Thanks everyone. I took some time to care for myself, doing things that make me happy, reached out to friends and family for support, and round up my thoughts.
So here is a bit update-
I put off wedding planning – cancelled bridal hair/makeup trial appointment and told my parents to hold off purchasing flight tickets for the wedding, at least for now. My parents truly are the best parents in the world. They told me they wouldn’t want me to marry someone who behaves like this, they would support me either way, and I should not to feel pressured to follow through with the wedding just because of what other people may think. My mom actually volunteered to call people if I am going to cancel the wedding. They also advised me to calm down, think about what I truly want in this marriage, and talk with him for one last time.
I spent yesterday afternoon writing my heart out, organizing my thoughts and feelings, and wrote down things I wanted to tell him. I don’t want to just walk out and throw away a three-year relationship. I wanted a proper ending.
There comes the evening. He actually was happy that I was talking to him (I haven’t really spoke to him since Tuesday) and he didn’t want to “bring up the prenup thing again.” I insisted because I needed to talk about it.
I told him I went over his proposed conditions and I don’t see any love in it. I see one person protecting himself, thinking for himself, and caring for himself. There was no thought given to us, as a team. I told him I was hurt and offended about the guitar and the grin. I told him I was offended that he never took time to meet my friends. Broke in tears, I said I couldn’t enter a marriage without love or care, I couldn’t marry someone who gains pleasure from hurting me, and I couldn’t marry him.
My words freaked him out. He said he never meant to hurt me and he wished we never even brought up prenup. He said those were conditions offered to him by his lawyer and since he just came from their meeting, he kind of just threw them out. I asked him if you brought them up, does that mean you find them acceptable. He did not answer them, kept saying those are just hypothetical and not the real terms. He then said we would just have one joint account, we would pool our money, and that will be marital assets. He also said the house will be both ours, we would split the equity, any assets purchased during the marriage would be marital assets, and my wedding gift will be mine to use in any way I like. His retirement will be shared and my name would go on his life insurance.
I then straight out asked him if he would still get married if I don’t sign any prenup. He said without hesitation that yes he would.
Regarding my friends, he said he never met them because he was embarrassed. He did not go to a great medical school and all my friends’ significant others went to Ivy League. My best friend’s husband went to MIT, my maid of honor’s husband went to Cornell etc.. I said you don’t socialize with your fiancee’s friends because you want to beat them with your degree, you go because they are my people and it is important to me. He then apologized and said he would go in the future.
With the guitar, he said he didn’t even know why he grinned. He said he was upset on Tuesday as well and he was excited to try out his new amplifier (delivered on Tuesday). I told him I would not have a husband who gains pleasure form hurting me and I would not accept it if it happens again. He agreed.
And there it is. I have to say I went in the conversation fully prepared to break up with him and move out, and the result was not at all what I expected. Going through this and reading your posts has been a wake-up call. I realized I was giving up parts of my identity for the sake of my relationship and I didn’t’ even know I was doing that. I still have a lot to think about my relationship and myself, and you guys have helped me to do that.