runs to her about relationship issues? As soon as she said she thinks he can do better, he should have cut her off and not looked back. IMO.

Post # 12
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee

I actually had a male friend in a similar situation and the girl ended up being his best (wo)man! Difference being, she was 100% supportive of his relationship and adored his now wife. Yes, he had a crush on her for YEARS and everyone knew, but people can move on. So I can see how it could work. But honestly I doubt I’d even want to invite the girl in your situation! I think you’re well within your rights to stand your ground. 

Post # 13
Member
8009 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He would like her to be in the wedding party as in be a bridesmaid? Just no. 

How long ago was this adolescent crush? It’s one thing if it was two years ago, entirely another if it was ten years ago.

If you are looking for a compromise point ask her to do a reading. Or worse, guest book attendant. (I’ve never really understood this role other than a place to stick someone you really don’t want to have to deal with on your wedding day.) Or even an usher, typically a role of the groom’s choosing but not a groomsman. You won’t have to include her in dress shopping, etc. 

If you feel she really still does not support your relationship then she’s lucky to get an invitation to the wedding at all. 

Post # 14
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

So, what I am reading is, your Fiance got a crush on a female friend, she declined to date him, and he took to bed for days heartbroken, but they stayed friends. There appears to have never been any romantic or sexual incidents between the two of them, although your Fiance has made it known he would have liked for there to have been. She has also told him she doesn’t like you, you’re not good enough for him, and his response to that was to ask her to be in his wedding.

 

And your mother has objected, on the grounds that she’ll be in your wedding pictures and look prettier than you???

 

Bee, I think you have some self esteem issues, and based on what grounds your mom has listed for objecting, I think we can all guess why.

 

Well, the good news is, I doubt your fiance will ever cheat on you with this woman. She doesn’t want him. She likes the ego boost of him wanting her. At least until she gets distracted in her own relationship, she will take delight in meddling in yours. She says incredibly offensive things about you, probably not because she actually has any problem with you, but because when your fiance doesn’t defend you to her- and doesn’t get angry at her- she “wins”. This is an ego trip for her and nothing else, and your Fiance will continue to stoke her ego, it sounds like. She will be very careful not to push too far, because if you leave your fiance, then game over for her.

 

Honestly, I don’t know what you can do here. You can put your foot down and say she can’t be in the wedding, but that won’t help you with the fact that you’re marrying someone with strong feelings for someone else.

Post # 15
Member
3106 posts
Sugar bee

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sassy411 :  “Why would you martyr yourself on the altar of your fi’s crush? 

                   Brilliant.

 

 

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