(Closed) Fiance wants his "best friend" who he used to be in love with, to be in wedding

posted 4 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 76
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Nashville, TN

I know this isn’t too helpful but I wanted to share my experience. I allowed my SO’s best girlfriends daughter to be our flower girl. Now this best friend was also TOTGA and I was always jealous of their relationship. Anyways, we divorced a year later because of this friend and guess who he’s in a relationship with now? You guessed it, he finally got the girl he was truly in love with. 

Post # 77
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

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simplyshort :  in my humble opinion, when someone speaks of “the one that got away”, the timeframe doesn’t really make a difference. I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable with my SO being friends of any sort with the person he described as being that “one”. Then again, I’d have left the minute he ever used that phrase about another woman—whether they were still friends or not. 

Post # 78
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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simplyshort :  This is my situation, and may not be entirely applicable or helpful. But, thought I woul share.

My DH has a best friend that is a female friend who disapproved of our relationship (no feelings on his side, but I’m skeptical on her).  When she went off the rails about her opinions on our relationship, he stopped talking to her. He had been friends with her since high school, yet he cut her off. He stopped talking to her. It took them about 3 years to even speak (which is not abnormal for their relationship, btw). So, needless to say, she was NOT in the wedding party. He didn’t even consider asking her because of this.

I am still skeptical of her and her intentions (which I make known). My DH is slow to begin his friendship again and he is completely understanding of my strong feelings on this.

Honestly, it’s important to have a serious conversation and express your feelings, even when you know he doesn’t have feelings towards her. Trust me, that will alleviate so much. Then, let him know which decision you are most comfortable with. Based on what you say, he should honor your decisions and understand where you are coming from.

It’s important that you are both comfortable on your wedding day. If having her there makes you uncomfortable, then it’s not a good idea. But, it’s your choice.

Post # 79
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Honestly aftter reading your updates I feel like you are backpeddling now and trying to justify his/her actions..

Him wondering “what could have been” to me is just as bad as him saying “she’s the one that got away”.. why the hell is he wondering what could have been still.. 

But to me the worst part is the fact that she said shitty things about you and he kept talking to her… kept being her friend… wants to invite her to wedding and is INSISTING shes in the wedding party

Im sorry but what the fuck? you are going to walk down an aisle to a man that wants a friend there (female or not) who blatantly talked shit about you and degraded you by saying he can do better?

 

What kind of person does that to someone they are supposed to love and care about the most in this world..

I would never marry a man like that thats my 2 cent

Im sorry your going through this but you deserve someone better

Post # 80
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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slomotion :  Sad re your best friend frown that must have been such a rough time 

 

I think a number of Bees are being too harsh on Kristin, if she told OP’s fiance he could do better, it was undoubtedly based on all the shit OP’s fiance was telling her (OP admits they unloaded their relationship troubles on their respective friend). What friend wouldn’t express concern &/ or negativity hearing their friend’s biased version of the relationship drama? And this was said privately between the two of them, so add phone snooping to this shitshow. 

And hard pass to anyone who says/shows that someone other than their partner is ‘the one that got away’, wondering what could have been. How can you feel like anything other than a consolation prize when you’re clearly not your partner’s first choice? 

Post # 81
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

And p.s OP, I’m sorry but your mom’s comment is all kinds of fucked-up, why on earth would she say such a thing?!?! How awful frown

Post # 82
Member
10222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  

Very good analysis.

Not everyone can sum up a shitshow quite so artfully.

Post # 84
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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Beth7210 :  couldn’t have said this better myself! I second this 

Post # 85
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee

TLDR but no ><

Post # 86
Member
13809 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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beethree :  When OP snooped, she saw the conversations about how Kristen didn’t like OP and how she thought her fiancé could do better. I wasn’t talking about that part, deal breaker though it would be for most people to have stumbled across that news, snooping notwithstanding. 

I was referencing how he told OP when they started dating  that he had thoughts about what “might have been ” and that Kristen was ” the one that got away. OP said “it” was in the past and I was asking to clarify what “it” is and when he last had those kind of thoughts. My point was he should not be telling the woman he’s dating that sad story of his, period. Red flag. 

Post # 87
Member
13809 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I take your point that it was a private conversation based on the fact that the fiancé used to complain about the OP to Kristen. ” I also get that she admits to behaving similarly and I don’t condone the snooping. But whatever mistakes were made it’s still hard to “unknow” how this person feels about her. 

I totally agree with your second point. Hard pass on those kind of comments in a dating relationship, even if they referred to the past. 

Post # 88
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee

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simplyshort : “Since our rough patch we have been 100% solid, and he has been invested in just us. He currently does not have feelings for her.”

If this were true, this thread wouldn’t exist.
You clearly believe there’s more to it.

Post # 89
Member
8019 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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weddingmaven :  Aaaah. I misread then. 

This all seems so immature — the crush a 17 year-old high school boy had deserves to stay in the past. Her Fiance was an idiot to say what he did and ridiculous to think this woman should be part of the wedding party. 

Post # 90
Member
854 posts
Busy bee

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sunnyland :  honestly I have girlfriends who gripe about their SOs because they feel in their gut that something isn’t right, and then the minute I or any other woman starts being negative about their SO, the girl has to backtrack and defend her man instead of facing reality. It’s really common. I mostly just feel bad for girls who clearly aren’t getting what they and deserve from a relationship but are too afraid to leave a bad situation and find the right guy

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