Fiance wants to elope, but our families are expecting big wedding

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
884 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Stop trying to please everyone for a minute and see if you know what you, personally, want. When you know that, you can discuss what to do with your fiance. But right now one of the two opinions that matter is missing–yours.

Post # 5
4387 posts
Honey bee

No one is owed a wedding.  It isn’t their marriage so it isn’t their call, presuming you are paying for everything yourself.  Part of being old enough and mature enough to marry is being able to make decisions for yourself and handle and manage the consequences of that.  Nobody LIKES disappointing people.  But disappointment is a part of life.  At a certain point you have to stop living the life others want and live your life for you.  You manage the expectations of others and set boundaries.  That’s adulthood.

Post # 6
6061 posts
Bee Keeper

If you both want to elope I think you should do it! Your families would get over it, and I think a big reception is a nice compromise. 

IMO the wedding should be about the couple getting married; not what their family thinks a wedding should be. 

Post # 7
80 posts
Worker bee

if it was my wedding, I do it as I want. if family love you they will support you with any decision you make 🙂 Wedding supposes to be “You and Partner’ big day so it should be you and partner decision 🙂 


Post # 8
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

How about a compromise?

If the wedding is important for both your families, tell them they can plan a reception for you together [only 1, not 2 like they originally planned] for when you return from your elopment. Invite them to your elopment if you wish too!

My guess is that they want the party for social value and you can throw in a vows ceremony as entertainment for your guests. If they are willing to pay for it, and you don’t mind it being a party in your honor, you can just compromise on something like this.

Post # 9
1412 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

DO WHAT YOU WANT.  I was shoved into having a big wedding because my fiance’s family is Catholic and we would never have heard the end of it.  I was able to make the day special and we will enjoy it no matter what, but we would be a solid $40k richer if we hadn’t taken their expectations so deeply to heart.  I begged for 30 people at a B&B in the country, but it is what it is.  My point is, do not let other people steamroll you or make decisions for you.  Establish those boundaries RIGHT NOW, from the start of wedding planning.

Post # 10
270 posts
Helper bee

Do the elopement with a big reception, it’s about you and your fiance.

My fiance and I felt the same as yours, we decided to do a destination wedding with immediate family (parents and siblings). We didn’t really care too much about a reception, but we are doing a smallish reception a month or so later to include our extended family.

Post # 11
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Small wedding with family only w/ blessings/prayers from ministers of both faiths? 

Post # 12
7 posts
  • Wedding: October 2020

I’m of the idea that you don’t owe no one a wedding. I understand family gets excited and would like to be part of your day, but at the end is something between you and your fiancée. I think you should go with what you really want and not take in consideration other’s wishes, at the end of the day your family will understand and be happy of whatever you choose.

Do what makes you happy bee.

Post # 13
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I suggest a very small multi faith ceremony with reception that is immediate family only. Then have a bigger, “meet the newlyweds”/”meet the new family” type of potluck or BBQ party. Obviously it would be very informal and you can’t call it a reception.

I don’t see the point is having 2 separate ceremonies. 

Post # 14
884 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

But nobody wants a small wedding and a big reception. The bride and groom want to elope (“elope” is only a “small wedding” if two people present counts as “small.”) The families want two big weddings based on different faiths. (You could buy most of a house for the price of two big weddings…)

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