Fiance wants me to sign a prenup and I am having doubts

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 151
Hostess
3768 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

pussinboots07 :  I’m in the same position as you – breadwinner, double the salary, likely to inherit a substantial inheritance.  Similarly, D.H. and I treat everything as “our” money.  We contribute more to my retirement accounts and would split them evenly if something were to happen.  We have also discussed D.H. potentially staying home with our future kid if he wanted to and if it still made the most sense since I have the more high powered career.  If he did stay home, it would still be our money.  OP, I can’t imagine ever treating D.H. like your F.I. is treating you.  The immature behavior is icing on the cake.  

Post # 152
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

Good luck with that man!!! Nothing is worse than a stingy husband or partner. 15k a year for you when you’re not working? What the actual heck? Excuse him! He’s responsible from the family, you’ll be taking care your your children AND suffer financially.

If I were you I’d say thank you very much mister, I can find better paying baby sitting jobs than that. I’d not let anyone reduce my worth like that. 

 

Post # 154
Member
843 posts
Busy bee

thatlass :  This is all incredibly encouraging, Bee! Good for you to put it all out there. At this point in time, I think you’ll still need to continue working on things, which you acknowledged.

Have you two done any premarital counseling? He says all these things now, but how do you ensure that this isn’t just hoovering to make you happy? He needs to stand by what he told you last night. 

Post # 156
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

thatlass :  it’s positive that he was willing to hear you out, acknowledge your concerns and feelings, and commit to doing better. The real test is whether he follows through on those promises and makes a more conscious effort going forward to run his ideas through a “what’s best for our TEAM” filter. 

I think you should postpone the wedding for now and it set a new date until you’ve had the chance to see real, sustained effort. And I would be adamant about going to couples counseling. 

It could very well be that he didn’t think these terms through, was just going on the advice of this lawyer, and never intended to hurt you or make you feel devalued. But that doesn’t change the fact that he did, and without understanding what led him to behaving that way, or understanding how something can appear do differently to you than to him, he doesn’t have the tools he needs to be able to do better consistently and you don’t have the tools to be able to understand him and feel secure in your relationship. 

He also needs to make a genuine effort with your friends. Not just meeting them once to say he did. 

Good luck! 

Post # 157
Member
6671 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

thatlass :  I like this update and I agree with PPs. Postpone the wedding for now and get into couples counseling. There’s obviously a lot to unpack here and you don’t want any sort of deadline (read: wedding date) for when this all needs to be figured out.

Also, it is great that he basically agreed to everything you said, but those are just words. Now he has to prove via his actions that he will follow thru.

Final thought: I do not believe him when he says his lawyer just threw out those terms and he hadn’t really thought about it at all. That was not in any way a standard prenup that a lawyer would just throw together. It was very specific and I seriously doubt his lawyer just came up with it out of thin air. That is what his client wanted, and I think your fiancé proved that point with his reaction to you not signing it. 

Post # 158
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee

I’d like to know the shyster who put those pre-nup terms out. He must be on drugs to think someone would sign that shit. I’m glad to hear of this update OP. Good for you for getting it all out in the open. And tell your Fiance that Ivy Leaguers have their moments of self-doubt too.

Post # 159
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

thatlass :  bee, I have so much respect for you. You put it all out there, didn’t beat around the bush, and made it known that you are not someone to be taken advantage of and will absolutely leave because you know your self worth and you respect yourself above all else. I’m so, so happy for you. And it’s even better that you made him realize that his selfish proposal put him within a centimeter of losing you—so he let go of his pride and dropped it.

 

While it does seem like you guys have some things to sort through, it seems like you both love and respect each other enough to have a tough conversation like this one and reach a mutually agreed upon conclusion. I think you’ve made the right decision to postpone the wedding…hopefully you can work through things with your SO and build an even stronger foundation than before.

 

I truly wish you the best moving forward, bee!!

Post # 160
Member
4989 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Although there seem to be some positives from your conversation I would be concerned about how much of this is him just saying what you want to hear.  I would be very concerned that his excuse for the prenup is that is what his lawyer put together.  I cannot imagine an actual practicing lawyer drafting that prenup, it wouldn’t be worth the paper it was written on! 

Post # 161
Member
11621 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I don’t believe him. No lawyer would have suggested those terms. He wanted to see how far he could go. Likewise the Ivy League thing is far fetched, and even if true is bizarre. 

My concern is that he’s afraid to lose you now that you’ve stood up to him and have leverage, but that the true colors will come back out after he feels secure again.

Post # 162
Member
6219 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

The biggest test will be to see what he does about the prenup. I rather doubt he will be willing to drop the issue altogether, especially given the shark-like terms he presented to you. 

Good for you for having the tough discussion, and please keep us updated. 

Post # 163
Member
784 posts
Busy bee

I think his version is credible and I am so glad you talked this through with him. You should be so proud of yourself for standing your ground! 

One area of concern I think you should be considering is if you are truly deciding things as a couple or if you are just usually agreeing with him. One possibility for his actions could be that if you are usually just giving in, he has the expectation that you will always give in and when you didn’t he reacted to that. I might have it wrong but when it comes to your career, you stated what you wanted to do, and then you just ended up doing what he wanted. I think in a normal situation it seems fine for one person to put off working to care for children for a few years, but not usually in the case of that person having put substantial money and effort into their career. 

Post # 164
Member
2955 posts
Sugar bee

I also do not believe him, and I think he is manipulating you to get you back in line. No family law attorney would throw out those terms from the outset (I am not even sure they are all enforceable). At a minimum, your fiance set the tone that led to the terms, which says a lot about him.

I hope I am wrong for your sake, but I am glad to hear you are thinking about couples therapy. Whether he agrees to go will be telling. Individual therapy may also be helpful for your thought process as you evaluate your relationship. 

And if you do proceed with the marriage, wait a few years to have kids and see how things go. He is going to be careful about showing his true self for awhile.

Post # 165
Member
4414 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

thatlass :  I’m glad you stood up for yourself but I wouldn’t believe his blame pushing towards the lawyer, hook line and sinker. A lawyer would never bother writing something like that up because they know it wouldn’t fly. He was also quick to think you sacrificing your career and earning potential for being a sahm was worth only 15k a year! 🙄 His lawyer didn’t come up with that sum or value. Your fiance did come up with that all on his own and probably gives you a good indication of his true feelings and thoughts on the situation.

I’m glad you are holding off on the wedding because he need to prove his words to you. 

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