Post # 16
This. This exactly right.
Be proactive, Bee. Let him know that if you don’t hear otherwise from him within 24-48 (whichever makes you comfortable), you will go ahead and cancel the wedding. Absolutely do not give him more than 48 hours to respond.
That is already quite generous. No recriminations, castigations, or pleading. Give him this one opportunity to explain himself.
And then, that’s it. If he doesn’t leap to respond with a completely plausible, really huge explanation, eg I was walking down the street when an air conditioner fell out of a window and onto my head. I’m okay, but it gave me this really weird kind of amnesia for a few days. Who are you, again?
The PPs are right, even if he still wants to go through with the wedding, do you want to put up with this for the rest of your days? This is not how grownups handle stress and conflict. What will he do when you have children and something bothers him? Will he ghost them, too?
When adults feel the need for space, they deal with it like adults. “Hey, babe. I had a really crappy day at work. I’m not ready to talk about it yet. I’m going to (go upstairs, take the dog for a walk, go to the gym, ride my motorcycle, play some golf, go hang out at my friend’s house, binge watch Full House, write a novel, . . . “, you get the idea.
Post # 17
Even if they never have kids, this is a poor foundation for a relationship. I never intend to have children, but would never put up with this lack of communication.
Post # 18
Yikes, bee. I’m really sorry about all of this. I think he’s met someone else and is struggling with whether or not she is worth throwing your relationship away for. He does really need to give you some kind of explanation. The fact that he thinks he can blindside you this way without providing any reasoning is ridiculous. I hope it all works itself out. Please keep us updated.
Post # 19
Two points other people made that are spot on
1) this is behavior that is going to continue if not corrected. So it needs to be addressed asap. The rammifications of this behavior are not good. What if your kid is sick and he can’t deal and needs space?
I just had a girlfriend of mine whose boyfriend just up and left her one day with no warning because he couldn’t handle the stress in his life, and the stress of actually having to work through his own issues. He basically left her because she is a strong woman who when a guy at a restaurant is rude to her, speaks up for herself. He has problems with confrontation and couldn’t handle her handing these kinds of situations when he refused to handle them himself. So dont think this habit of him running is a small issue.
2) You should both get into a couples counceling session ASAP. You need to find out what this issue is, where it is coming from, and get an answer on if it is fixable before you get married. Don’t talk to your priest, this needs a knowledgeable therapist who can get to the bottom of the issue.
Post # 20
The great Maya Angelou once said when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I would not give him a time frame to respect me. The wedding would be cancelled. No one gets to tell me when I deserve respect. You don’t want that type of “love”. That is not love. I turned 40 this year. I also was married this year, first marriage. I have had my share of men who told me in a hundred ways, “I don’t love you” and I chose to ignore it. I suffered too. So did my child. Learn from the women who have been there. Women like me, who have been there, honest women. I man who loves you and wants to see you happy would not do this. This is abuse.
There is a love for you. But, first you must love yourself enough to open that door.
Post # 21
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
He may very well just be getting cold feet or have anxieties of his own. If this is not a normal thing, then I might suggest just riding it out (which I understand is the hardest thing ever). It’s pretty crap that he can’t just say what’s bothering him, but marriage is a big step for both parties. My advice would be to just stay positive and think about all the reasons why you do trust him enough to marry him. I know it’s hard, but don’t jump to catastrophe just yet without some solid evidence. I think a lot of guys go through a bit of a “whoa nelly, this is real” kind of phase and they might temporarily freak out a bit.
Post # 23
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. You deserve an explanation.
Post # 24
Thank you guys for all of your replies. I took the advice of most people and set a deadline, and he finally replied. He said he’s overwhelmed about everything: the wedding, his family, his job (his company just announced they are closing the power plant that he works for in 2 years), and he feels that we’ve grown too far apart being long distance the past year. Essentially, he feels like he is taking a big risk by marrying me, because he’s not sure he really knows who I am anymore because of this distance. Needless to say I’m hurt, especially after 5 years together, but I’m relieved to at least have a clear answer. I told him that whatever happens we need to talk in person, so one of us is going to be flying to see the other this weekend. Meanwhile, I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst because there are evidently some serious issues here, but I’m also trying to keep an open mind and remember my commitment. I will update everyone after that conversation..
Post # 25
I am very sorry, Bee. It sounds like it’s time to pull the plug on the wedding.
Post # 26
“…he feels like he is taking a big risk by marrying me…”
OP if he feels this way before the marriage, is it really something you want to move forward with? I’m so sorry about this, but the silver lining is that he is showing you his true colours BEFORE you enter into a serious emotional and legal commitment.
Post # 27
Good luck with the weekend girl! You’ve got this!
Post # 28
I’m sorry, but what he’s not telling you is that he’s met someone else.
Post # 29
It sounds like either way, this is a wedding that needs to postponed at a minimum. If you are only three months out, this is not the sort of thing that will suddenly resolve itself. It doesn’t necessarily mean you break up, but you should not build a Marriage on such a rocky foundation.
To that end, while honorable you want to work through it and i don’t believe in bailing just because something is hard, when you talk about the commitment you have made…You also need to remember your first commitment should be to yourself – to have honor and respect for yourself and have someone who wants the same things you want. You have not taken vows to him, there is nothing tying you to him legally. I’m not saying it is to that point yet – you need to talk first – but make sure you don’t anchor yourself to someone who isn’t as fully committed to you as you are him just because you take your commitment to him more seriously than you take your commitment to yourself.
Post # 30
He might be having relationship anxiety. If he has pushed away dealing with any of the more challenging feelings of grief and fear during the engagement, he may be feeling them now and feel guilty. But it’s normal to have difficult feelings come up before a huge transition like marriage. He has to let go of the person he was, the life he had, deal with the fact that his relationships with his family members will be changing, fear of the unknown and of getting hurt. (Of course I’m sure you have some of the same feelings. Some people are more sensitive to them, and if they don’t accept their emotions or do any work/introspection around them, it can come out as depression, anxiety, or pushing people away because of fear).
I would look up Sheryl Paul’s work. She has a great blog and she offers a course called Break Free from Relationship Anxiety that cold help. Hopefully he can open up to you and be honest about what is really going on. I hope that it is “just” relationship anxiety because if so that’s something he can definitely work on if he tries.
Best of of luck to you both.