(Closed) Fiance wants to attend his friend's wedding alone

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 166
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

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katyalanalove:  wow, wtf? And you felt the need to post what your chauvinistic and manipulative Fiance said? Girl, please. Way to put someone down when they’re already upset. 

 

Post # 167
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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katyalanalove:  wow wow wow.

So here’s my way of trying to help you out. Remember that

1. Women are not objects.

2. We are not made for fe/male approval, looks or desirability.

3. Our level of “desirability” (this includes but is not limited to youth, weight, height, bra size, measurements, bank accounts, number of degrees, basically any number really) does not dictate worthiness. Worthiness of loving and being loved, being out in the world, having opinions, etc.

4. Our bodies are our own. The decisions we make for/with/to them are our own.

5. Women are whole BEINGS. We are not just ROLES (daughters, sisters, fiancées, wives, mothers, employers, employees, etc.). We are not just added on decorations for men to “show off” due to our mental or physical characteristics.  We think, feel, perceive, work, don’t work, choose, decide, live and breathe in our own right. 

6. The pinnacle of female fate or destiny is NOT to simply be someone’s wife/mother. 

I’ve read your posts and your replies to other women on this site and I could make a lot of deductions from where you’re probably from and who you seem to be but it would be the equivalent of the fat shaming (btw the OP is far from fat, but even if she were, to imply that her worthiness of being incorporated into a social circle is contingent on her weight is so insulting to our entire gender…I can’t even…) you engaged in today with this OP. It would be “ignorance shaming.” I truly believe that you think the way you think because you don’t know any better YET.

Im gonna stop there because it’s just sad that that’s how you Katyana perceive yourself in the world and how you don’t realize that that’s what you reveal when you write the things you write. I wish you’d see your true VALUE and your potential contributions to yourself, your immediate circle and the world at large. 

Sorry to thread jack OP. 

 

Post # 168
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

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ladykatie82:  OP, I think it’s really great that you talked to him and explained what you’re expectations are and that you will not accept otherwise. 

I do find it concerning that he’s sort of ashamed of your career (from what I’ve gathered in your update). That wouldn’t sit well with me. I’d want my Fiance to introduce me to other people without any hesitation.  

So here’s my question..is he going to invite them to your wedding? 

Post # 169
Member
11359 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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katyalanalove:  you have firmly established your FI’s misogyny and issues. There is no need to force his silliness on random innocents. 

Post # 170
Member
14164 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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ladykatie82:  Your update begs the question of whether this sister is in that group of friends and is going to be invited to the wedding in question?

TBH, I would have pretty much lost it when he said the bit about all the SOs being “cosmopolitan” in direct association  with him not wanting you there!  WTH?  You handled the whole conversation very well, but I would have definitely emphasized how offensive this is. 

The drunken plans are a huge issue, especially in light of his recently revealed history of getting blackout drunk to the point of not remembering if he had sex. Which I don’t fully believe, either. 

Regardless of what he tells you at home or in counseling, please trust your own instincts. “I’m not sure” is a very good reason to postpone or cancel a wedding.

Post # 171
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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ladykatie82:  I am glad that you got to express to your Fiance exactly what was on your mind. However, you said it should take him a while to process…..but it should not. He should have interrupted you to reassure you that you were reading too much into it, etc. He basically let you go on and on and said nothing of real merit to defend himself. What he should have done was make it clear that you are the love of his life and that he was an asshole…and would be proud to have you on his arm at the wedding. In all honesty, the update makes things appear a little worse to me. I wish you well and hope counselling sheds some more light. You should not even have to think for one second that your man is not proud to be with you…or that your man still has a foot in the door of some of his old single guy ways.

Post # 172
Member
852 posts
Busy bee

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katyalanalove:  Your Fiance likes to introduce you to people? I’m assuming that’s after the plastic surgery re-modelling then.

Post # 173
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think you’ve done a great job talking about your feelings and making your boundaries clear with your fiancé, so bravo! But it is not good that he hemmed and hawed instead of giving you a clear answer and you are still waiting for one. In a way, by NOT immediately saying, “Babe I was crazy, of course I want you there, and of course I choose you over a lifetime of nights of sporadic blackout drunkenness!” he HAS given you his answer… which is that whether or not he will actually choose blackout drinking over you, your initial fears weren’t just a misunderstanding and he is seriously having a hard time choosing between these two things, which is worrying!

I know every relationship is different, but my FI/now-hub was always so eager to bring me to any event where his friends and family would be in attendance, both to ‘show me off’ (or at least show off that he was no longer single, haha) and show off to me how cool and funny his friends and family are.

I think every person deserves a partner who acts like this. I don’t think you should be worrying before your wedding that your future husband might be ashamed of you, or might view you more as a hinderance to having a good time instead of as someone who makes a good time BETTER.

I would put all wedding-related things on hold for a few months and go to counseling with him. No more suit-measurements until you guys get this straightened out one way or another.

Post # 175
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Winery

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katyalanalove:  Seeing your posts on the Bee sends me into conniptions. Your FH sounds like an ass and you are a doormat. Maybe it’s a cultural difference (I seem to remember you’re a 90 day fiancée) but you have no social filter. Don’t project your issues onto other people who are legitimately seeking advice on here. 

Post # 177
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee

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katyalanalove:   you have serious mental health issues , you probably should get some help so you can finally leave your POS fiancé.

Do everyone a favor on here and read posts but do not under any circumstances comment NO ONE needs advice from someone like you

Post # 178
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee

I’m gonna play devil’s advocate a *little* here, it sounds like your fixated on the drunkenness aspect a lot. Like you don’t want to be with someone who will do things like go to weddings and get drunk. Which is totally fine, I understand that. But, speaking as someone who likes to drink while my FH doesn’t, maybe he didn’t want you there because he wants to drink with his friends without you getting angry with him? That’s something my FH would do, so I would understand not really wanting to bring him to a wedding with a bunch of my old sorority sisters for example. 

 

That being said, if that’s the reason, you shouldn’t have to pry that out of him. So either y’all have had issues with this in the past and he is embarrassed/unwilling to admit he just wants to drink sans-judgement, or it’s a totally different reason and it’s probably fishy. I think I vote fishy.. 

Post # 180
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - country club

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katyalanalove:  Wow! WTF is wrong with you?! so your Fiance says something as rude as this and you go ahead and repeat it forward? You are both rude and I bet you’re NOT as hot as you think you are.

Geez! 

 

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