Post # 1
So fiancé’s parents are well off and wants to pay for their side of the wedding, (all their family and friends). My parents can’t afford to contribute to the wedding and so I offered to fiancé that I can save up money and contribute to the wedding myself, but kind of assumed that since my fiancé makes significantly more money than I do, as soon as he’d hear about the situation, he would offer to chip in along side me. Instead he was shocked that my parents wouldn’t be paying and then kept saying how the bride shouldn’t have to pay, can’t I convince my parents etc. After telling him I won’t make them choose my wedding over their retirement, he was basically like “oh ok well then how much are you willing to spend on yourself I guess the budget will depend how much you think you’re worth” and then he said something like “I guess you can charge your clients more to make up for whatever you’ll spend on the wedding”.
I should also mention, I’m 23 and he’s 33 so there’s a big age difference and he’s much more well established than I am so again I was shocked that he was basically like you’re on your own.
I should also add that we don’t live together ATM and don’t share finances, but I feel like a fiancé should care more than to leave me to pay for half of the wedding myself!
Bees am I wrong for being hurt? And what should I do now?
Post # 2
Uhhhhhhh. That wouldn’t fly with me.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
What the FUCK? I don’t even know where to start on those comments. I’d honestly do some serious thinking about whether you want to marry someone that inconsiderate…if he doesn’t have an “us” mentality yet in the midst of wedding planning, I doubt he’ll ever have one.
Post # 4
Without generosity, marriage is impossible.
Post # 5
we split our finances but still use our own accounts for entertainment or going out to eat without one another.
It sounds like he comes from a place of priveledge. Him being surprised that your parents can’t pay could be explained away by him being raised in priveledge… but… dude is 33. That’s just immature at that point. You would think he would have stumbled across other people from various walks of life by that age.
Splitting finances works for some, keeping separate expenses and accounts works for others. It sounds like you two have different expectations of how expenses will be handled going forward. Explain to him that you were thinking you would be sharing expenses going forward, and ask if he feels differently.
I’m grossed out by his attitude, BUT, I don’t come from priveledge so his attitude hits a nerve I think
eta, rereading… let him have the wedding his parents can afford… by himself. Just the groom. He can marry himself.
Post # 6
Ummmm NO. He’s 33 and he expects both of your parents to equally split the wedding?? He needs to grow up.
If you’re getting married, you should be a team. My Fiance and I are splitting anything our parents haven’t offered to cover.
Post # 7
I’m a little confused. Does he just want a partnership with you after marriage? When is the timeline for marriage and moving in together? Have ya’ll discussed how you’re going to handle bills then? This is an absolute no go, for me, but without understanding more, I simply can’t grasp why he thinks this way.
Post # 8
I don’t understand this “your side” “my side” thing. This is your wedding COLLECTIVELY. And I’m sorry but his “my money” “your money” attitude would bother me. A lot.
You’re going to be married and whether you combine finances or not, your finances WILL be one and the same in the eyes of the law. Your debt will be his debt and vice versa. If you are getting married everything will end up being shared property anyway so why is it important to continue making this distinction between mine and yours up to the date?
Will he continue to make the distinction after the wedding?
This just seems like a very selfish attitude, in my opinion, especially for a union that is supposed to be UNselfish in nature.
Post # 9
I can kind of “understand” him being shocked your parents aren’t helping pay for the wedding, because he obviously comes from a place of privelidge and doesn’t know anything different. Not excusing it though.
But the fact that he didn’t start offering up alternatives (we’ll use my parents contribution as the full budget, we can both set a budget together to save up, etc), is really really concerning to me. It’s gross that he’s like “whelp, my side is all paid for so good luck paying for yours have fun!” It’s a marriage, it’s about compromise and about helping each other out. I’d have a serious discussion about your finances and plans for the future before marrying him.
Post # 10
that’s why I think he should just have his own wedding, just him and his family!
Post # 11
askthebees17 : he was basically like “oh ok well then how much are you willing to spend on yourself I guess the budget will depend how much you think you’re worth”
This guy sounds like an asshole.
ETA: Who bases someone’s worth as a human being on how much they pay for a party?
Post # 12
Your fiance sounds like a total asshole, that is a terrible mindset to go into a marriage with. He sucks, reconsider your decision to spend your life with him, this is pretty telling as to how you’ll be treated once you’re married.
Post # 13
I think the wedding would be super small then.
Post # 14
WOW… so what about the rest of your upcoming marriage? How are you splitting finances? Can you even have a mature discussion with this guy about something so important?
Let’s break this down.
I offered to fiancé that I can save up money and contribute to the wedding myself, (fair) but kind of assumed that since my fiancé makes significantly more money than I do, as soon as he’d hear about the situation, he would offer to chip in along side me. (eh, I wouldn’t assume you have access to someone’s money or that they would be a charity. Worried that your FH isn’t on your team though).
Instead he was shocked that my parents wouldn’t be paying and then kept saying how the bride shouldn’t have to pay, can’t I convince my parents etc (anti-feminist, almost misogynist and super rude given that he should have an understanding of your parents situation)
oh ok well then how much are you willing to spend on yourself I guess the budget will depend how much you think you’re worth” (LOL YOUR BUDGET IS BASED ON WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD, YOUR WORTH IS PRICELESS AND HE SHOULD SEE YOU THAT WAY)
“I guess you can charge your clients more to make up for whatever you’ll spend on the wedding”. (Ok, so we pay for an extravagant wedding with near theft and risking the loss of clients due to you bailing your competition in the vain of higher revenue).
Look Bee, you need to be in a place where you don’t need no man. I’m sensing some dependence here, based on your assumptions and the fact that you are making a case about your age and how much he makes. That is dangerous. BUT he is leaving you to hang out to dry on an otherwise team endeavor. If the ball is in your court and you still want to marry this ass, have the wedding you can afford and accept his parent’s share (even if it means they are covering half of the BBQ restaurant across the street from the courthouse).
Post # 15
I’d seriously reconsider if you want to marry someone so selfish and thoughtless. He’s 33 and well-established, yet his parents are paying for his “half” of the wedding and you’re supposed to charge your clients more to pay for your “half”? He can’t understand why your parents aren’t able to pay for a fancy wedding? And he is telling you to consider “how much you’re worth”, as though your willingness to spend money you don’t have on your wedding is determinate of your value as a person!?!
My husband and I both chipped in for our wedding roughly equally, but that’s because we both had savings, are close in age, and neither of our parents contributed substantially. Besides which, we were planning to combine finances anyway, so it didn’t matter who paid for what up front because it was all coming out of “our” future savings. If I hadn’t had money to spend on a wedding, I’m sure my husband would have been happy to pay for everything, we just would have been working on a smaller budget. Oh, and I had more guests than he did but never was I made to feel that I had to pay for my “side” — it was just OUR wedding.