(Closed) Fiance wants his "best friend" who he used to be in love with, to be in wedding

posted 4 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 16
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

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pink.lemonade :  That was what I thought the story was going to be too- a childhood crush that survived the decades and turned into a strong adult friendship. I would have no problem with that. But if anyone- male or female- openly told my fiancé they thought he could do better, they would not be attending our wedding, much less be in our wedding. 

Post # 17
Member
8499 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeah…this is one of those where I’d be like “it’s me or her”.

She openly doesn’t like you, says he can do better, but wants to be in your wedding party? That’s a big HELL NO. I wouldn’t even be comfortable with my Fiance having this person as a “friend”.

Post # 18
Member
702 posts
Busy bee

Nevermind

Post # 19
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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Beth7210 :  Where did she say that? I didn’t read anything about her being a user.

 

This is what I read:

“My fiance had a really good friend in HS, let’s call her Kristin. So obvs, they were really good friends at a very young and awkward time in their lives. So being the typical adolescent guy, he developed a crush on her. He made his feelings know, multiple times, and she broke his heart.”

 

Sounds to me like he asked her out and she said no.

 

ETA: I see you deleted your post so never mind.

Post # 20
Member
476 posts
Helper bee

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simplyshort :  Sorry you are going through this, bee. I went through something similar and I ultimately ended up deciding to leave her off of the guest list for my own peace of mind on my wedding day.

And tbh, I think your Fiance can make better friends than one that trashes you and your relationship. I would point that out to him.

Post # 21
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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simplyshort :  Hell to the no. She can be a guest and that’s being generous. Hell no to her being in the wedding party. No no no. 

Post # 22
Member
13924 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If anyone I was dating ever told me about the one who go away and that he still wonders what could have been, he’d soon be 100 % free to see for himself. So it’s hard for me to get much farther than that in your story. 

But to suspend reality for a moment, there is no way this woman would continue to be part of our lives, have a role in our wedding, or be a guest. Even if you don’t care about their history or your fiance’s admissions, she’s been blatantly disrespectful and unsupportive of your relationship. 

At a certain point I think you have to ask yourself why you are willing to be treated this way. I think your mother’s inappropriate comment comparing your appearance to hers and your reaction to it, kind of says it all. 

You deserve better. 

Post # 23
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t know TOO MANY MEN who take to their beds from heartbreak, so there’s that.

I think this a decision that rests 110% with YOU and YOUR fiancee, and your mom should be respectfully disregarded.

If you have absolute confidence in your future husband, a good long talk about ALL OF THIS might be a really good thing for you both, but of course could just make things more complicated.

Assuming that he’s aware that BF thinks and speaks very poorly of YOU, I really can’t think why he’d attempt to pull this off, and put it on you.

Truthfully, lots and LOTS of question marks here.

Post # 24
Member
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Regardless of their history I would not be ok with my Fiance if he chose to disrespect me by having someone in our wedding that didn’t even like me. Not on. 

Post # 25
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

I wouldnt allow her in the wedding party.  I would never be agreeable to someone being in my wedding party that my SO refers to as “the one who got away”.  

My SO dated someone for a couple of years.  They were only engaged for 2 weeks before things fell apart.  My SO has told me multiple times how this person “broke” him and made him become basically an alcoholic for a couple of years.  We have a son together and I see this girl that apparently broke him liking status that I post of our son and tag my SO in.  I told him that if this person apparently broke you then how come you are still friends with her on Facebook.  And he was nice enough to delete her as per request.

My point is.  He should see how uncomfortable you are with her being in the wedding and respect the fact that you dont want her in the wedding.  I can understand the relationship that he has with her but that doesnt mean she should have any role other than guest.

Post # 26
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

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simplyshort :  “the one that got away” implies, to me, at least, that anyone else who comes next is only second-best, and that if given the opportunity, they’d always go back to that “one”. this raises the following concerns:

a.) why would you be okay being his second choice?

b.) he is okay with this girl dishing out the ultimate phrase of disrespect towards you: “you could do better”

c.) the only reason he is not with her is because she REJECTED HIM–not through his own choosing. he’s essentially already told you he’d rather be with her (see point a) 

i agree with a PP saying that your mistrust is waaaaay misplaced here. this girl, although she sounds like a colossal bitch, is not in the wrong here. she owes you nothing. the man you are about to marry, however, is doing nothing to defend your honor here–he’s actually even wanting her IN THE WEDDING! Do you think that, if given the chance, he would pursue her (even after you’ve said you i-do’s)? because it seems like, at this point, she is his main priority.

Post # 27
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

If my SO had ever introduced me to someone and told me she was “the one that got away” I’d have been “the one who ran away”…so fast. Wtf. To me that implies there are some unresolved feelings there, and I would not be comfortable with that. This isn’t some childhood friend that your SO developed an innocent crush on and then they stayed friends. It sounds like he asked her out, she said no, and he has devastated (honestly? he stayed in bed for DAYS?). Of course they stayed friends, because to him that was better than nothing.

How do you know he has no interest in her? You said you know this 100%. Also a huge side eye to your SO for continuing a friendship with someone who outright said they didn’t like you and thought he could do better. Yikes. You say you don’t trust her, but you fully trust your SO who is still friends with this person and would really like to have her in his wedding party? Would she actually be the person of honor? That’s messed up. 

You need to communicate with him clearly that this isn’t ok. And he needs to get a clue that he should never have asked this of you in the first place. I’m sure you’ll still marry him, but honestly I’d question being with someone who is ok with showing me that much disrespect.

Post # 28
Member
9754 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’ve been Kristin, unfortunately, my best friend killed himself before any situations like this ever arose. So I may have a different perspective than other bees. 

It’s not her fault she only viewed him as a friend and it’s not her fault he was “heartbroken” back in the day. Unless you left something out, from What you describe it sounds like she was pretty up front about just considering him a friend all these years and I don’t even fault her for her comment about not liking you. If I didn’t like one of my friends SOs and they asked me I would probably have said the same thing, “I dislike them but support you either way.” 

I think the problem isn’t with Kristin but with your FIs unresolved feelings toward her. Had he never made comments about her being “the one that got away” and whatever else you likely wouldn’t have cared as much as you do. I think the big thing is that you need to figure out if he still feels that way deep down or if this is all history now. 

Post # 29
Member
11 posts
Newbee

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simplyshort :  you said your fiance is okay leaving her out of the wedding party — I’d take him up on that! Let him make you happy and take away any worry at the back of your mind. It doesn’t sit well with me to have her in the wedding party because of the comments she’s made about not really liking you and thinking he could do better. She doesn’t sound supportive and I don’t see any strong reason why she particularly needs to be in the wedding party. It sounds like he has worked on letting her go and should continue to do so. This also allows him the opportunity to ask a more supportive person to be in the wedding party and for him to grow closer in a healthy relationship with that person.

Whether or not she is invited to the wedding is another thing. If you feel in your gut that you’re okay with her attending maybe you can come to a compromise you and your fiance are both okay with by inviting her as a normal guest. However, based on what you have shared, I would understand if you don’t even want her as a normal guest!

Post # 30
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee

This sounds like a part of a script for a romantic comedy about the girl that got away that ends up in the wedding party (…then runs away with the groom).

Just no. Boundaries should have been established long ago.

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