Post # 226
I’m not seeing how keeping your respective retirements helps you if you intend to take time off from your career to care for children. How is he planning on ensuring that you are properly compensated for that time off in the event he divorces you at year 9?
Don’t get me wrong, your discussions with him have come a long way from where they started, but he’s still not treating you staying home with the children as the obstacle to your earnings and career that it actually is. He needs to acknowledge the huge service and benefit you’d be providing him and your family by giving up years of potential earnings and career development.
Post # 227
llevinso : oh goodness that is exactly what I was thinking about still keeping retirement separate. 🙁
OP, he will most likely outearn you for your whole lifetime together. His retirement fund will still be a larger sum than yours. I suggest that if you do have children that you make sure you split every part of parenting equally. If your kids are sick with the flu and can’t go to school and you have to take a day off work to look after them, make sure you take turns doing so. He sounds like the type who will think his career is more important and more valuable than yours and expect you to take up his parenting slack and do more of the running around that exists with kids. Your career is more likely to be impacted than his especially if you are the one taking time out to look after the kids during their formative years.
If I remember correctly he’s a doctor? I work in health with lots of doctors and honestly so many that I work with would not be able to do their job and have a family if they did not have a supportive partner picking up their slack on the home and family front. Be realistic about whether you will be able to have the career and family life you want when married to someone whose job is generally inflexible and seems inflexible in their personality as well. Even if you outsource and have a nanny or a house keeper someone will still need to be responsible for organising the hired help and the general household running and chaos of a family.
My point with the above is to try say that your partner would not be able to have such a demanding career and a family without your support and you picking up more than your fair share of the workload in having a family. Keeping your retirement separate doesn’t seem quite so fair and equitable if you factor the points above that I have mentioned. I also think you need to be more realistic about children and splitting the workload involved and really considering what impact it will have on your career and his. You will most likely be the one who picks up the slack and supporting to an extent his career progression and success. If he wants to keep retirement separate he needs to be doing half of the child rearing and household organisation with you if you are both working…..
Post # 228
Here is the concluding update – everything except retirement account is marital property, no more than 20% of income can be put towards retirement, no party waives alimony, and the birth of our child/children make the prenup null and void. My wedding gift will be seperate property.
As for me and fiance, I think we are coming out of this stronger and closer. Our communication is better than ever. My lawyer actually told me he totally believed fiance’s lawyer came up with those terms. He called that lawyer a “slimy sneaky shark.” For example, when fiance asked his lawyer to add the term indicating our future children invalidates the prenup, the attorney plain out said refused to do it.
So here it is. To me, this episode ended on a happy note and I am satisfied with the outcome. Thank you to you all. If you are going through something similar, I am happy to provide suggestion/support.
Post # 229
Yay Bee! So happy for you that it turned out great and that you were able to put your foot down! You can be proud of yourself for not just palying along, but stand your ground and demand some respect!
Post # 230
thatlass : I guess it’s good that you are happy with how this worked out. It’s your life, and your opinion is the one that ultimately matters. Good luck, Bee!
Post # 231
You did this beautifully. It bodes well for your marriage. As someone who’s been married for over 30 years, never be afraid to voice your concerns in the strongest language possible. You teach people how to treat you.
Post # 232
So if for some reason you don’t end up having or being able to have children, and you end up divorced in 30 years, he still gets to keep 100% of his entire retirement account. He can spin it any way he wants but to me it says your real value is tied to having and raising his children. That clause would have been a nonstarter for me.
Post # 233
weddingmaven : I agree, but OP should be smart enough to know what she is worth and choose what is best for her. Rehashing the fact that we think it’s still an unfair prenup hasn’t made her change her mind over the past month, and it seems like she has decided that this is what she wants.
Post # 234
I’d be absolutely a-ok with my husband keeping his retirement in the event of a divorce. You get to keep your parent’s gift, after all – and if invested, it could be just as much as his retirement money (depending on a lot of factors).
Congratulations! I’m very happy for you both!