Fiance wants to elope, but our families are expecting big wedding

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

chocco :  Your parents are ‘involving’ themselves because you are allowing them to. 

Post # 18
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Aré you going to marry your family or your husband? Seems like you want to have the party then just say so. Don’t try and say to please your families because that’s a childish thing to say. As an adult take a stand w your future husband or your families

Post # 19
Member
6343 posts
Bee Keeper

Do you really want two big weddings or do you want to elope with your FI? Someone is going to end up unhappy–do you think it should be your FI? You say you want what he wants, do you really?

Your parents are going to have to get used to the idea that you are adults paving your own way and making your own choices. 

Post # 21
Member
6343 posts
Bee Keeper

chocco :  So plan what you want. You are adults. You get to choose how much other people, even your families, are involved. 

Post # 22
Member
6032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

chocco :  Then do what you and your Fiance want to do.

Separately, this would be a really good time for you to start practicing focusing on whose feelings and opinions take priority in your marriage because it is you and your husband. It is not your family or his family over either of you.

You and your Fiance both want the same thing. If you go against what both of you want and go with what various family members are volun-telling you to do, you are setting a bad precedent and it’s going to come back to bite you in the ass down the line. They will have all kinds of opinions about your kids, how you are raising them, your marriage and blah blah blah. Don’t give them the idea that they get to run you or control you with their disappointment because it will be an increasingly hard habit to break.

ETA- Your Post title is not accurate. It should be Fiance and I want to elope . . .

Post # 23
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

chocco :  are they coughing up the money for the 2 big weddings?  If not, why have 2?  I wanted a biggish wedding and I’m paying for it.  We aren’t having 2 parties to do each religion though.

Post # 25
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: City, State

Catholic and Anglican are so close together in religion terms that it doesn’t make sense to have two ceremonies. Besides you can (I believe) only have one legal ceremony and then the other would be a validation ceremony? Might have to check with the priests. 

In any event sounds like way too much expense:hassle to do this. Especially that it’s in 2 separate countries !! Why not have one multifaith ceremony and reception in a neutral location? You can easily incorporate elements of both faiths and maintain control over your own wedding! 

Post # 27
Member
16 posts
Newbee

Can you elope for the legal part and then still do the religous ceremonies for your families? I mean, you are already looking at one ceremony being the legally binding one and one purely being religous and family-only. Why not make them both for show and just elope on your own? You can have 3 weddings! It sounds bonkers, but it really is just about letting your families plan the weddings they want, and you guys planning your own wedding for yourselves.

My friends did this exact same thing, so it is doable! They also had large families and friend groups in two countries and two different religions. This couple also wanted to elope and be done with it, but both MILs wanted “something” to happen in both countries for friends and family there. So, the couple let the parents plan (and PAY) for what they wanted in their respective countries. They said yes and no to things at appropriate points, including wedding outfits, venues, food, all of it, but didn’t invest themselves personally into it. This was key! They both  showed up happy and totally stress free to whatever thing their parents planned. I went to one of these ceremonies and it was totally fun and fine and everyone was happy! The couple had a blast and didn’t worry about a darn thing the whole time. I met both MILs there and they were both happy with each others respective parties. The couple was totally open about what kind of wedding(s) they were having, so all of us that came as friends knew they were parent-planned weddings and didn’t think anything more of it. From what I heard, the ceremony and party in the other country also went well and was equally happy and fun and wedding-y. So, two weddings/receptions down, the couple then went and got legally wed on a totally seperate day with just them and their two closest friends as witnesses in a way that they wanted.  I don’t think either of the MILs even cared about this because what they really wanted was the ceremony/party that made cultural and logistical sense for their families. The legal stuff is really an afterthought, but you can make that your big day!

There were two things in this that made this work for both the families and couple.
1. They were legally married or “eloped” after both ceremonies.
2. The couple spent next to no time and zero emotional energy planning the two different ceremonies/receptions.
This way, the religious/cultural aspects and both families were totally respected and basically equal, and the legal – and what sounds like way more meaningful – private ceremony the couple really wanted was held after the families had their respective shindigs. It was a bit bonkers but a win all around. This couple is still happily married and both in-laws like each other a lot!

Let go of what your families want and let them make that happen if it means something to you to let your families celebrate your wedding each in their own way. Show up and enjoy the festivities! But let go of controlling or managing it if it is not what you want. Be open that this is what you are doing, though. Then plan the post-ceremony legal elopment you want! And you can totally plan a friends-only reception, too. My friends did this as well! Afterall, you can never have too many parties!

Post # 28
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If you aren’t mature enough to do what you and your fiance want to do and not worry about what your families want than you aren’t mature enough to get married. 

You both want to elope, so go elope. After planning a whole wedding myself with my fiance (wedding is in october) it really made me realize that I would be fine with eloping after all, if that is what we wanted to do. Because the wedding really is only about you and your future husband, nobody else. 

Just a tip, if you elope go and do it over a long weekend together. DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOU ARE DOING IT AHEAD OF TIME. Seriously. Protect that special time just you two when you elope, do not tell anyone. Not friends, not siblings, NO ONE. When you get back and you have had a chance to enjoy it and be excited, then tell everyone. THey will have no choice but to get over it. 

Also maybe consider getting a vidographer for your elopement so that you do have a beautiful video of the ceremony that you can show family and friends and cherish yourselves. 

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