Post # 1
I feel like I need objective advice on this one. In a nutshell, my fiance’s friend (who is female, btw) humiliated me, screamed at me and called me names in front of my fiance and ten other people (all of whom were her friends). This happened just a few months ago. I did not to deserve this – that is not debated. I’ll spare the details, to keep my anonymity. I’m a quiet, reserved person and have never been treated this way in my life. To make things worse, my fiance did nothing to stop this from happening. He let her scream at me, even though I was crying. I’ve never felt so abandoned in my life. We are still fighting about this today. He’s apologized and she eventually apologized months later – but it was too late in my opinion. It really made me question his love for me. Now he wants to invite her to our wedding. We are from the midwest (as is our families) and are having a destination wedding in Hawaii next fall. Since it is a destination wedding, we are expecting a rather small wedding, and I can’t bare the thought of her being there. He’s insistent that she come, because she is still one of his best friends/part of his friend group. Am I in the wrong for not wanting her at our wedding? I just really don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’m going to have to give in, even though the thought of her being there makes me sick to my stomach. If she is there, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over it. But if she’s not, he says he won’t be happy on his own wedding day.
Thanks for listening xo
Post # 2
Yikes. I question your FI’s loyalty to his friend over you. Compromising on a person to invite is a great way to start off a marriage, because, guess what, that’s what you’ll be doing your whole life! I see your point and would not want her there either. But are you *sure* she would even come since it’s in Hawaii?
Post # 3
bee123456789 : Hey thanks for responding! Unfortunately, I am certain that she would come to the wedding, even if it is in Hawaii. )-:
Post # 4
irishgirl33 : this is difficult particularly not knowing any of the details. You are phrasing the question in relation to the wedding but it seems what you really mean is you do not want your Fiance to be friends with her. Otherwise you would need to accept she is an important friend to him and he wants her at the wedding.
How do you plan to deal with this after the wedding? What if she’s around you in a group setting or he invites her to the house?
Post # 5
irishgirl33 : After the way she treated you, and made you feel, your Fiance wants her at the wedding?
Why? Because of this?? “But if she’s not, he says he won’t be happy on his own wedding day.”
I urge you to give that some thought.
Post # 6
I am pretty sure it is a universal understanding that only family & people that you both love should surround you at your wedding. (I seperate those, because I know how some feel about the in-laws lol)
If you Fiance wants to invite friends, it should be mutual friends, or at least someone who respects you and both of you as a couple. There is no way I would allow an invite to someone I would see as a dark cloud, or would resent having shell out $ to entertain.
I do also see PP view about compromise… but a compromise is two sided.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
irishgirl33 : I’d like to know why he’s still friends with someone who treated you this way. If someone I’m friends with was awful to my SO, especially when he did nothing to deserve it, that friendship would be over. My SO is incredibly important to me and anyone who disrespects him is not welcome in my life.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Was she really drunk or something? Is there *any* way you can forgive this girl and chalk it up to drunkenness, being super stressed about something and taking it out on you, etc etc?
Otherwise, I agree with PP – the wedding is kind of the least of your problems. What are you going to do about your Fiance wanting to still be her friend and you not being OK with that? (Oh and btw, I would also not want her there and would be pissed that my Fiance didn’t get it.)
Post # 9
Unless you’ve left out some very extenuating circumstances (ie you said or did something equally horrible or worse to his friend first or she was going through a traumatic time and apologized sincerely and remorsefully for her outburst at you) then her treatment of you and your FI’s complete lack of consideration for your feelings is a major red flag.
And regardless of the circumstances or context of the fight, wtf did your Fiance do- watch? He should have intervened somehow, whether it was telling his friend off if she was the one out of line (see extenuating circumstances above) or simply trying to diffuse the situation/ separate the two of you. Second red flag.
IMO it’s perfectly fine for guys to have platonic female friend- but alarm bells always go off to me if he appears to put her feelings ahead of yours.
Post # 10
I’m appalled that he would want to invite her! I would not budge on this. She does not get an invitation.
I also think this is a red flag with your fiancé. Maybe pre-martial counseling to address this would be a good idea.
Post # 11
if someone did that to my spouse they would NOT be a best friend of mine. him wanting to invite her anyway makes me rethink him.
Post # 12
No you shouldn’t invite her, and I’m going to say it – their friendship is inappropriate.
Anyone who treats you like that should be cut TF out of his life. This would be one of those “it’s me or her” situations for me, and I don’t mean just the wedding. She would be GONE.
Post # 13
Absolutely not! I would honestly take a long hard look at your relationship. Why in the ever loving world would he want to invite this woman to your wedding if she treated you so poorly? Why did he not do anything when she was going crazy on you to begin with? I’m sorry but a friend never comes before a significant other and I would be appalled that he is acting like this in general.
Post # 14
I’d take a long, hard look at your Fiance. Because he wants to invite her, he is still putting her feelings above yours. That’s a huge concern for the future, IMO. Not only did he not defend you, but he seems to value his “friendship” with her over your feelings. Was he ever more involved with her than friends, because it sure sounds like it…
Post # 15
lolot : She was drunk at the time, but not wasted. I’ve had to see her in social situations, and I’ve been polite but I don’t go out of my way to be super nice to her. Just a “hi, how are you” quick thing. I do really hate that they are friends.