Fiance wants me to sign a prenup and I am having doubts

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 181
Member
6675 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

thatlass :  It’s not quite clear from your latest update…are you postponing the wedding? Have you talked to him about couples counseling? 

Post # 182
Member
790 posts
Busy bee

Ok after the last update I think one thing is clear – if you marry this man, you are marrying his father. You just got a glorious taste of the way his mind thinks, and changing this is basically him changing his personality and upbringing – it’s not gonna happen. You marry him at your peril. 

Post # 183
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

I read your update with an open mind and as unbiased as possible. But who’d believe that someone who had enough education to question world would actually be “fooled” by an attorney. I mean no, this is a lie. A very obvious one.

Regarding not meeting with friends update, it doesn’t add up as well. Your friends may exist without their significant others even if he was shy to meet their SO’s, which I doubt again. Doesn’t he ever meet with somebody socially or economically superior than him?

My other point is an inference. But if he’s embarrassed when he interacts with someone (allegidl)  better than him, doesn’t he prove himself? He splits every expense in half with you, offers you 15 k a year when taking care of the baby, etc.,;hence, making you inferior.

I may love you but I think he’s a manipulative.

Post # 184
Member
19 posts
Newbee

You’re right that he wouldn’t bring up that prenuptial agreement if he didn’t agree with the terms. 

He sounds very manipulative and the kind of person who might be vinductivi if things go wrong.

You should consider putting your wedding on hold.

The unhealthy dynamic between his parents does explain his behaviour a great deal.

Post # 185
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

I support prenups. I would def speak to a lawyer before agreeing to it but I think it’s wise to protect yourself and be willing to protect the one you love in the event of a divorce.

It’s far easier to decide what’s fair while you’re in love vs fighting about it after a divorce.

I would put an infidelity clause in it so you get money if he cheats and vice versa.

Prenups aside, there are issues much more troubling than a prenups. I’d reconsider marrying him for other reasons.

Post # 186
Member
21 posts
Newbee

Even IF that (bad childhood, negative parental influences) was a valid excuse for how he treats women and family…..and I don’t buy into that for a second, but let’s just assume it for the sake of argument…..is that really the kind of person you want to spend your life with???  I don’t care if it’s “not his fault” or otherwise, I certainly wouldn’t.  In fact, you almost make a case for cutting and running instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt…..if it’s not his fault, then it must be ingrained in him and therefore what you see is what you get.  I wouldn’t be expecting big changes from him.  

Post # 187
Member
6169 posts
Bee Keeper

thatlass :  I think growing up in this family dynamic has instilled in him a mentality that marriage is about protecting and looking out for himself. 

You know that this mentality is deeply ingrained and he is unlikely to really, truly change–even if he drops the prenup it will come out in other painful ways.

When you previously described what you would be willing to accept in a prenup you completely sold yourself short. You really, seriously, need to do some soul-searching and figure out why you would consider committing your life to someone like him, someone who never even cared to meet your friends. Do you really want this man to be the father of your children? What kind of example would he set for them? Certainly not a kind and generous example.

Post # 188
Member
2458 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I am fully in favor of prenups, but not this one. No, this is bad. Don’t marry him. 

The guitar playing and evil grin really turned me off. 

I believe in prenups for pre-marriage assets only. I am not sure a prenup such as his is even legal, especially if there are children. Don’t do it. This really shows another side to him. I wouldn’t blame you if your feelings change for him.

Post # 189
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

We are also preparing a prenup and talking to lawyers. Each of us have separate lawyers. I make lesser money at the moment. But we also have separate accounts for every thing We split expenses into half. There has a been a few times it was 60/40 inslead of 50/50. 

Neither of us are giving any spousal spupport to the other. Both of us are signing our rights to invesstments, savings etc. As far as children are concerned, lawyers are not allowed to bring child support into prenups. What we decided is who ever is out of work for 5 years or more due to children is entitled to some spousal support. 

You can get your lawyer to review the prenup to find our if he is fair. IMO, he is fair. But if you don’t like it you can negotiate the amount of money that you will be paid while staying home. You can also introduce other things to protect your assets. You may end up making more than him in the future. If he owns a business and it fails, your money should be untouched as well etc. You may end up discvering something that may make you rich, so, this is your opportunity to protect your assets and not rely on him as well. 

 

Post # 190
Member
3550 posts
Sugar bee

His parents poor behavior in no way excuses his. My parents exhibited some pretty bad behavior with each other but I don’t with my husband because I am intelligent and know that it’s WRONG. I will never excuse people for behaving poorly, I don’t care if their parents beat them with flaming coathangers. That dog won’t hunt.

Post # 191
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

thatlass :  “I think growing up in this family dynamic has instilled in him a mentality that marriage is about protecting and looking out for himself. Is it his fault that if he believes this way? No, kids watch their parents and often learn how family works from their parents.”

I beg to differ. I grew up in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household, and I certainly do my best NOT to carry that family dynamic over to my relationship with my husband. You as a clinical psychologist should know that anyone can grow up in a horrible situation through no fault of their own, but they should have the sense to recognize a messed up situation and try to do better for their relationship.

Growing up in a horrible situation is not an excuse for being a horrible person when you are a grown up. And yes, I think his father behaved horribly, and I think your fiance is behaving horribly toward you.

Post # 192
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

thatlass :  

No I would not because that prenup is completely unfair. 

This man sounds alarmingly selfish, greedy, and narcissistic. 

Your expenses should not be split 50/50 if you only earn a third of what he does. 

Your fiance is clearly a financial abuser and you should not marry him. 

Post # 193
Member
11649 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“You know that this mentality is deeply ingrained and he is unlikely to really, truly change–even if he drops the prenup it will come out in other painful ways.” beethree 

Yes, exactly! Not to mention there is not one shred of evidence that he understands why this was so offensive, no self awareness and no expression of remorse or need for personal change. It’s more like, oh, I guess she won’t fall for it. I’ll blame the lawyer. 

Post # 194
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

thatlass :  thatlass :  Physician here. I will be making 10x what my husband makes as of next year. A pre-nup never crossed my mind. What we develop as our family going forward is ours, not mine or his. We talked about this before marriage and I would have never consulted an attorney on my own because after we decided to join ourselves as one, we no longer made decisions as individuals. We did have friends who got married around the same time we did. His net worth was significantly higher than hers due to family real estate investments. They arranged a pre-nup PRIOR to engagement that he also discussed with her father that protected his assets pre-marriage. Anything he acquires going forward, which is a lot – will be split in the event of a divorce. Although that wasn’t my husband and I’s cup of tea, I can understand that idea a little bit as his friends parents worked hard for him and basically it was his “inheritance”. Without being accusatory, your fiancé went behind your back and regardless of whether it was his attorney’s or his idea – clearly it does not involve your best interest and the fact he would even suggest such a thing reflects on how he cares about you as a person and as a partner in a relationship that SHOULD be complementary.

Post # 195
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

cupcake025 :  

I don’t even think prenups are always awful because everyone has different beliefs about money, marriage, and divorce. What makes the OP’s situation terrible is her fiance wants her to sign a prenup which leaves her with nothing in the event of a divorce. He also insists that she stay home while he essentially “pays” her a low salary. The OP’s fiance also wants her to pay 50% of household expenses despite the fact that he earns three times as much as she does. 

The man is a self centered and manipulative pig. 

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