Fiancé wants me to pay for my share of the wedding while his parents pay for his

posted 12 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee

This is all a bit alarming:

a) “I guess the budget will depend on how much you think you’re worth” – what kind of comment is that?
B) He thinks you can foist your wedding costs onto your clients… that’s not how business works..
C) The fact that he couldn’t even grasp that your parents couldn’t help with the wedding. It’s extremely common for people to pay for their own weddings and at 33 he should be well aware of that

This guy sounds spoiled and out of touch with reality, particularly considering his age. What are your financial plans for after marriage? I’d be concerned that this guy doesn’t actually know how to manage his money and has just let his parents take care of him until now. 

Post # 17
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I am sorry.. but why would you want to marry someone like this guy to begin with?

Post # 18
Member
5591 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

wolfeyes :  actually…. it really is pretty disgusting that he says the budget will be based on what she can afford, how much she thinks she’s worth blah blah blah

When mommy and daddy are paying for his part of the wedding. Why isn’t he using his own money?

Post # 19
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

askthebees17 :  this is so gross. 

Post # 20
Member
3579 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

What?

There is no “your half” and “his half”. There is just *your* wedding, meaning both of yours.

It’s great that his parents are able and willing to help with some of the costs, but the rest of the budget should be decided by the two of you as a team and should be paid for in whatever way makes the most financial sense. It’s fine to keep somewhat separate finances after marriage, but you should go at your financial obligations from a team mentality, and that includes your wedding.

It was weird of you to “offer” to pay for your “half”, but expect him to turn that down. But it is equally weird for him to tell you to figure out “what you think you’re worth” and figure out how to come up with that money yourself. This whole situation is weird and doesn’t sound like a healthy and open partnership..

Post # 21
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

So so many red flags.

Post # 22
Member
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

His attitude to what is supposed to be the union of both of you is disturbing. This would be a deal breaker for me (not the fact that you have to pay something, but the fact that he has essentially hung you out to dry and guilted you into feeling you have to spend what you can’t afford in the guise of it being your worth).

Post # 23
Member
2300 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m really confused by ALL of his comments.

 

1. How much you are able to save has nothing to do with how much you think you’re worth. I mean, I can’t even fathom how he thinks those two relate. The budget will depend on what you can scrape together. I’m hella confused.

 

2. No, one cannot tell his or her clients, I am going to be raising my rates because I have a wedding to plan. Fair market value determines what can be charged, not what is going on in the provider’s personal life. I don’t understand how he can be 33 and fail to grasp this.

 

3. Did his parents offer a set amount, or just half of what the total bill would be? So, if you had wanted a $20K wedding, did they offer to pay $10K regardless? Could you drop down to a $10K wedding and pay nothing out of pocket, or would they then only expect to pay $5K?

 

ETA: rereading it and everyone’s comments, is he basically saying the bride and groom should split the cost of the wedding 50/50, and since his parents are covering his share, he’s good to go? And if the OP can’t scrape together the other 50%, and isn’t willing to guilt trip her parents for more money, and the wedding plans have to be scaled back, fiance is going to whine about how they can’t have the nicer wedding because OP doesn’t think she’s “worth it”??

 

OP, on top of not sounding very generous, he also sounds immature. And unless I am missing something, not really rocking the critical thinking skills so much either.

Post # 24
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee

Sansa85 :  That’s the thing.. First of all, basing a budget on “how much you think youre worth” is not how it works. You base budgets on what you can reasonably afford. But implying that it’s about personal worth and then contributing nothing is both stupid and insulting. 

Marriages are supposed to be about becoming a team, OP. It sounds like this guy is still on his parents’ team. It also sounds like he has no understanding of finances at all. 

Post # 25
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

This is stupidest thing I heard in a while your fiance and his family are assholes.. why are you marrying into this garbage?

Post # 26
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

As PP’s have said..this is a major red flag.  If Darling Husband did this when we were engaged I would have seriously given a lot of thought to whether I want to marry him.  And this would mostly be due to the way he discussed the issue and not that he/his family aren’t offering to pay for the whole thing.  The yours and mine division of thinking is quite concerning.  Have you guys talked about how you’ll handle finances once married?  I would take a day or two to think about this and plan your discussion with him.  

Post # 27
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

zzar45 :  +1. I had an ex who was like this guy, and I’m sure he would have behaved like this if we had ever been in a similar situation. It’s partially why he’s an ex. 

Post # 28
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I would have a serious talk about how he sees finances once you’re married. Will he expect that you always pay ‘your half’ for all expenditures? If yes, are you ok with that? Is he ok that this means you might not be able to afford some things, like, expensive holidays, because you earn less than him? 

How will he expect this to work if you live together – has he certain expectations? Do they match your expectations?

What if you were to have children? Would that change the dynamic? For example, if you would do more unpaid childcare and other care work, would he acknowledge this? Or would he be treating every expense that he covers from his own money as charity to you? 

I personally wouldn’t like a marriage where money was totally separate – I very much see marriage as teamwork. However, that’s just my personal opinion – you might make it work differently. But I would at least have a conversation and talk about the question above before you get married. Then you can make an informed decision and know what you have agreed on! 

Post # 29
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Why do there have to be “shares” or “halves”…. If his parents contribution + whatever you WANT and are willing to add is your budget, that’s that and work with it! If he doesn’t get that, then… bye! I would be furious. What planet does he live on???

Post # 30
Member
2300 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

wolfeyes :  Sounds to me like fiance really thinks OP should march back to her parents and tell them that if they truly loved her, they would cash out their IRAs to pay their share of her wedding. It’s probably what Baby Boy did (or still does) whenever he wanted something.

 

And like, if OP is mature enough to not want to pressure her parents this way, not only do they not value her, she doesn’t value herself if she’s not willing to throw tantrums to squeeze more money out.

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