Fiance wants me to sign a prenup and I am having doubts

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
541 posts
Busy bee

Sounds like hes really prepping himself for possible divorce. I might be different than other opinions here, but I would wonder why he cares more about the loss of money than making sure you never divorce. Something about this just doesnt sit right with me.

Post # 3
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I wouldn’t sign any prenup without my own lawyer looking at it so good you’re doing that.

i suppose I wonder what he wants from this relationship. It seems a bit like he wants you to have his kids and care for them with a salary of $15k a bit like a nanny, but doesn’t want to be a partner to you.

Post # 4
Member
2202 posts
Buzzing bee

thatlass :  I stopped reading when I saw that he proposed that you guys keep separate finances and split all costs 50/50 when he makes 3x YOUR SALARY. That is very selfish and self-serving of him. And when you do have children, your income will decrease even further. 

I understand, after seeing many experiences with prenups on the boards, that it’s  only to serve your best interest should divorce ensue; however, your SO is not operating in a way that would support a healthy marriage. I would tell him that you can split costs according to your income, let him keep the house, and save the $100k gift for an emergency (read: divorce) because from what I’ve read here, he doesn’t seem like he’d be kind at all should one occur. That being said, you also need to have your own lawyer review the document prior to signing if you proceed. You may need to negotiate the terms to make sure that this prenup can end up being mutually beneficial, because he doesn’t seem like he’s being fair at all. 

I don’t think this is a relationship-ender, but you both might want to seek some premarital counseling because his current outlook will eventually cause you to resent him to the point of no return…

 

ETA: just read the part about him playing the guitar obnoxiously loud to demonstrate how angry he was about you not signing the prenup. if this is at all a reflection of your relationship as it stands—RUN. 

Post # 5
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

This arrangement rubs me the wrong way completely. It’s like he remains whole and pays for his family on the side whereas you put your career on hold for far less than minimum wage? You’re working hard too. This would in no way fly with me. It doesn’t feel equitable. 

His reaction to your reply is absolutely childish. Feels red flaggish to me. I’d go with your gut here. 

Post # 6
Member
2230 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

thatlass :  He met with his lawyer yesterday afternoon and he told me what he wanted in the prenup. Basically, he wanted to protect his assets that would incur during our marriage. Initially he proposed we have completely separate finances – we each pay for half of the household costs and the rest is our own to keep. I have to sign away any rights to his retirement, his investments, or savings. I expressed objection as that would put me in financial risk – during the years I stay home I won’t have an income and won’t contribute to retirement, he is geographically restricted so I will have to look for jobs near his work (I already have made career decisions because of geographic restriction). He then said he would give me some money every year I stay home (he mentioned 15k a year) and that is all I get in terms of a divorce. 

 

I understand prenups make a lot of financial sense, and I am not against them on principal, but the above terms do not seem fair at all.

Post # 7
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

thatlass :  Putting aside the prenup thing for a second, this HUGELY concerns me and is a major red flag:

“Everything has been fine in our relationships – not perfect, but fine. We get along pretty well and our goals in life align with each others

When I was young I thought like this and had unhappy and miserable relationships because it. Getting along ok and having similar goals does not mean you are right for eachother at all.

Now moving onto the PRENUP… he is being an asshole and that is also a huge red flag. He has a legitimate right to discuss ways of protecting himself (and also you!!). But thats NOT what he is doing here. Hes looking to protect himself 100% and throw you a few pity bones so you’ll go along with it.

Frankly I think you need to seriously reconsider this whole relationship. I would not sign the prenup and I would not marry this man. I cant predict the future but all signs point to a lonely and unhappy marriage with a man who is potentially cold and mean spirited. He certainly wont be concerned with meeting your needs and being a good partner.

Im sorry bee, but this is not good.

Post # 8
Member
3746 posts
Sugar bee

Oh hell no. He’s dreaming if he thinks he can get you to sign something so ridiculously one sided. You need your own lawyer – not one that your fiance knows – to look the contract over with you. 

I have to say that your guy might make a good salary but he sounds like a jerk. A big honking jerk with all the jerk bells, whistles and red flags attached.

Post # 9
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee

This doesn’t sound like a person who wants to be married. It sound like someone who is more interested in the formality and handling things like a business deal. I mean how can he look at the woman that he loves and the future mother of this children, and say I will give you $15k for each year you stay at home with the kids. Meanwhile you put your career, which you also worked very hard for, on hold and forfeiting your salary. 

My opinion- sounds like he wants someone to stay at home, raise his children, and otherwise have no familial expenses beyond bare minimum. And live-in care takes definitely make more than 15K a year, adding insult to injury.

Post # 10
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

You’re soon to be a PhD graduate, you are just as educated and successful in your own right as he is, and he wants you to be a part time nanny, put your entire career on hold and not even share his income in return for your sacrifices? Nope. 

This sounds like an awful arrangement and he’s either incredibly selfish or just doesn’t value you as an equal partner. Also that guitar thing is weird, my FH is 10 years younger than yours and I can’t imagine him being so childish.. 

Post # 11
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I would not marry a man who proposed this to me. Prenup to protect prior assets, absolutely, prenup that sequesters you to poverty should you split is sick. His prenup says one thing: I own you and if you leave you’ll be ruined. Those terms are disgusting and it speaks to his character that he even proposed them. When I came up with terms for our prenup I was only looking to not be totally screwed out of everything I’d worked towards (and he hadn’t) prior to meeting. Everything you build together is joint. Here you are making all the sacrifices and supporting him in his career and he can drop you unscathed anytime he wants to trade you in but you will be royally screwed. Depending on the PhD they’re often more work than an MD, it’s not like you’ve been just chilling. Oh I am so pissed for you. He’s shown his cards, your move. And he’s made it clear you are not partners, it’s him then you

Post # 12
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I’m all for prenups. Protecting assets you own, protecting inheritance etc maybe even savings during marriage if they’re is a big income difference. I do have a problem with detailed prenups that have different scenarios on them. This is over the top and one sided. 50/50 when you have a different income? Is the 15k only if you divorce or so that your salary during marriage? Have your lawyer take a look. I thibk his reaction to alterations will.be telling.

Post # 13
Member
2202 posts
Buzzing bee

SVandy60918 :  “I own you and if you leave me, you’ll be ruined” is a PERFECT translation of what he has proposed.

OP, if you don’t take any advice here, please read this sentence over and over in your head before signing anything. 

Post # 14
Member
11771 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would not marry anyone who has the nerve to even propose a prenup like that. Though we had and wanted none, I can see protecting assets earned before marriage, a future inheritance, a family business or children from a prior relationship. Otherwise, anything accumulated after the wedding should be joint as far as I’m concerned. What’s the point of marriage if it’s not to build something together? He’s telling you that he does not value or respect your contributions as anything but a paycheck. 

This would be an extreme dealbreaker for me and his punitive display of passive aggressive behavior is just another reason why. Bluntly, he sounds like a selfish jerk. Before marriage, a relationship that you describe as “fine, not perfect” is likely code for “watch your back.”

Post # 15
Member
863 posts
Busy bee

Good for you for refusing to sign it, OP. You are smart to not agree to this. He sounds so calculating and greedy

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