(Closed) fiancé wants me to lose weight

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It may not be that he’s not attracted to you, more that he’s concerned for your health. My fiance and I have both put on weight since moving in together (damn his great cooking skills!), and we’re both definitely attracted to each other, but I do feel bad when I look at him and see how unhealthy he looks at times. It doesn’t help that I work out more than him, and try to encourage him to lose weight too, so I sometimes worry that he’ll end up with health problems….

Yes, your fiance may mean he’s not attracted to you anymore, but if he loves you and wants to marry you, I think it’s more likely that he’s worried about you.

Post # 4
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’ve gained 30 lbs in the last year. I’m working on losing it for me, because I want to be heathly. I was also spurred on by a complement by a co worker. ” wow your really pretty. I love bug girls, they look like real women. ” … I’m not a big girl. 

Your fi didn’t tell you that. You cornered him and instead of lie to you, he didn’t say anything. I respect that. Why ask if your gonna  be upset at the answer.Your fi still loves you, but when your unhappy with your body, how can you expect him to be happy with it? 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ocbride119:  Oh love…this hurt my heart a little :(. Now before bashing your fiance up one side and down the other, let me just ask…has your dissatisfaction with your weight caused you to act unhappy? The only reason I ask is that when you’re unhappy with yourself, and feel like there are things you can improve on, it tends to show in the way you act, and maybe the way he’s feeling isn’t so much directly because of your weight as it is because of how your weight is making you act. The only reason I even bring up that notion is because I’ve seen it. You cannot make someone else happy if you are not happy yourself. Not that you need to be skinny, because that is equally unhealthy…but maybe you want to be more fit and are frustrated, and that shows…especially to him.

Now if that is NOT the case, and he is simply drawing away because of your weight…then there is a serious issue here. What will happen when you are 8 months into carrying his child with love child curves everywhere you don’t want love child curves? Is he just going to throw you to the curb? Not okay. And you deserve more than that.

I wish you the best with this. This is a hard battle to take on. Just try to keep in mind what is important to you, what your value is, and how you can be the best possible version of yourself for YOU first…and then for anyone else. Chin up, pretty lady.

Post # 6
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yeah I totally understand the emotion you’re feeling about this.  I gained about 40 pounds over two years, lost 10 pounds to get married.  Gained that back and then a little.  Now I’ve gotten almost 30 of it off.  I have about 10 more to go.  That being said, it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to be vicious or hurtful.  And like PP said it may not have anything to do with attraction. It may be more that he wants you to be healthy and feel good.

Post # 7
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

hmm, tough situation :/ My Fiance and I have been together 4 years as well, and over that 4 years I gained about 30 lbs as well. I have since lost most of it, but I still know exactly how you are feeling when it comes to your self-esteem issues.

I think the first thing you need to do is have a talk with him about it. Since he never really said much, it might not be that he’s not attracted to you anymore..and I am SURE it does NOT mean that he doesn’t love you anymore. He might actually just be concerned about you/worried about your health?

I do know that it’s going to be impossible for you to muster up the right kind of motivation feeling like you do now. You need to lose weight for yourself..not so that you can feel attractive enough for your Fiance.

My Fiance always told me I still looked beautiful, even 30 lbs heavier. However, now that I’ve lost the weight he comments on how good I look..so that makes me wonder if he actually wasn’t AS attracted to me when I was heavier..So basically, I am saying that I think it’s kind of human nature to be more attracted to our partners when they are physically in a bit better shape. But that doesn’t mean that they are completely unattracted either, and it doesn’t mean it should be brought up.

The only time weight should be brought up is if one person in the relationship truly has concerns for the health of the other.

You really, truly just need to talk it out with him though because even if you do lose weight, if you’re anything like me, it’s always going to be in the back of your mind..wondering if he’s happy with your weight (especially after having babies as you mentioned..) just tell him how you’re feeling..

And if he seriously comes out and says that he is completely unattracted to you..I’m sorry but I would have to take a step back and take a good look at the relationship..

 

Good luck sweetie!

Someone once told me to always remember skinny does not = beautiful. You are beautiful right now, but if YOU want to lose weight for YOU, then go for it! You can do it! But don’t do it for him.

Post # 8
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yeah, it hurts to know that your weight gain has been noticed by your fiance, and more importantly, has upset him.

However, I don’t think he’s wrong to feel that way. If your partner no longer looks like the person you were first attracted to, then it’s normal to feel that way.

I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve been made to feel bad by a partner over weight gain and I’ve also been disgusted by a partner’s weight gain, so I can see your side and his.

But the fact is, you admit that you have let yourself go and you are not happy with your body. So instead of getting upset because you forced him into mentioning it and you didn’t like the answer you got, focus on how you can transition into a healthy lifestyle together. Even if he doesn’t have weight to lose, it won’t hurt him to exercise and eat healthy with you. Make it a team effort.

If he loves you, he will be supportive, but expect that you will need to communicate to him how he should do that. For example, when I try to lose weight, I ask Fiance never to offer me snacks or dessert and that if he needs to snack, he should be discreet about it. He’s also not supposed to ask me if I want seconds on dinner. If he suggests exercise and I don’t want to, his job is to talk me into it. If I suggest we exercise, he’s supposed to do it with me or, if he doesn’t have time for it that day, to tell me to go do it on my own and not wait up for him. But you’ll have to come up for things that work for you.

Post # 13
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Edelweiss:  This is an excellent reply, because it addresses human nature.

People, when looking for a mate, want a mentally, physically, and emotionally attractive partner. For men and women, that’s how it is. No one wakes up and thinks, “Wow, I’d really prefer an ugly mate with below average intelligence.” It’s in our genes to carry on the species.

But your Fiance already finds you beautiful, yes? He asked you to marry him! So first, remember that. Out of all the women in the world, this very special man picked YOU.

Second, it is very, very normal to gain weight once someone settles into a stable relationship, so please do not feel like you are slob or unworthy of love. My ex gained 60 pounds when I was with him. I gained 40. I did lose it, but it took a good 8-10 months to do it. And it’s difficult, but doable.

Now, your Fiance is a very kind and sweet man. A man that loves you is not going to tell you something hurtful about your appearance. He did the RIGHT thing: he tried to incorporate a solution that involved BOTH of you! Both of you working out, eating healthy, etc. Losing weight is much easier when you have someone backing you up, and what better partner than you’re husband?

Edelweiss had great suggestions in her post; I would take advantage of them. Pay special attention to the accountability exercises about desserts, seconds, etc. Little things really make a difference! I cut out soda, sweet tea, etc and I lost 15 lbs. Little changes bring big results! People don’t realize how many calories they drink in a day.

Also, your husband is not wrong, either. Weight issues for women are a painful topic because we constantly face criticism. Marriage is “death to us part,” but men and women also have to remember that human beings are conditional creatures, meaning that we thrive on “give and take” relationships. For instance, when a man goes out of his way to buy his lady flowers, a woman will feel more inclined to have sex (because women are more emotionally motivated when it comes to sexual activity).

The same goes for physical appearance. When one partner takes time to take care of their physical appearance, the other partner typically in turn appreciates this effort through compliments, sex, emotional closeness, etc, and very often, tries to take care of their bodies too for their partner.

However, when a partner stops taking care of themselves, sex becomes less frequent, compliments stop, etc because that “condition” of the relationship isn’t being met. Many times the other partner feels as if their partner doesn’t care to look nice for them, and it hurts their feelings. It creates a cycle of “Well, if they don’t care I won’t care about XYZ” and it perpetuates resentment eventually if not fixed. Of course this can be applied to any condition in a relationship.

Human beings, while spectacular creatures, have a very hard time of grasping the concept of “unconditional” love. We all have needs (or “conditions”) that have to be met, and one of them is, for men and women, is pride in our bodies. Your man still loves you, and will continue to, even when you are pregnant, but it good to realize when you feel like you have reached a level of unhappiness and want to fix it, because most likely it is affecting him too.

Good luck, dear.

Post # 14
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t equate him wanting you to lose a few lbs to be healthy and maybe a bit more physically attractive again with him not loving you unconditionally. I’m sure his love for you is not tied to how much you weight.  I think that should be motivation for you and you both could reap the health benefits of physical exercise. My Fiance has gained about 20 lbs and while I still find him attractive I want him to lose the weight because he is not happy at his current weight and I want him to be as healthy as he can be!

Post # 15
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am sorry that you are feeling what you are feeling and I can totally relate, when I was pregnant I had open heart surgery and was put on steroids that made me gain a ton of weight.  My now husband is a dear and caring man and never mentioned that the weight gain bothered him. After I lost most the weight he was quite pleased (I lost it for me not him) and confessed that he liked the way I look at a smaller size. Yes men have issues with women gaining weight, they may still love you but the attraction is definitely different especially if the weight gain is drastic and continues. We as women have to remember that he fell in love not only with your inner beauty but our outer beauty as well. I keep myself up and I expect him to do so as well. Now when we get older the rules may change but for now stay HOT for your man and yourself.

Post # 16
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@ocbride119:  My Fiance has gained about 30 pounds since we started dating- am I still attracted to him? Of course.  Am I AS attracted to him as I was before the weight gain? Honestly, no I’m not.  I’m a really active person, it’s important for me to be with someone who is also active and in shape.  It doesn’t mean I love him ANY less and I would never tell him he needs to lose weight, but I do hope that he’ll work out with me now that we’re in the same place together.  Don’t know if that helps or not but..

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