(Closed) Fiance wants to attend his friend's wedding alone

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think you should definitely go and don’t give him an option of you not going. I would be way too paranoid. 

Post # 18
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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ladykatie82:  my ex fiance did the same thing to me. I let it go, but I wish I had dumped him then and there.  (He went to the wedding without me.) His disrespectful behavior escalated after that.  

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but deep down you know, this guy is an ass.

Post # 19
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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Annonnie89:  my ex did the same thing a few months before we broke up. Also a mega ass, I totally agree that it’s rude behaviour!! 

Post # 20
Member
458 posts
Helper bee

Just to weigh in from the other perspective. I can see what he means because I was part of a big, really close sports club at uni (boys and girls) and on the rare occasions we all get to meet up I like to leave my fiance at home. Not because there’s anything ‘dodgy’ about my behaviour or anything I wouldn’t want my him to see, but because it’s like reliving old times and slipping back into old group dynamics – and the group dynamic does change slightly when you’ve got your partner with you. I found I wanted to keep half an eye on him to make sure he was having a good time instead of 100% letting go with my friends. 

That being said, if the other wives and girlfriends are outsiders to this little group rather than part of the original group, then there’s no good reason for you not to go. That’s not to say he has shady reasons for not wanting you there – maybe he thinks even with the other partners there he’ll still need to keep an eye on your comfort in the group rather than completely letting go with his friends… but this is something you need to discuss with him.

But from my perspective if I said to fiancé ‘I’m going to a wedding with old friends and would prefer to relive old times with them by myself’ and fiancé was like ‘do we need to break up’ I’d think WOOOAHHH massive misunderstanding there!

Post # 21
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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berrybelle:  let’s assume this isn’t a shady form of disrespect.  Should you marry someone who is worried about having to keep an eye on you?  If anything, he should be excited to show his fiance off to his old friends.  He shouldn’t worry about how she’ll fit in.  Also, I don’t like that he’s afraid to show the rowdy college side of himself to his fiance.  When you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, you should be comfortable with him in any circumstance.  You should want him by your side at a wedding.  

Post # 22
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I had an ex who went to a wedding without me and we fought about it afterwards. We eventually broke up

Post # 23
Member
3584 posts
Sugar bee

 

ladykatie82:  Wow well if there is a plus one i say go anyways. This is a wedding where families become one and friends come together. Everyone else has a gf or wife to bring so he needs to get this, it’s going to be like the good old college days out of his head because now everyone is bringing someone they are with and they need to make sure they are comfortable. I am sure all the guys are going to have fun like the good old days but by bringing a date/plus one they have to entertain them as well.

Post # 24
Member
552 posts
Busy bee

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ladykatie82:  no that would not fly with me sorry….if all his buddys wifes and girlfriends are going why can’t you?…the not fitting in thing i call bullshit! ….you are his partner!!! i  maybe way off base but is there someone from his past going that he wants to catch up with without you around?…my fl has been to 95% of all my friends party/weddings /christnings over the years etc…. and vice versa the only exceptions being work commitments we simply could not get out of …you’re feelings of hurt are valid i would be too!

Post # 25
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee

If you guys are getting married, why are you listed as a plus one? That invitation should have been addressed to the both of you out of common courtesy.

Nevertheless, I would just go with him.

Post # 26
Member
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

He should at least be realistic and invite you to,the ceremony, introduce you to the friends and offer a graceful exit if you choose to leave early. (Room at a nearby hotel). To not invite you at all is unthoughtful, very odd. 

Post # 27
Member
458 posts
Helper bee

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Annonnie89:  

In my example (personally) it’s not a case of being worried about keeping an eye on SO. It’s a case of with one group there’s one group dynamic, and with the second group there’s a different group dynamic. One dynamic isn’t better than the other but I find that it’s nice to have the option to enjoy both at different times. When I was first with my Fiance I wanted to bring him everywhere to show him off to everyone and vice versa (OP you didn’t mention if you’ve spent much time with this group before?). Now that we’ve been together a long time and met everyone there are some occasions where we want to be at each other’s sides and some where we like to re-live old friendship groups separately. 

OP I think every relationship works differently for different people. Some people are not comfortable with their SOs having separate aspects of their lives (and this is fine if that’s what works for their relationship) and some people like to keep those separate aspects and social groups (again fine if it’s what works for them). But my point being that your fiancé may not be doing this because he has something to hide or bad intentions, but because HE finds it natural to compartmentalise social groups. If this isn’t something you’re comfortable with (I personally would be, lots of people wouldn’t be) then that’s a discussion to have with him and you guys need to figure out what’s acceptable to you both. 

From what you wrote it looks like he assumed he wasn’t being hurtful and it was no big deal to leave you behind, but as soon as he realised you didn’t see it that way he quickly tried to rectify the situation to make you comfortable with it. So without knowing anything more about your relationship or social groups I would guess it’s nothing more than two people having different approaches to social situations. Now this is of course just my take on the situation but I just want to highlight it from this point of view because lots of people saying ‘it’s dodgy/bad etc.’ will have that point of view because for their relationship it would be dodgy. But in other relationships it wouldn’t be. Only you and your fiancé can know what’s right for you. 

Post # 28
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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berrybelle:  I could appreciate what you’re saying if you were talking about a random night out.  The OP’s guy doesn’t want to take her to a wedding one month before their wedding.  One month before his wedding, he should be at his most excited romantic self.  This is not the time to want to relive old times with college buddies!

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Sukii:  exactly, the invitation doesn’t even include her.  Maybe the couple is rude, or maybe they don’t even know that her fiance is dating anyone.

OP, like I said, my fiance did the same thing, college wedding with old frat buddies and the same “and guest” crap.  I was hurt that he wanted to go without me, but decided not to argue.  I found out later that the couple thought he was single (even though we had been engaged for eight months when the invitations went out).  As an added bonus, I found out after we broke up, that I had chlamydia.  I don’t know if it was from that weekend, but I do remember having funny symptoms right afterwards.

Post # 29
Member
458 posts
Helper bee

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Annonnie89:  

I think if he was sticking to his guns saying ‘no I really don’t want you to come, why are you making a big deal, I want to relive old times’ I’d 110% agree with you! That would be such unacceptable behaviour. But because he initially said it and then as soon as he realised OP wasn’t happy was like ‘woah I said something wrong’ probably then realised it wasn’t so okay. 

And I say this because if my old uni friends were having a wedding I’d think ‘yayy uni party’ and if my fiancé then had a problem with it and said ‘errr it’s a WEDDING and we’re getting married in a month. This is very unromantic of you’ I’d be like oops sorry yeah of course you’re right you should come (side note Fiance often thinks I’m the dude in our relationship!). In an ideal world we’d be on the exact same wavelength as our SOs all the time but sometimes we’re not, and that’s okay as long as you communicate. Point being yes there really might be something bad going on here like there was with Annonie89’s Fiance 🙁 but equally there might not be. OP needs to decide based on the context of her relationship and how her fiancé acts now knowing her feelings. If it was my relationship it wouldn’t be anything more than me/him not really thinking through how the other one distinguishes a wedding from a different social event. 

Post # 30
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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berrybelle:  my ex-fiance invited me, too, after I told him I was upset about him going without me.  But he had already made it clear to me that I wouldn’t know anyone at the wedding.  I didn’t feel welcome by the couple since I had met them twice and they hadn’t addressed me on the invitation even though we were engaged.  The wedding wasn’t about me, it was about the couple, so I decided that I shouldn’t go.

My fiance didn’t want me to go, even though he invited me.  I excused it away.   It’s easy much easier to think of reasons for why he did this or that.  I know you think that you could innocently want to go to a wedding without your fiance, but I really don’t think you would.  Men are not this clueless.

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