Post # 1
It’s sweet and i feel blessed that my fiance wants to do everything with me, hang out, watch our shows, go out with other people, do work, clean, grocery shop-it’s nice because my parents hvae a horrible relationship and only fight-they never do anything at all together
So in a way, i’m a bit clueless about relationships. Which is why i post so much on here-the only thing i know is i don’t want a relationship like my parents (who throw abusive words at each other daily)
The problem is- i have never been that type of girl that can spend alll of her time with anyone, not even a best friend! I am feeling smothered and lonely because even if i hang out with my friends he wants to come (he says he likes going otu with friends together). I promise it’s not from a controlling or abusive place, he is the nicest guy in the world and his parents are the greatest of lovers and friends, they do everything together as well.
The problem is i am having a hard time. It’s hard when views on a relationship don’t match up-he thinks fiances should do everything together and have the same freinds, whereas I feel like we should be able to go out separately…
has anyone else experienced this?
Post # 3
Please don’t feel like your feelings are invalid.
It’s perfectly normal, even HEALTHY, for couples to spend time apart. I don’t think we were *meant* to spend every moment of every day together- that’s why we leave home every day to go to work, for example.
My parents have an amazing marriage, and have been married for 30 years now. If mine ends up being half as good as theirs is, I’ll be a lucky girl. But they are NOT attached at the hip. My dad goes and has beers with my Father-In-Law, he goes to the gun range to shoot, he takes my brother camping, etc. My dad event sent my mom to Vegas for a week to have a reunion with some of her out of state girlfriends!
That being said, my parents go on plenty of vacations together, just the two of them, as well. There is a balance.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable to (gently and kindly!) explain to your Fiance that you miss having girl time. Painting your toes and blasting The Spice Girls just isn’t the same when you’ve got men around. 😛 Let him know that you still want to spend time with him, but maybe tell him that you’d like one night a week, or every couple of weeks, to have some female companionship time.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
How long have you guys been together if you dont mind me asking?
My Fiance used to be like this but after 3 years he is JUST beginning to branch out and miss the company of family and friends. Even though were long distance all he wants to do is sit on the phone and talk to me.
I had to kinda kick mine out the door with this. His friends would be talking and id be like ooooo a boys night out. With comments like “nahhh girls will ruin it” and “what if they wanna talk to you without me around, you should be there for them too, they are your friends”
Also, I said its important that he doesnt let relationships with his family suffer because of spending all his time with me. I pointed out tht his other relationships were suffering and that he shouldnt neglect them.
Post # 5
I have experience with this except I was the one smothering my Fiance. Back when we first started dating, we did everything together. We moved rather quickly and were living together three months into our relationship. My feelings got hurt if he wanted to do anything without me. After awhile, Fiance became really resentful of me because I didn’t want him to do anything without me, and our relationship suffered tremendously.
In our case, I actually ended up being diagnosed with depression and crippling anxiety which was causing me to be clingy. I have improved greatly, and while I still have spells where I want to do a lot with him, we do many things separately. It has taken us nearly five years to get this far.
I think you really need to talk to him and tell him how you’re feeling. He might not realize what he is doing, or how much it is bothering you. He might think every couple goes everywhere together, and that this is normal behavior. Tell him before you start to really resent him because then it just gets harder to deal with.
Post # 6
People need to be healthy, happy, well rounded individuals with a life and interests of their own before they can be in a healthy, happy relationship with someone, IMO. I coudn’t stand it if my Darling Husband wanted to go everywhere with me and do everything with me. He sounds sweet and loving, but he also sounds almost puppy-like. Your feelings are NOT invalid. You need to sit him down and gently explain to him that while you love him and his company, he doesn’t need to be your shadow at all times. His feelings might be a bit hurt but this behavior needs to be nipped in the bud before it turns into resentment.
Post # 7
I cant stand that type of dynamic. I require alone and separate time away from my partner.
Post # 8
Time apart is just as important as time together
Post # 9
I totally understand how you feel because you want to spend time with your friends and he wants to be around you when your not working. Does he have any friends? Is he close with his family?
My Fiance and I are happy just spending time with each other. If I go visit my Girlfriend he does come along and it is fine with me. We do everything together when he is home and we wouldnt have any other way.
Post # 10
This is still a struggle for me and my FI!!!
I am very social, so he struggles with the idea that I sometimes just need to be left alone for long stretches of time. I work in a social office and we have a very large and involved friend group, so we are constantly on the go. I love that, but it’s exhausting! Since we live together, now almost all of my “downtime” is “together time.”
I’ve tried to explain to him that he hasn’t done anything wrong, but I need my alone time to destress and unwind, and that involves no contact with him. Problem is, he unwinds and destresses by being around me. If we are both home, he wants to be next to me. It’s been very difficult to find an equilibrium we can both live with, so I’m seriously looking forward to golf season to start back up again
Post # 11
Fiance and I spent practically all our free time together – we’re not super social people and I moved from all my friends and family to live with him. We see his family once every couple of weeks or so, and I am sure if we lived near my friends I’d have ocassional girls nights. I am just starting to branch out a bit and may have new friendships forming so we’ll see how that all plays out.
Post # 12
I recommend some pre-marital counseling for you two. It sounds like you sought out a relationship that is the opposite of your parents, instead of finding the relationship that is balanced and tailored to your individual needs, which you also don’t seem very aware of. It’s really important that you know yourself, and your needs prior to marriage. How can your partner meet your needs, or help you meet them, if you don’t even know what they are? How are you going to have a healthy marriage, if you don’t know what a balanced relationship looks like?
Post # 13
How long have you been together ? My Fiance was like this too and he is adjusting now to spending some time appart when i seen my girlfriends etc.. He is not much on going out with his friends and likes to spend time with family more.
Sometimes i felt a little smothered too at the beginning but it’s all about adjusting with time. I love it when he nows spends time with me and we work and live together. Maybe you guys will adjust both ways 🙂
Post # 14
@doubtingdebbieah: I have the same problem with my Fiance sometimes, less now than before. I let him get back into a few things that I am not very into and encouraged him to do those with his friends and then I just schedule things with my friends at that time. That way neither of us feel like we are missing anything but we also have some time apart.
I would sit down and explain your concerns. Your relationship can be stifled with too much time together just as easily as with too little time together.
Post # 15
Like @crayfish: mentioned, I would recommend addressing this, perhaps with a counselor, before you tie the knot. I obviously don’t know enough about your relationship to speak as an authority, but it sounds like the two of you have very different attachment styles. While the puppy love phase of things can die down after you’ve been together for a while, if you two have been together for very long you probably can’t expect this to go away.
I don’t think there’s a “right for everyone” balance of time together and time apart. I think it depends entirely upon the people in the relationship and what their needs are. I think there can be some pretty serious issues that come up, however, when the balance isn’t struck to both peoples’ satisfaction. waiting for these things to sort themselves out might leave you pulling further away only to have your fiance cling more tightly. with enough time together in a situation like this one of you is inevitably going to feel like your needs aren’t being met.
Post # 16
@mrs_pudding_pop: We are exactly the same way. I think we feel that being apart at work (we both work long hours) is enough “away” time and we prefer to socialize as a couple. We do see our friends, but most are couples and we like it that way. My Fiance moved to be with me and now all of his old friends are quite far away. We are just viewing it as the next stage in our lives together where our new family comes first.
People often criticize couples who are together “too much,” and if one person is feeling smothered then it is a legitimate concern. However if both people are happy then I don’t see any harm. Every couple is different and it’s impossible to judge unless you’re in the situation. You can judge your life based on someone else’s yard stick.
People can advise what’s worked best for them, and what the experts say (which changes all the time), but only you know what makes you happy 🙂 If it does, ignore the critics. If it doesn’t, then talk to him and work out a balance that ensures you’re both feeling fulfilled.