Post # 1
Member
6 posts
Newbee
Hello, after dating for 4 years my boyfriend (now fiancé) and I am planning to get married. However, there is something that’s been bothering me for awhile now.
Before I get into the details, I want to mention that I am not picky about the size and cost of symbolic items.
My fiancé was cheated on by his ex-fiancé, who left him with a lot of debt over mortgage and unpaid credit card bills, which ultimately broke off their relationship. Because their wedding was so close, unfortunately he had purchased her wedding ring and dress/veil.
She’s now history and I have no qualms with her, but my fiancé is excited to have her dress/veil/ring back into use.
I, however, is unsure if I could wear his ex’s choice of outfit without any regrets. My mother was never present in my life so I’m at a loss on who to talk to about this problem. I am from a rather upper class family and my father has stepped up to buy my dress and veil without having me ask him. But this still leaves me with the ring.
I understand wedding rings are expensive and because my fiancé is barely scraping by I’m afraid to ask him I’d rather not wear the ring.
There is no problem with our relationship and this isn’t a deal breaker for me. But it is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I want to resolve this without turning it into a tantrum fit.
Am I overreacting with this? I’m not really looking for comfort but I honestly have no clue about the standards of weddings. My all male family doesn’t like to talk about the personal and cosmetic side of things.
At this point I’ll be happy with a non-diamond matching set but I don’t know if diamonds are normal for the bride.
**I submitted an identical thread like twice now but because I’m on my phone I keep pressing the wrong buttons. Again, my bad! Please love me for my mistakes.
Post # 2
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Your boyfriend wants you to wear his ex’s ring and wedding dress? I’m sorry but this is weird as hell, and would get a big fat hell no from me. If he can’t afford to pay for your ring or dress, that’s completely fine, but it doesn’t mean you should be pressured to wear his ex’s things! I think there are very few women who would feel comfortable wearing their partner’s ex’s wedding ring, let alone her wedding dress, and the fact that your fi expects you to do this is nothing short of bizarre.
I would just tell him you’re not comfortable with it and will either go ring-less or purchase a new ring you can afford. I recently bought a stand-in 10k rose gold wedding band on Amazon for $50…it’s lovely. You don’t have to spend a fortune on this stuff if you dont’ want to.
Post # 3
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
I think you’re perfectly entitled say this isn’t what you want for your wedding. Tell your fiancé that your dad wants to buy you a dress and you want to find something that is “you” and in terms of the ring just tell him you don’t want the symbol of your marriage to have come from a broken marriage.
How much of a problem this will be will depend on his reaction, although I can’t believe he is so socially unaware that he thinks this is a normal request.
Post # 4
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
Heck no. I’d rather have a simple metal band than another girl’s dress and ring. It’s like sloppy seconds.
I would sell the dress and have him use some of that to buy you a simple new setting for the diamond. Or buy a cheap cubic zirconia ring and upgrade later.
As for the ring, sell the band for the metal and repurpose the diamond one day into a necklace. Or take the diamond and put it into a simple new setting if you really aren’t sentimental.
But it would seriously bother me that she got to choose everything and he managed to afford it for her, but you don’t get any choice on anything of your own.
Would you make him wear an ex’s baseball cap for the rest of his life?
Post # 5
Member
5643 posts
Bee Keeper
I’m sorry but that’s a fuck no on both the ring and the dress. And I’m not rich. He needs to sell that thing (the ring). I would want a new ring. You can find really nice ones at a lower price. And if you’re not set on a diamond, the options are endless.
The dress would be super offensive to me. Like what the hell is he thinking?! I would actually be pissed off at this suggestion. It shows a lack of thought on his part. He needs to sell that thing too.
Post # 7
Member
2717 posts
Sugar bee
level01fiance : lol… like WHAT?! How can someone be that dense. That cannot possibly be an actual request from him. “Hey babe I bought this for my ex but she gone… now you get to wear it”. The ring too. Absolutely not. Say no. Easy as that. “I want to have something that’s for us not from your past”. I’m really side eyeing your Fiance right now. It’s just too ridiculous.
Post # 8
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee
Him wanting you to wear his ex’s dress, veil, and ring? That’s creepy “Rebecca” territory.
Sounds like the dress/veil is no longer an issue, thanks to your dad.
Would trading the ring in for a different one (perhaps through an estate jeweler) be something he would be open to?
Post # 10
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
Lol, my husband is PURE LOGIC and so he said to me “Hey, want me to save some cash and just wear my wedding ring from last time?” and I was like yeah, no, I don’t want that and don’t do it” and he said ok and that was that. So it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that your fiance suggested it and didn’t mean anything weird by it, IMO.
Just tell him no, that you don’t want to do that. You can suggest he use the ring to offset the cost of yours if you want since he’s on a budget — but just be honest with him that this isn’t something you want to do. No worries!
Post # 11
Member
8381 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Sell the dress and rings and use the money to buy yourself a new ring.
yes, diamonds have crap resale value, but it would be yours. You can also use the diamond but buy a new setting.
Post # 12
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
That’s a big HEEEEEECK no from me. He should sell the dress and veil at least. If the ex’s ring has a diamond, you could reset it into a new setting using the money from the dress and veil. If you’re against using any part of the ring, then sell the whole thing and consider a non-diamond alternative.
Post # 13
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
Dearest Bee, this is beyond weird. It sounds to me like your future husband has some serious baggage to let go of (and I’m not talking about his debts). Look, I get it. He was “wronged” by his ex and is still suffereing the (financial) consequences. BUT- why should YOU? Whatever happened between him and his ex is in the past and shouldn’t have an impact on you. Hence, you need/deserve a new dress and a new ring.
He should have sold that ring ages ago. He could have sold the dress, too (at minimum, donate it) and recover some of the money that way. The truth is that he’s screwed up either way because the value of his ex’s dress/ring will not cover the mortgage and other debts he acquired while being with her, so the fact that he’s still holding on to it all tells me he’s not completely over the trauma of the breakup (sorry!). This is not me implying he’s not over her though. I’m sure he is- he just needs to let go of evertthing else, too.
Good luck, Bee!
Post # 14
Member
6 posts
Newbee
Thank you all so much for the replies. I didn’t expect such a polarized concensus although I suppose I always knew it was weird.
I’m just going to be honest with my fiance because perhaps this should be common sense for the both of us. I’ll take all of your resale advices to heart and thanks again.
