Fiancé wants me to pay for my share of the wedding while his parents pay for his

posted 10 months ago in Emotional
Post # 121
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Financial isolation/abuse is still abuse. Do NOT become financially dependent on this guy. 

He’s in his 30s and he doesn’t know grown adults pay for their own weddings? Yeah whatever. 

Post # 122
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I think  it’s a good sign that he took what you said into account and didn’t fight you about it. 

Life gives everyone different experiences. Someone who’s always had money and has only seen weddings done a certain way may have no idea what the weight of his comments are. 

That being said pre-marital counseling may not be a bad idea to help hammer out some of these issues

Post # 123
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Sansa85 :  that’s how gold digging works though… it’s not your money, you get no say lol. It’s fun once you get used to it!! #trophywifelife

Post # 124
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

askthebees17 :  HUGE red flag. He clearly isnt considering you. If he doesnt understand you cant afford it then this needs to be called off now.

Post # 125
Member
3284 posts
Sugar bee

I think you need to experience more of life before you marry this guy. 

Post # 127
Member
3413 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I don’t think he is necessarily a bad guy or controlling or anything else, but it is very clear that the two of you have not discussed finances in any meaningful way and that is just NOT a topic that can be left to sort itself out after the fact. You need to have these conversations long before the wedding happens. You need to be on the same page about your financial goals, how you handle finances as a team and as individuals, what happens in the event that one of you loses a job or takes time off from the workforce, etc. 

Post # 128
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

The wedding is supposed to be at least in large part about you two AS A COUPLE starting your own family unit together (as a couple, not necessarily with children). For some reason I don’t think your fiance is really thinking about the wedding (or marriage) in this way. 

Post # 129
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

sunburn :  agreed, that too. But honestly based on the OP’s initial reaction: he makes more money so i assumed he’d hear that& come to my rescue immediately & pay for the whole thing…

Yea, lol i really don’t think she is worried or cares about any of that. All the advice people are giving here will go in one ear and out the other because of the way she’ll be set up my him financially. People are easily blinded by money, especially had 23 and being a college student.

Also for everyone saying that he’s not chipping in, and that his parents are paying for 50% of it… That’s his money. In his world &  in his mind that’s his contribution. Those are his parents, not random strangers off the street. Their money is his money, thats probably the way he’s looking at it so he doesn’t NEED to contribute. Which isn’t necessarily incorrect, it’s just weird at such an old age… OP on the other hand has literally brought nothing to the table at this point. Such a strange power dynamic. Other than sex i  guess, i don’t quite understand what older men GET out of young women with nothing to show for themselves yet. It’s weird.

Post # 131
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

awholenewbee2019 :  “But honestly based on the OP’s initial reaction: he makes more money so i assumed he’d hear that& come to my rescue immediately & pay for the whole thing”

The OP didn’t say she expected him to pay for the whole thing. She said she expected him to chip in and help her pay for it, meaning the two of them would pay for it together. That’s perfectly reasonable since this is their wedding, and he hasn’t contributed any of his own money so far. I disagree that his parent’s contribution counts as his contribution. Not at age 33 it doesn’t. By the time you’re in your 30s, your parent’s finances should be separate from yours. This man has a job and earns an income, which means he has his own money from his own job. If he’s not spending any of THAT money (the money that he earned himself) on the wedding, then he’s not contributing. His parent’s money is NOT his money. He’s too old for that.

It sounds like the OP is planning to contribute to the cost of the wedding, but she has a very limited budget to work with. If the fiance and his parents are planning an extravagant wedding, she probably can’t afford to pay for 50% on her own. Which is fine, especially at such a young age. If his parents have already offered to cover 50%, then it’s reasonable for the OP and her fiance to cover the other 50% together. As in, she pays for 25% and he pays for 25%. That’s not gold digging, that’s working together as a team.

Post # 132
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

cypresstree85 :  i understand your point, but i guess i just read into her og post differently. It sounded more like she wanted him to come to the rescue & pay her share… when i said “whole thing” i meant “all of her 50%”… so essentially itd come out to where groom’s parents = 50%, Groom = 49% OP paid for like… idk her dress maybe,  if that. Very little contribution. 

If nothing else they should create the wedding around the 50% they’ve already been given and make that the total budget.

Post # 133
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

askthebees17 :  I read the update. If you two arent in premarital counseling then you need to be NOW. Whether finances are separate after marriage is highly dependent on the couple but it should be a mutual decision. If you feel finances should be joined and he’s against it then you two are NOT compatible for marriage no matter how many fun and cute dates you’ve been on. AND DO NOT be helping him pay that mortgage unless your name is on it too because in case of divorce you may end up with nothing depending on where you live. If he refuses premarital counseling or is uncooperative during it then you need to leave.

Post # 134
Member
514 posts
Busy bee

I would be calling off the wedding – what an asshole! That shows his true colours and character. I would be so angry!! Sorry bee x

Post # 135
Member
1116 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

askthebees17 :  I’m very curious. What if it was not to pay for a wedding, but to buy a house? People here seem to agree, he should pay for the wedding. How about a house? Should op still own 50% of the house if she doesn’t contribute 50%? Where are you living after getting married?

What if she’s the one with the money?

It’s always interesting to read opinions. 

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