(Closed) fiancé wants me to lose weight

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

My FH and I decided that we have been lazy and gianed too much weight together over the last two years and with the wedding in the works, we both decided it was time for a change.  We tried walking and biking and dieting but it became obvious that we needed more to lose the weight so we recently joined a local gym.  We motivate each other to go at least 5 days a week and we even put our gym clothes in the car in the morning so we’re more likely to stop by the gym before heading home from work in the evening.

Post # 18
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My situation is opposite to yours.  My husband gain about 40 lbs since I moved in with him.  I have gain just couple pounds even after a baby.  Do I love him less?  No.  Am I attracted to him less? Maybe slightly (I’m honest here!).  However, I do want him to lose weight because of health and I also want him to set a good example to our son so he will grow up and try to have good healthy weight as much as possible.  I never put any pressure on him though.  I encourage him to lose weight but if he doesn’t, that’s okay with him but he can’t put any more weight.  I want him to be able to play and enjoy more activities with our boys when he gets older and being too overweight might prevent him from doing that.

Post # 19
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

I’d be hurt and furious. I’d also be REALLY hesitant to want to be intimate with my SO if he said something like this to me.

 

Post # 20
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@Torrid:  +1

 

I agree about conditions. And he expressed  his them in a way that didn’t come across as mean. Not easy to hear, I know. But rather than letting things slide he spoke up.

I also gained weight post meeting Fiance and just becoming more active together is actually been quite nice, walks in the evening etc.

Post # 21
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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@RedAngelDreamer:  He didn’t say anything. Even when she asked he didn’t answer because he obviously didn’t want to hurt her feelings…and this after an hour long conversation. He is only human with normal human reactions…so how could she be furious?

I’m often amazed at what people get angry about. It’s like the old question ‘Do I look fat in these pants?’. Do you REALLY want to know the TRUTH? Usually that question is asked because WE see something we don’t like and are feeling insecure…so instead we put our partners on the spot. That’s not really fair and my FH has flat out told me not to ever ask him questions like this because there is never a good answer to them…and I understand that.

That being said…Op, you recognize the issue and while it obviously isn’t something to be happy about it’s now up to you what you want to do about it. Ask your Fiance to work out with you and figure out a healthy lifestyle that works for both of you together as a couple. Good luck.

Post # 22
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Considering you both want to lose some and be fitter, start doing it together. Turn your tears and channel that hurt into working out and being strong when it comes to food.

Cook & eat healthier meals together, help each other with portion control and willpower, and get out to walk, go to the gym, download an inteval timer app and get a few heavy object and a mat or towel and work out in your backyard together, boot-camp style.

Post # 23
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I can understand the sting of hearing that 🙁 to be fair, you asked for his honest opinion.

Caring about your physical well being, staying active, and being fit are attractive qualities that most men like. He can’t help himself. I don’t think I’d want to date a guy who found me the same level of attractive when I worked hard to be in shape AND if I was lazy and gained a bunch of weight. I’d want my Fiance to encourage me to look and feel fit and beautiful. Pregnancy and health related weight gain are totally different, you have a reason outside of inactivity/laziness. If you make an active effort to stay in shape and care about your body, 99% of guys will find that sexy. He does not love you any less, of course. But it’s normal for a guy to find a girl (and vice versa) less attractive if they look different than the person they first liked so much. 

And to be honest, you should visit the doctor and find out what your healthy weight range should be. If you’re above that, sorry but your health is not “fine.” Your Fiance is probably rightfully worried about your health too 🙂

Post # 24
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@Luayne:  +1

Post # 25
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’ve struggled with body issues basically forever and my first boyfriend did a number on me saying things like I was his first ‘fat’ girlfriend and all kinds of sucky stuff. By the way, I’m not fat – I’m just not thin like he was apparently used to. Now that I’m with my Fiance, I still have lingering body image issues but he is amazing to me. Even though I’ve gained 20 pounds since meeting him, he’s never once said one single negative thing to me and has even gone so far as to say that I look more sexy now. When I say something not so great about myself he immediately tells me I’m wrong, that I’m never fat, and that I’m beautiful. However, he does say that if I do ever gain too much weight he will absolutely tell me. Honestly, I’d prefer my SO tell me before it gets out of hand than just keep quiet and internally resent my appearance.

Post # 26
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@ocbride119:  I see women complaining about thei FI’s weight gain too – I guess if women do it, it is ok for men and vice versa. But only for amounts that might affect health, not simply needing a larger size.

Post # 27
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think it says a lot about your fiance that he wants to work out and get healthy together. That shows that he loves you and supports you, and wants to stick with you every step of the way. It definitely makes it easier when both people do it together – trust me. My best friend has gained a lot of weight over the years since getting married and wants to lose it, but her husband has no interest in working out or eating right, so she just doesn’t do it. It’s hard to plan out 2 different meals each night. Since you said you are also unhappy with your weight, I would use this as motivation to start living a more healthy lifestyle, and be happy that your fiance wants to do it with you instead of saying that YOU need to lose the weight yourself. Good luck! And let me know if you need any resources because my fiance and I have committed to living a healthy lifestyle and cooking low-carb meals. I have tons of resources for you! ((hugs))

Post # 28
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

View original reply
@Torrid:  I agree with this completely.  My fiance and I have talked about this many times in the years we’ve been together. The emotional AND physical are very important to us, and mean a lot in our relationship. Not to say that while one is injured and can’t work out or when I’m eventually pregnant and not in the shape I feel comfortable in that we will be miserable, just that we have goals, we have expectations for ourselves, and we want the other to be proud to “show off” with us once in a while. I am proud of my fit fiance, it shows that he cares enough about himself and our long future together to make his health a priority along with me.

Post # 29
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

The fact that he’s acted distant toward you is a problem. I don’t get why so many people act like a partner gaining weight is a personal affront. It’s certainly not the most pleasant of things, but come on – it’s often an indicator of other stress and priorities coming into a person’s life, even depression.

He does deserve props for not pressuring you or issuing ultimatums or calling you names (which, unfortunately, is another common tactic along these lines).

There is no excuse for acting distant, however – that’s just another passive-aggressive form of punishment against you, only you had no idea what he was upset about until you asked. Were you supposed to read his mind?

His suggestions that you guys eat healthier and work out together are noble. But does he really intend to follow through with that, or is it just code for, “YOU need to work out and eat healthier?” That’s another common tactic I see, sadly. He’ll be eating beef burritos and kicking back shots while he hands you a salad.

I think a frank discussion is in order. A simple, “You’ve been acting distant towards me lately, and it upsets me that rather than being honest with me so that we can solve this, you would become distant from me. I didn’t gain weight to insult you or to hurt you. I would like to work on my weight, and I need you to be supportive with that.” Then, outline the behaviors you’d like for him to display – i.e., maybe you both go biking together, I don’t know.

Your body is going to grow and evolve over time – but there is a difference between gaining weight in a pregnancy and gaining weight as a result of excess caloric intake, which I think is the difference in perception for many people. He may well be one of the few who finds a pregnant body unattractive, or he may resort to jerk tactics after you have a baby and you’ve put on some weight.

The only thing you can really do, though, is talk to him about this and ask questions. No human body is perfect – has he put on weight since you met?

 

 

 

Post # 30
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ocbride119:  It’s not likely yet that he’s not attracted to you, but it could be that he’s worried you’re unhappy with yourself and he’s beginning to see your lack or doing anything to fix it may mean it gets worse instead of better and then he may lose his attraction towards you.

Use this as your motivation to do something about it. Make sure you are happy with yourself.

Post # 31
Member
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

The same thing happened to me a few years ago with my boyfriend (now FI) when I gained about 35 lbs after moving to another state with him.  He never said he didn’t find me attractive, or that I needed to lose weight, but I could tell things weren’t the same between us.  After losing the weight (cutting down on soda, reducing portion sizes, and NOT eating after 7:00PM), I realized that a lot of it had to to with my behavior and insecurities.  I wasn’t wearing the same outfits or wanting to do the same things.  Having extra weight can impact how you let your man love you.

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