(Closed) Fiance wants to attend his friend's wedding alone

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

It’a not really a problem that he wanted to go alone, just weird that if everyone else was going to have their partners there he didn’t want to have you as well. IMO this is one of those “serious talk” situations… Clearly he’s got some feelings behind this and you probably deserve to know what they are…

Post # 32
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Sounds like a big red flag to me. He is hiding something that he doesn’t want you to know about. 

If my fiance told this to me I would be so angry.

Post # 33
Member
458 posts
Helper bee

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Annonnie89:  

My fiancé and I both have actually gone to weddings without each other (because in our cases neither of us minded, which is clearly different to the OP’s case. I wouldn’t go without Fiance if he minded). And both he and I actually have uni friends coming to our wedding without their SOs too. So although I see where you’re coming from based on your and other people’s experiences I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. 

OP let us know how discussions with him go xx

Post # 34
Member
6385 posts
Bee Keeper

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Annonnie89:  +1.

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ladykatie82:  I’m getting some major red flags here.

The first flag for me is that you guys are engaged, but he received a plus one ie the invitation wasn’t addressed to you as a couple. This to me suggests that either the bride and groom are really rude/don’t want you there, or your Fiance hasn’t made people aware of your relationship status/the fact he is in a committed relationship. So that in and of itself would bother me.

The second is how against you going he is. I have several issues with this; first, I cannot imagine myself or my OH ever wanting to attend a wedding solo; not because we’re joined at the hip, but because we are a couple, and weddings are about relationships and love. It seems extremely odd to me to leave out a long-term partner. I also find your FI’s reasons incredibly immature; what is he, 15? You are able to party with your partner there, and it shouldn’t be so ‘wild’ inappropriate that her presence would make things awkward. I woudl also be worried about him having two sides, like another poster said; my OH and I know each other inside out, and we don’t keep certain aspects of ourselves from each other; I would find it odd if my OH felt his behaviour was ‘too wild’ for me to witness

The third is the way he backtracked, after already having gone on about how he wants to go alone because it will get ‘wild’, how you won’t know anyone, etc. He has basically set it up knowing that even if he then says ‘Oh, shit, I didn’t realise that not bringing your fiancee to a wedding was disrespectful, especially when everyone else is bringing their girlfriends/fiancees/wives, and that you would feel hurt being told to stay home! (which, unless he has zero sense is bullshit, of course he knows it’s wrong not to bring you) Of course you can come!’ you won’t then want to come; and that is exactly what has happened, you now don’t want to go ie, he has succeeded and gets to go solo, but with your ‘blessing’ because he gave you the ‘option’ (in your mind; he didn’t, it was set up cleverly with the end goal of him going solo, for whatever reason, in mind)

 

IMO It’s very ‘fishy’, to say the least. Best case scenario from where I stand is that he is disrespectful, immature and has sides to his personality that you haven’t seen, which would cause me significant concern; worst case scenario is that his friends aren’t aware of your relationship status and he is using this as an opportunity to be ‘single’, possibly to hook up with an old girlfriend/fling. Either way, it isn’t good. If I were giving him the benefit of the doubt and staying with him, I would 100% call his bluff and say that you would love to attend with him, and are looking forward to it; his reaction, and his behaviour at the wedding, may turn out to be quite eye-opening.

 

Post # 35
Member
6385 posts
Bee Keeper

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berrybelle:  This sounds very different though in that OPs fiance is the ONLY person not bringing someone. It’s totally different to the whole group saying ‘let’s leave our partners at home’ (which, incidentally, I still find weird; it’s a wedding, not a college reunion; if you want to party with your friends without partners other times can be arranged, including the bachelor party, for one).

Post # 36
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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ladykatie82:  Yeah something definitely sounds wrong with that. My Fiance always wants me to go everywhere with him (often to places like his friends, etc.) and I don’t always go but he at least gives me the invite. I don’t think he would even DREAM of not taking me to a wedding 1. Because he wants me with him at things like that and 2. Because I looooove weddings! Who doesn’t!? I would see if you can have a serious talk with him about why his initial move was to want to go stag. Voice your concerns that you might feel he’s hiding something because of that choice? I’m totally a bit jealous and wary and this would definitely make me uncomfortable. 

Post # 37
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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ladykatie82:  i bet he has an ex there. Leaving me out would not fly no way no how.

Post # 38
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee

Hmmm I am in two minds. The first, I could see wanting to hang out with your old group of friends alone, just like if you were going to have a girls’ night, you wouldn’t want your SO there. However the way he said that he didn’t want you to go is very fishy to me and not innocent as in he “just wanted to hang out with his friends on a guys’ night”. He basically said that you would not fit in, that it would be too wild for you, and that he didn’t want you to see how he would behave. This is weird since the other wives and significant others will be there as well. Maybe he is really clueless, but I wouldn’t just drop it. I would ask him what he meant by his comments, and why he felt the need to make you feel like you were not wanted.

Post # 39
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

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ladykatie82:  I had the same exact thing happen to me with my fiance (when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend). Like your fiance, mine was concerned that he couldn’t kick back with the boys, joke around, and worry about my boredom (fill in the blank).

When he came back, he regretted his decision! Not only did his guy friends have their girlfriends or wives, but they ALL asked why I wasn’t there with him! haha They all wanted to meet me – and the whole time, the wedding was nothing like he pictured. It was a very nice wedding, with no male bondings (not sure why guys think that happens here).

I wasn’t suspicious, and I don’t think you need to be. But my mindset was “whatever, let him have fun.. I won’t have to dress up and worry about running around in heels’ 🙂 

Make that night a girls night with the ladies!

Post # 40
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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LemonColoredLamps:  you’re talking about a boyfriend (at the time).  The OP is getting married ONE MONTH after this wedding.  It’s very, very different!

Post # 41
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

First of all it’s weird/rude that his invitation includes a “guest” and not his fiancee by name. Do they not know your name?

Second, are these friends invited to your wedding? I wonder if he’s changed a lot since college and is embarrassed of his old friends (or that they might say “remember the time we did [wild thing]???”). I sometimes feel this way about old friends (and I didn’t do anything sinister in college, I’ve just gotten a lot more conservative in that way). 

Post # 42
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Instead of insisting or not insisting you go, you need to sit down with him and have him be honest with you about why he doesn’t want you there. If it was just going to be his college friends, I could understand but it seems strange that he would exclude you knowing that they are going to be bringing their SOs. My assumption is that there will be an ex there (possibly one you don’t know about) or a woman he maybe had feelings for/a thing with who he doesn’t want to encounter with you there. You need to get to the bottom of his feelings and thought process. That’s much more important than whether or not you go to the wedding. This may not seem like a big deal but it could be indicative of more important things about him that you’re not yet aware of.

Post # 43
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

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dances123:  This struck me as strange as well,  that they would include a guest,  but not her by name.  I also wonder if he is embarrassed by them.  

OP, I would talk to him about it some more.  Find out what’s going on.  If it’s nothing,  and you want to go,  go.  I personally don’t like attending weddings without Fiance bc it is a celebration of love that I prefer to experience with the person I love. 

Post # 44
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

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Annonnie89:  Hi there – I can see your argument, but I think this is something I agree to disagree. Yes, they’re getting married one month apart, but that does not change how a person is as a whole. He may do this again as a married man because this is how he feels. And rather than focusing on the fact that they’re going to be married soon, perhaps we need to focus on the direction of communication AND seeing it from another perspective. Focusing on the fact that they’re getting married only exacerbates the original situation/question.

Post # 45
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

if DH wanted to go to a wedding by himself and his friends weren’t bringing their wives/gfs I wouldn’t be thrilled about it but I would appreciate not having to go. HOWEVER, the fact that his friends are bringing their wives/gfs would really piss me off. that wouldn’t fly in my house.

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