(Closed) Fiance wants to attend his friend's wedding alone

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 211
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

FWIW, I read this to my husband and his reaction was along the lines of:

“This poor dude just had a stupid moment, that he should apologize for, but he probably just thought she wouldn’t enjoy herself and thought he was doing something nice for her, especially if their wedding is coming up and she’s stressed.  Now he’s panicking and floundering and wondering what he did wrong and how he can fix it, and everything he says seems to get thrown back in his face.”

Post # 212
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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brew_bee:  nothing irks me more on these boards than when a woman says that she read the post to her male SO and ” he thinks” blank.  Men are not authorities on how other men think.  Your husband’s opinion is no more valid than anyone else’s.  The vast majority of people who have kept up with this post think that the OP is engaged to an asshole.

Furthermore, you would probably pussy whip your husband to death if he had the nerve to say you weren’t successful or “cosmopolitan” enough to hang out with his frat bros’ wives and girlfriends.  That’s not “floundering,” that’s abuse.

Post # 214
Member
552 posts
Busy bee

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ladykatie82:  you really must go to this wedding …if you are still considering a future with this guy…like a pp said you have not even gotten to the real issue of it yet!!!!.//best of luck hun..

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by  K.bee.
Post # 215
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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ladykatie82:  the thing is, he could have simply said that he didn’t think you would have a good time since you wouldn’t know anyone.  (That is potential dumb boy material.)

Instead, he told you that these women were cosmopolitan and put together.  Can you not see the manipulation?  

He made you doubt yourself.  I’ll bet money that he will end up going to that wedding alone one way or another.  Or that he’ll make you wish you hadn’t gone.  If you haven’t seen the movie, please watch the Godfather. There’s a great scene where a husband drives his wife Connie crazy.  From her end, she catches him in a lie, but it’s all part of a bigger, well thought plan on his end.

Please be careful.

 

Post # 216
Member
2345 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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ladykatie82:  I really don’t agree with those Bees who see this as a hanging offence. It was a bit clueless of him but I see no reason to assume he had hidden motives. 

When you are out with him, do you think that if you’re tired or done then he should be done and call it a night too? If I am at my FI’s work events or out with people he knows better than me, I make an effort and feign enjoyment even if I’m not having a ball and I know he’d do the same for me in the reverse situation. 

I’m not assuming that you don’t do likewise, but if he feels that he will have to “look after” you and that you might not be as into it as him and have a face on and want him to have an early night in sympathy, then I can see why he might prefer to go alone and let his hair down. 

Anyway, I certainly don’t think it’s ground poor dumping the poor man like some bees. I hope you’re not too worried or upset. He sounds like a nice guy to me from what you’ve written. 

Amidst all the wedding glitter, we have to remember that we are not princesses and they are not princes, we are complex adults bringing our own previous experiences and our expectations to the table that have to be negotiated in give and take. The whole “If he loves me I should’t have to tell him x or y and he should just want me to be happy -ie anticipate all my preferences and go along with them” is deeply unhelpful. it sounds like now he knows your views and feelings he is respecting them. 

I hope you like his friends, it sounds like a great opportunity to get to know them before your own wedding!

Post # 217
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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Annonnie89:  I did preface my statement with “for what it’s worth”.  It’s obviously not worth anything to you, and that’s ok.  I wanted to give an alternate point of view based on my interpretation of this situation.  I did not understand her explanation of events to be that her Fiance thought that she wasn’t successful enough, but that he was trying to make the other SOs that would be in attendence sound more interesting so she would want to go and wouldn’t have such a negative opinion of it (since he is wanting her to go with him…correct?)

I agree that my husband’s opinion isn’t more valid than anyone else’s, and that’s the point of a forum like this.  All opinions are on the table, just like yours is.  I can very honestly say that I don’t know what exactly it means to “pussy whip” someone to death.

But for many bees to immediately jump to “call the wedding off!” over THIS, is, in my opinion (which I know is not very valid) completely ridiculous.

Post # 218
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

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Annonnie89:  How about you take it down a notch?  
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brew_bee:  Never said that her husband’s opinion was more valid – it was just a man’s opinion that she added to the discussion.

You don’t have to put her down over it.   

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by  gingerminty.
Post # 219
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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Annonnie89: I have to agree with
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gingerminty:  you are getting pretty wound up.  Everyone here has opinions on the situation, but ultimately the only opinon that matters is the OP.  If she wants to give her Fiance another chance and chaulk it up to a dumb move, that is her call!  We all have done and said stupid things we dont mean–or mean the way they are taken.

Post # 221
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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brew_bee:  I didn’t mean to upset you.  Yes, I am riled by the OP’s posts.  Please read all of the things that the OP has posted about her fiance.  He says really mean things to her again and again.  Worse, she had a post before about how he had changed as soon as they got engaged.  She wrote that she felt like he had been in it for the thrill of the chase.  Her words haunted me because I experienced almost the same behaviors and actions.

I know this is a board where everyone has valid opinions, but it’s impossible to read a narcissists behavior well unless you’ve been with one and survived.  His actions scream narcissist to me.  (I’ll bet this was something of a whirlwind romance and that he appeared to be a soulmate from the start.)

I’m not an authority.  I just think the OP should talk about all of this with a professional.  The optimistic it was just a little mistake attitude isn’t going to help her if he is a narcissist. What makes this worse is that the OP says that her father is a narcissist.  People who grow up with narcissists tend to marry narcissists.  I’m worried for the OP.

Post # 222
Member
13531 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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ladykatie82:  No, none of it makes sense. If anything it’s even worse. Unless I am missing something, if the quote in your update:

“I guess it was just an ego thing and I wanted to see my old friends, but didn’t know how to do this logistically.” Also, he did say that he loves to make me happy and to do stuff with me, but he was afraid I would become unappreciative of him and would start demanding more and more from him and it would never be enough and instead of being fun for him to do that stuff, it would become a chore and he would start wanting to resist.” 

 isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is. First of all, what dId FI’s ego have to do with this? This was about your feelings about being inappropriately excluded, not his need to have his way and be right. What he’s saying is he is resistant to anyone who dares challenge him. 

Second, FI was totally inconsiderate and hurtful, but you had better be careful about being too pushy and “demanding” and by the way you’d better watch yourself for those tendencies if you want him to invite you places and make you happy?! I’d be so done. 

Also, in your shoes I could not care less if Fiance did not literally say I don’t think you’d fit in with all those cosmopolitan, accomplished women. He said you wouldn’t fit in with them and then went on to describe them in this way when you asked. Same difference. 

I’m still curious to know if his black out drunk wedding hookup will be there. And this is the same guy who is insistent that you do not share a hotel room for the sake of “purity?” The fact that they he insisted for the record that  “nothing happened” even though he allegedly couldn’t recall  is a lot more suspicious now, too. 

Post # 223
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

After reading everything honestly I think everyone is overreacting a little bit here…men can be stupid and say things without thinking them through. Do the other girlfriends and wives already know each other? Could he be thinking that the women are just going to hang out while the guys do their own thing…and not want to worry about you being comfortable/feeling awkward with a group who are already friends?

Post # 225
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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ladykatie82:  you wrote the following on another post which asked the question how has your fiance changed since you got engaged:

“Ew. Ours changed immediately and in not a good way. I feel like I am single again. He’s more distant. He didn’t do anything on Valentine’s Day. He has started putting his family and friends before me. He was the one trying to convince me to finally get engaged, so it’s very odd. It’s two months before the wedding. Yikes.”

That’s not overreacting.  That’s not cold feet.  That is your gut instict screaming at you.  Please go talk to a mental health professional (not a counselor at your anti-single woman church).  This is your life’s happiness that you’re putting on the line.  I promise I won’t write another comment on this post or to you.  I have said everything I can.  My heart is breaking for you.

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