(Closed) Fiance wants to attend his friend's wedding alone

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 196
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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ladykatie82:  the more you say about this situation, the more I want you to run away from him.  You’re not going to listen to me and I wouldn’t either.  I get where you are at and how you feel because I’ve been there. 

I’m writing this to the future you: one day you’ll have enough if his excuses and backtracking.  When you to that point, I hope you realize that it’s not you.  It’s him.  He’s an asshole.  That’s a completely unbiased view from an internet stranger.  

Post # 198
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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Karenina:  the OP wrote another post about how her fiance did an about face as soon as they got engaged.  He distanced himself from her.  That’s telling in and of itself

I agree that couples can go to weddings alone.  That’s not the issue.  The issue is that he is making her feel bad again and again.  He tells her the other SOs are “cosmopolitan.”  As a woman who grew up in a ritzy Manhattan family, I laugh when I hear that term used for anyone from Alabama.  It’s obnoxious to tell your fiance that she’s not “cosmopolitan” enough for a freaking news anchor.  The problem is he’s hurting her, rather than trying to shield her from hurt.

He has made her feel unwelcome.  He has made her doubt herself.  It’s not her.  It’s him.  All of the people who are saying that she’s making a mountain out of a molehill, would hate to be diminished in the same manner by their SOs.  There’s a major difference between not wanting to go to a dumb wedding where you don’t know anyone and having your fiance tell you that you wouldn’t fit in/like it.  Furthermore, one month before he gets married, the last thing he should be thinking about is how she’ll fit in with his old friends.  He should be dying to show her off.  The guy is lower than an amoebo on a piece of shit.

Post # 199
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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ladykatie82:  My heart is breaking for you (and me).  I made the very difficult decision to end my engagement just two months before the wedding.  The invitations were already out.  As sad as I am to be single, I am relieved to be out of that situaiton.  Seriously, my fiance did the exact same thing in terms of the wedding (and the post-emgagment about face.)  Except it was slightly reversed, he told me I was to “chi chi” to hang out with his friends at a wedding.  He told me I woudn’t be able to deal with their “backwards, country” ways.  Um, okay.   

I’ve been seeing a therapist who explained that my ex was a narcissistic personality disordered person (“NPD”).  It’s opened my eyes so much.  If you get a chance, please read up on cluster B personality disorders.  It helped me out a lot. 

Best wishes to you!

Post # 201
Member
12 posts
Newbee

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ladykatie82:  I trust my fiance but if he didn’t want me to attend his friend’s wedding I would be pretty upset. Why is it okay that his friends are taking their significant others but he cant take you? It just seems a little odd to me.

Post # 202
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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ladykatie82:  my ex reacted the same way to other narcissists in my life.  It wasn’t my family, but I had a few friends who were.  I’ve always known that about them, but never cared before because they were “fun.”  I’ve cut all of them out of my life since I started seeing me therapist.

Sadly, if you have a narcissist father, you are more likely to go for a narcissist because it’s what’s familiar.  Please find the time and money to see a qualified psychologist.  It will help you develop stronger boundaries.  I cannot begin to tell you how helpful it’s been for me.

I now realize that I gave in a lot because I wanted to keep the peace.  When you’re with a mentally healthy person, he won’t put you in that situation.

I feel for you.  I really do.  I have kept up with this post since the beginning because what you’re going through is exactly what I went through.  I started to think that I was too sensitive, etc.  Nope.  I just needed stronger boundaries.  Sadly, I suspect you do, too.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Profile Photo Annonnie89.
Post # 203
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

 

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ladykatie82:  Also, he did say that he loves to make me happy and to do stuff with me, but he was afraid I would become unappreciative of him and would start demanding more and more from him and it would never be enough and instead of being fun for him to do that stuff, it would become a chore and he would start wanting to resist.

Umm… does anyone else find this disturbing? And the fact that OP is ok with it and understands? Wanting to make someone else happy, especially your partner in life, should never become a chore. Yes, some people can become less appreciative over the years but he’s already thinking that way? And so he plans to only make you happy periodically so you won’t start demanding him to make you happy more often? That is just so twisted on so many levels.

Furthermore, he wanted to include a wedding as part of his bachelor weekend. Does that honestly make sense to you? And his “ego” got in the way of inviting his fiance to a friend’s wedding?

He’s making excuses for his shitty behavior and you’re letting him be a jerk. Run.

 

Post # 204
Member
536 posts
Busy bee

 

ladykatie82:  It sounds like there is 100% an agenda on why he doesn’t want you there. I don’t think he is being truthful to you and is giving you a sappy excuse. I’d be careful.

Post # 205
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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ChrissyMary9515:  

Yes, I caught that too.  Quite revealing.  Heaven forbid she start expecting him to do things that make her happy.  

I think we have a consensus here that this guy is bad news.  I second the idea of the OP seeing a counselor/therapist.  It sounds as if she may be stuck in an unhealthy pattern because of her father.  That may be what makes her bf’s atrocious behavior seem ok.

Post # 206
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

OP, I get a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach the more you update. I do not trust this guy. But I fear this may be something you have to discover on your own. Best wishes OP.

Post # 207
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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imanibee:  Honestly for OP sake I really do hope that it was all a misunderstanding and he is really a good guy who just made a bonehead move –they all do at some point!! 

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ladykatie82:  Your sensors are up just keep watching and listening and trust your gut 🙂

Post # 208
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee

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ladykatie82:  Only read first post, but I would 100% be going to this to see for myself why he would think I shouldn’t have gone. Then serisouly think about why this person would have asked you not to come… so odd…

Post # 209
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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ladykatie82:  You’ve obviously recieved quite a few replies.  I’ve read your original post- and then the long update when he took you to a rest. and told you about his buddies cosmopolitan girls.

 

Here’s where I stand:  it doesn’t matter that you’re not legally married yet- you’re about to be.  There’s not a reason on the planet that he shouldn’t want to take you to that wedding- not ONE.

Even if you’re not in the “perfect” career path– what if you NEVER are?  Then what?  Is he just going to leave you at home for all social events?

I think there is a time and a place for dudes to do thier thing(my husband just went out with the guys on Saturday night)f- and a wedding isn’t one of them (especially when all of those other guys are bringing thier chicas).

If he wants to be married to you, he should be proud of you- even if you’re jobless.  End of story.  You can always want something better for your significant other, but to be embarrassed of them is ridiculous.  And even if that’s not what he’s claiming- it’s how he’s acting.

It doesn’t matter what justification he’s trying to come up with for not bringing you along– unless you simply don’t want to attend (and that’s OK, too- weddings aren’t my favorite, especially when I don’t know the couple well)– he should be bringing you.  It’s as simple as that.  It requires no further thought.

Post # 210
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This gets worse the more you talk to him. 

He didn’t want you there. Period. The more he blathers on about why, its painfully obvious that he’s just in damage control mode and of everything he’s said.. You’ve not even gotten to the real issue yet.

It should’ve been your decision whether or not you wanted to go but, he decided he didn’t want you there and left you out. Find someone who wants to include you in their life, this guy just sounds like a major stressor.

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